Day gone Haywire

What is that I Seek?

2012-02-02T08:19:00.000-08:00

A simple life.

Everybody's dream. A dream in which there is no concept of time but just being with people you love and whom loves you back. And you know it cannot be real. Thus, it stays as a dream. Everybody's dream. My dream.

Fleeting moments of love, where you seek and fret for its presence but then, wail, once its is present, thinking about how much that moment will last. The irony is ,day in and day out, you go through this ordeal, until you get exhausted even being in love. And at that time, you dream again; for that simple life.
A life where there you and her. But no, it stays as a dream.

I wish my dreams sometime, for a change, came true. And that wish becomes another dream. A paradox.

Love Redefined

2012-01-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

In love, and you say it is not. But you feel it around, like a breeze touching your face while driving. It is there but you ask where? And you don't have any reply because you cannot hold it once you stop driving. So you drive and experience the love - the unknown, the unseen and yet, felt all over and beyond.

In love, again.

For you

2012-01-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

In shades of grey,
I see your eyes,
waiting for the colors of my life to arrive,
I sleep,
Dreaming about you.

And all that I need do is wake up and walk across.

But wall is so thick,
I feel my strength drain,
And it causes me pain,
For you not to suffer them,
I smile.

And when I cross,
A surge in pain chokes my heart,
For your love for me is not as mine,
And I stand helpless,
In the passing time that's so precious to me.

2012 Resolutions

2012-01-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

1. Learn Violin - carried over from last decade
2. Learn Guitar - Somebody has to teach me that.
3. Read Wheel of Time by James Oliver
4. Pass next year.

A Dream Inside a Dream

2011-12-09T09:26:00.001-08:00

From the entwined gloominess, He plucked a silence.
She plucked a silence from the same.
And there was a sweet conversation.

A giggle here and a closing eye there,
fluttering kite of a dream together.
Holding her fingers,
forever not leaving it.

Until one day, the cloudy gloominess
poured and washed,
to say it was a dream alone.
And I slept.

Universe is Watching

2011-11-26T07:39:00.001-08:00

What would be your dying wish?
I wish to see her smile once again.

Is that all ?
Yes my lord

Amen.
And I saw her smile; the most amazing and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Anything else?
I wish to see her 10 years back on that rainy day. You know when.

And?
I wish to live that moment once more?

Time cannot be reversed. Yet, I could do it.
Amen.

It was raining. She was waiting for her regular taxi pickup. May because of the traffic, he was not there.
I walked towards her.

10 years back.

My heart was racing. I was all wet. I forgot to take my umbrella from my bag.
She saw me and waved. I responded with an odd smile.
Can you share your umbrella? I asked.
Sure. She was all happy. Before she finished.
I added a "forever".
She might have been expecting this because of my odd behaviour for past couple of months.
She smiled.

I was walking towards her.
I was all wet. I forgot to take my umbrella from my bag.
She saw me and waved. I responded with an odd smile.
You are all wet, come and I got some room for you. She said.
I stopped for a second. And politely refused her. I took the umbrella from my bag and unfolded it.

I walked on.

Is that why you wanted to reverse the time?
I smiled.

PS: Trying a new narration style. Hope it didn't suck that much!

Gone!

2011-11-26T07:32:00.001-08:00

There is a time when you realize that everything that you lived for was just within your reach. And you just didn't realize it.

A more disturbing fact is knowing about it later. Way later in life, from the point of no return.

And the only thing that comes out is this tiny tear drop which you tried so hard not to let out.
Damn it!

2011-10-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

Alone

Being alone is the worst fear that one can have.

A part of my campus is cordoned for the general public after a particular time. To be specific, after 6:00PM. There is a sign board, no, a warning board. It said "No entry beyond this area from 6:00 PM to 6:00 AM. Panther is being sighted frequently in this area. Violation of this order shall be seriously viewed".

Let me tell you more about my campus. My campus is in the middle of one of the greatest cities of the world. Even though, it is in the midst of concrete jungle, it is one of the most greeny campus in the country. On one side of the campus there is a vast lake which in evenings has a unparalleled beauty. On the other side of the campus is a hillock and back to which there is another lake. This lake is hidden to the outside world. It is like a private treasure that only we like to enjoy to ourselves. On the other side of this lake is a national park. Don't ask me how this came here. And thats where the undomesticated lifes thrive. Sometimes they take a visit to our campus by crossing the lake.

The road is along the side of the lake. In wee hours it is a joggers' paradise. But as the ray's of sun slants away, people distance from it. Because Panthers visit there to remember their ancestor and the land they once ruled before we took it from them.

I was feeling very lonely to day. Unlike the daily routine, I didn't go back to lab after my evening jog. I took some random novel to read but I couldn't concentrate, my mind was everywhere except the lines in the book. It was already dark, around 10. I got out the room and started walking in a random direction. My next stop was in front of the lake side gate. I was staring at the warning board.

I looked around. It was too much dark to see beyond 6 feets and except for the squealing rickets, I thought there was nobody present. But I knew, behind that viel of pitch darkness, there was something lurking and watching me. Somewhere I had read that you are always running away from your fear and conquering them is the objective of your life. I was bit nervous. But I decided to conquer my fear.

I crossed the gate and started walking. Into the darkness. After a few steps, there was a rumbling fear echoing from my stomach. But still I walked on. The fear subsided. Then a flurry of memories started to hit me. I felt running away, not from darkness, but from these memories.

I had come a long way from the gate. I felt very lonely. I stopped walking and listened. I was waiting for the Panther to come. Nothing came.

I started to walk again. At that moment, I realised I was alone. This the state which my current life, if pursued, would lead me into. I started to run. Not from the Panther but from me.

2011-10-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

Heights of Procrastination

Make a plan. The plan should include all the time that you can spend "awake". Of course what happens in dream stays there as the rest of it is just according to the plan. The plan you make should begin with the exact time your day starts, like for example, you get up at 5:00 AM (of course I meant hypothetically!) and at 5:30 AM, you actually gets up because that's the last possible snooze option that your alarm can give. Even though the next few sequences of your life coincide with 99% of the world population, barring some people who I consider to be on other side of the sane mortal world, you might feel like not planning for them at all. But trust me, according to (unofficial) statistics by planning commission of India, this is the time that slacks your daily chores and makes your day go haywire.

None of things that happen in your life is trivial. So you jot down everything, I meant everything, it may(should) even include when you walk into loo and when you get out. You must be wondering how this could be achieved. This area has been researched well by most of the ivy league universities and have come up with . Let me explain. Before making the actual daily plan, you run a trial period. You record the daily loo timings and then after the brief experimentation time, you take the average time spend in the loo. Based on this time, you can improvise your daily timings. A recent study has shown that even though there is no theoretical proof of an exact bound for this timing problem, a close approximation using an experiment of this kind, can save almost 36 seconds of your time which you could wisely and judiciously spend on playing Google's "angry birds".

The breakfast timing should fixed and should be not be varied frequently. The nature of human stomach is like local trains in Mumbai. If you are late, you are going to miss your train friend and this might upset somebody else as you might be standing in the position of somebody else's train friend! Hence, preferably, you must avoid messing around with this timing.

Ones the fixed things of the day are put in order, further plan of the day can be tweaked based on your daily needs. But, you must remember that others expect something from you daily and should never set upon any course that might disappoint them. So, if you decide to spend more time on Facebook rather than on Google reader, then you must have an alternative slack time devised well before lest your FB friends might get offended. This doesn't mean you should sacrifice your time spend on google reader. Writers of 100s of RSS feeders you have subscribed would be lost because of your inattentiveness. The only advise that can guarantee to provide an optimal solution is to rent a ghost writer of yourself to do these chores. This way you might end some time for newspaper reading over the coffee break.

The plan works only if it is visible to you all the time. So you keep it where your eyes can catch hold of it. For example, a plan on the stick-me-note on the side of refrigerator knob is a good choice. I prefer this place because every time I open my fridge after my 10 minute nap between my tiring 5 minutes working time, I get reminded about my plan. This has always helped in maintaining a health work life ( by not overdoing it).

Planning alone won't lead to the success of the endeavour that you have chalked out. It depends on the meticulous implementation. And the implementation is appreciated only if there are incentives attached on its successful completion. So after preparing a good plan of the day, you should receive the incentive for doing that. And the best possible incentive that you can bank on is good 10 minutes nap afterwards.

PS: just stuck my plan on to refrigerator knob.

2011-09-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

Going home for Onam

I am going home for the Onam. It's my first Onam with my family in the last 10 years. So what happend in between, why didn't I go to my home even though I was so near, yet so far.

Talking about home, makes me define what a home is.

Home is where you get up and you are familiar with each breath you take.

Home is where you know the second switch on the left is for light in the veranda.

Home is where you bend down while cross the balcony door without even thinking for a second, because you know it is too small.

Home is where you know your mobile is just few feets away from your wallet on the third row of the cupboard.

Home is where you leave everyday knowing that the best rest you can get after day's work is while having a hot tea on your balcony watching the sun set across the lake ahead.

Home is where you can safely loose your front door key and still be calm because you know your spare key is just under the flower pot.

Home is where even if it rains, you don't have to worry about clothes you put up for drying as there is a shade just enough to cover them.

Home is where your friends can come in the middle of night and still be accomodated because of the extra bed you have.

Home is where there is an echo of her laughter linkering around even if she is not there.

Moreover home is where you don't have to dream because, there, you are living your dream.

Simply put, home is where your heart is. I was fortunate to find my home here and so I didn't go. But now....

Picture: A typical sunset from my balcony

2011-08-27T15:28:00.000-07:00

In search of ...

I like to travel. But when people ask me why I prefer travelling. I ask them whether one needs to have reasons for everything they do. They don't reply. I like to travel because I am in search of a place which can keep my mind away from the myriads of memories that haunts me. Yes, It is a recluse that I am searching for.

The moment I reach my travel destination, I try to weave a new world for me there. Laboriously, bit by bit, I make my new world. A place where nobody knows me and place where I know nobody. A place where I am content because for a miniscule of time I am free from myself, my old self.

It doesn't take much time for my new world to coalesce into the old one. Suddenly, I am not a stranger for the people around. And strangers around me are no more strangers. Then a uncanny resemblance of my newly built world start to form. The very same resemblance that I wish to shed off.

I pack my bags in search of the next destination, in search of my recluse.

So yes, I like to travel because it gives me hope.

Picture courtesy: Me :)

2011-08-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

Firing from someone else's shoulder

Over the years AJ have heard many pickup lines and conversation fountain heads - some good, some really good and some that makes you laugh your guts out. And quite recently he saw one that could make everyone roll over floor laughing.

Normally, not many come to the lab because most of them work home. There are some regulars apart from that, its all machines stacked on the top of each other. And the regulars had one time configured a server machine in the form of a android and call him sid just to kill the boredom. Personified server was a majestic sight to all visitors who came there. Last summer, four undergrads joined AJ's lab for internship. The group consisted of 3 girls and 1 guy. In the male infested campus of AJ's, rarely does some female interns come and very very rarely does some eye stunner come.

Soon after this, there was a noticeable change in the environment. People started coming to lab. People started to sit late. People started to be more focused on work rather than on Facebook or Twitter. And suddenly, AJ's lab was on the world map creating wonders. That when AJ learned astonishing results could be produced by just introducing XXs instead of XYs to a testosterone charged environment.

So the story goes like this. One guy wished to get an intern's phone number. He approached her quite a number of times but he was way too unfortunate. Then like those bulb-thoughts that you see in animations, he was smitten with this perfect idea. Simple plan: Since he was not successful in getting the phone number he thought of getting her a phone; not just any phone but his phone.

It was raining that day. After having a small chit chat, the guy says he need to go to his room. And then he asked her for an umbrella. Since nobody with an insane mind would give an umbrella on a rainy day, the guy was quite sure of her answer. The next move was the one that nailed the act.

Guy: "It raining heavily outside and I am not sure of going to room now. But I need to go, you know"

Girl:"hmm.."

Guy: "Can you keep my phone with you, its a new blackberry and I don't want it to get wet."

Girl:"But I will be gone in another 2 hours."

Guy:"oh..I will be back in half an hour."

He didn't wait for another second. Off he went. He never mean't to come back to lab that day. He wanted her to take the phone home so that he could make a " oh sorry, I got hold onto something and completely forgot about the phone until now" ice-breaking call at 10 in the night. The plan would have worked. Just a minor glitch in that plan - The "AJ".

Since he didn't come till 5:00PM, instead of taking the phone with her, she thought of passing the phone to

somebody else in the lab. Unfortunately for the poor guy, who was expecting a lot to happen that night, it was AJ who was the only soul left in that lab at that time.

AJ kept the phone and assured her that he would hand it to the guy once he is back.

After the girl left, AJ's sinister brain started pondering about the fun he could have with the phone while it rings expecting somebody else to answer it. And he was sure that the call from that guy would come, no matter what happened to him.

AJ already rehearsed his reply in his head.

And around 10:00 PM, the phone rang. AJ picked up.

Guy: Hello.

AJ: Hello..

Guy: who is this?

AJ: who is this???

Guy: I am Mr. X. And you are having my phone.

AJ: I am Y's Fiancee. Sorry she already slept. She will give it to you tomorrow.

Guy: Thats ok. And sorry for disturbing you this late.

AJ: Oh..Its fine.

They hung up almost together.

Next day, AJ gave the phone to intern saying the guy didn't come back. And she might have returned back the phone to the guy when he came later.

Over the time, AJ noticed a change in the crowd's behavior towards this particular girl. Nobody was hitting on her. Everybody were interested in her friends. She must be pondering what happened? Now as the ground was wide open, AJ made his move.

This is what I call firing from someone else's shoulder.

2011-08-21T14:03:00.001-07:00

Ranting at 3:00A.M.

As we live on, there comes a stage when you feel lonely. Very lonely. And you know the reason for this loneliness, but you don't want to believe that. Why? because believing that as the reason would go against conviction of your life. The conviction about what you did, a long time ago, was wrong. And this guilt amplifies the aggravation that you already experience. But, you don't want that to happen, because you know there was no other way, then, to tackle it. And so, you stick on. No. Cling by that stupid decision, not because you believe in it but just because you didn't have any other alternative.

Sometimes, I hate this non-linearity of life.

2011-08-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

What am I to you

"What am I to you?" She asked.

"I don't know. I cannot explain it." He said in a confused tone.

"Try me." She was not going to let it go that easily.

"Ok, let me try." He then stops to take a breath.

"Imagine a kid who has never seen the rain. Imagine that he is playing in his backyard without regard for anything thats happening around. His mother is calling him but he wouldn't go, because he doesn't listen to anybody. Suddenly the sky is dark and cloudy and chilled breeze starts to sweep across his face. As he has not seen anything like this happen before he is curious. He doesn't go back running to his home. He stays there and wait for that something to happen, which he knows, is going to happen. And then the sweet smell of wet earth after a long dry spell makes him float. He strains his ears to listen to what is comming. A whispering sound like a secret to be told, the first drops of rain wets his face. The drop trickles down his face and then downpour completely wets him. He is in an estacy like never before. He wishes that raining never ceases. He want to cherish this feeling for the rest of his life."

"I feel like that little kid when you are with me." He says with a smile.

She too smiles back and holds him tight.

pic courtesy: Me:P

2011-08-08T05:37:00.000-07:00

Tour de Bhutan

The last Shangri La is one place that everybody must visit in their life time. Thats what he said to me. And I decided to go with his word.

So I packed my bags and went to the land of peaceful dragon. Apart from the freaking soul that I am, three other seasoned mavericks also joined me for this great expedition. The reason for this immediate trip was because Bhutan is one of most least visited places in the world (reference - site I forgot). And we didn't want to visit a popular place. Moreover my every-year-Himalayan trek was due for this year.

Day-1 - waiting, waiting and waiting

I had some work to be completed. Even I didn't want to miss this trip, it was important deadline not to be missed. So I worked- day in and day out to complete it. The flight to Calcutta would take off at 6:20AM - with or without me and since I was not very good with alarms, I thought of not sleeping at all! It was raining in Mumbai when I left the campus, fortunately I didn't have any umbrella with me. So reached the airport all drenched. The so called elitist people of the society were giving this weird look which literally translated meant " where did this trash come from?". According to my pea-size brain, the only reasoning that came out was "Hey mate! I am a student". Once inside the flight, I forgot all these woes. My flight was kingfisher and I love Vijay Mallaya, he knows how to keep his customers happy. The cool daddy -parliamentarian-liquor baron provide the best in-flight breakfast and soon I was dozing off.

The Calcutta terminal is all about confusion and its reasons to reconcile with ethnic identity crisis. I don't know why I hated this city. An unknown reason kept me from coming to this city during my undergrad days. The worst of it was going to come.

I ended up waiting 4 hours for my friend inside the terminal. I was almost going to walk off to border town when I heard that sweet sound of flight 702 - Hyd-Kol flight. And after 5 min, he was in the lounge with a strolley - a strolley ! who in the world is going to do backpacking with a strolley. He smiled at me like reading my thoughts. "Dont worry I am going to buy a backpack". Although we had booked a train from Culcutta to New Jalpaiguri , we were not sure whether it would get confirmed. So off we went to esplanade to book our tickets to Silguri, which was our rendevouz point to Bhutan. We got a ticket for a Volvo which would take us from Calcutta to Siliguri from where we had to take the some transport to Jaigon and then cross over to Phuntshoeling, the border town of Bhutan.

Leaving country on foot and entering another one on foot. This was the second time I was doing it.

Apart from cacaphonic snoring by my friend and maniac driving, the bus journey was otherwise beautifully peaceful. And thanks to my friend, all my fellow Bong travellers who were friendly before he slept became foes in the morning.

We reached Siliguri at around 7:00 AM. Two of my friends from Delhi joined us there. Together we began to search for a cab that would take us to Phuntshoeling. After die hard bargaining by my experienced MBA friends we got a car to Jaigon.

We reached Jaigon,India around 6:00 in the evening and Phuntshoeling,Bhutan at 6.01.

Just a minute to cross a country!!

I had few close Bhutanese friends in my college. One of them was posted in Phuntshoeling who had done arrangements for our lodging and the logistics. I was surprised to find that room rent in Bhutan is really cheap. We got a nice cozy twin accommodation for around 600 bucks - which is not at

all possible to get in Mumbai!

My friend is a wonderful guy and we were really grateful to him for creating a itinerary for us. According to the plan, we get a road permit to Thimpu and then permit to Paro from Thimpu. The whole point of this trip is to visit Taktsang, one of the most sacred place in Bhutan and one of the most picturesque place in the world.

Day- 2 - Phuntshoeling

Next day morning, my friend arranged us a cab to get around Bhutan. Later, this was going to be pain. The driver turned out to be a friend of my friend. To make the matter worse, he was his childhood friend. More about this story later.

Bhutan is called last Shangri La or the last heaven on earth. Other name for Bhutan is called land of thunder dragon. But now a days its called land of peaceful dragon because its really a peaceful place. A getaway place where you have lungful of pure air and nothing else except the sweet murmur of mountain's breathing. The road to Thimpu is one of the most scenic. And the best part is you could actually touch

the clouds on the way. One thing that I wished then was to drive the car. And yes, I did drive a car in Bhutan.Perched high up in the mountains you can see white prayer flags. These prayer flags

spread the message of peace and well being to all the beings on this planet. Whispering silently along the mystic mountain music, its so refreshing to see them fluttering.

We reached Thimpu in the night. Another friend of

mine had made all arrangments there. The hotel was awesome. The food was also good. One thing thats cheap and available in plenty is liquour. My friends banged on the local drinks - K5 (released when 5th king was coronated), Coronation , Special Courier. After getting high, all of them wanted to visit a mon

uement inside the city - Memorial Chorten.

Memorial Chorten also known as Thimphu Chorten is monuement made in the memory of 3rd majesty of Bhutan. It is a Tibetian style stupa with a golden spire crowning it. One of the fascinating thing about Bhutanese is their openess and ability to trust each other. At 11 in the night, we entered the chorten and it was desserted but still open. In India, you can never see such site. And even if it was open, the site would have been vandalized beyond recognition.

I along with one of my friend(others were not sober :)) went in the morning to have extensive look at Chorten. The place had transformed. It was buzzing with activity. Many had come to offer their daily prayers. It was a nice feeling to go around the stupa in the morning, reminded me of the pradikshna that we used to do while at home. My friend entered the shrine and I followed him. I was stunned to see what was inside. All the incarnation of Buddha was depicted on a single sculpture. The most fascinating among all of them was that of ardha-pannani. Later, i came to know about the meaning of that representation. It meant the the unification of male and female by overcoming the duality. If seen, one would sit there and think over this unique representation of Buddha.

Day 3 - Around Thimphu

After a heavy breakfast we went to see the view of Thimphu from BTS towers which is like a lover's point. Though I guess the youth in Bhutan has many important things to do other than playing love games on the country side (I miss those days :)). So it was deserted. From there we went to see the national animal of Bhutan - Takin. Its one of the strangest animal. A cross between a mountain goat and Yak (I guess). Watching it was funny as it resembled one of our friend. So we changed the name Takin to Mr. X. If somebody had placed Mr. X and a Takin side by side, he would sure die of laughing at nature's naughtiness.

After having lunch from a chinese restuarant which ended by tasting the horrible Chinese tea, we were on our way to Tango and Cheri Monastery. Tango monastery belongs to Drukpa Kagyu School of Buddhism in Bhutan. It perched high up on a hill and the name Tango in Dzongkha (Bhutanese language ) means horse head. Though, I don't know why it is called like that . After walking for 1 hr, we finally reached there. A slight drizzle accompanied us all the way to top. One of the immediate thing that you notice is the a

stounding scenic beauty coupled with the silence. Far across, you can see a snow capped mountain. As it was almost sunset time, the rays of sun were making sparkle effect on the mountain top. It was a breath taking sight. It reminded me of my trip to Pokra, Nepal and the morning sight of Mt. Annapoorna when sun was coming up. The same sparkle but only difference was that sun was now setting.

Tango monastery was made in the 13th century. Around the central stupa, there are many prayer wheels. Prayer wheels hold an important place in Buddhism. It is the result of manifestation of supreme realization that each individual has limited time in this world, Buddhist monks conjectured the concept of parallel universe by reciting pray

ers more than what they actually could recite. Each revolution chants "O

m Mani Padme Hum" prayer 108 times. Six syllables represents purification(pride, jealousy, passion, ignorance, poverty, aggression) of the six realms(Devas, Asuras, Humans ,Animals, Pretas, Naraks) of existence. After spending around 2 hours on the top we came down. It was still raining. From there we decided to go to Punaka. Since my friend was tired, I to

ok the car. And as it was raining and since it was a high altitude drive, it was a bit scary to drive. And truth to be told, between me and you, it was pitch dark and one of the most deserted roads I have ever driven. We checked into the hotel sometimes after the midnight.

Day 4 - The valley of Van Gogh!

A day is always going to be good if it starts with

a surprise - a good surprise. Our hotel was on the banks of river Pho Chu and on other side of the river there was some himalayan peaks. The sight was breathtaking. I could have stayed there all day long! My friend had to literally push us out of the room.

Our today's itinerary included only one destination - Phobjika. It was a 2 hours drive from Punaka. Vincent Van Gogh is one my favourite painter. He uses the brush with vivid colors that captures emotio

ns in the most exquiste way. He doesn't use a smooth brush but a spiked one. And in Phobjika, you feel as if Van Gogh just finished his painting and left. It was a visual treat. Spades of brown shrubs covering an entire valley with wild horses in between. It is a scenic splendour and what makes it more beautiful is the Gangteng Monastery in the middle of it. It was dream come true for my camera. My shutter never stopped clicking.

Our driver told if we liked Phobjika then we would like another place - Bumthang. It is a kind of cultural capital of Bhutan. We wished to go there but except for me everybody valued time more than LIVING the life. On the way back, we started talking about yesteryears. That was when we realized how astoundingly crazy one of our friend. In his school days,for a science exhibition, he made a exterminator device for rats. And they way it worked - by injecting carbonoxide to the rat!. The most funny part of this incidence was when he smoked out all the people out of the auditorium when his experiment went disarray. We named him Dr. Evil afterwards :)

Day 5 - Beautiful valley of Paro

From Phobjika we went to our last destination - The valley of Paro. Paro got the only the airport in Bhutan and it is an wonderful sight when an aircraft descends for landing through the mountains. The hotel we stayed was in front of paro river. Here too there was the sweet lullaby of paro river. And to those who haven't slept under the stars on river side should do so. Nothing in the world can compensate that experience.

We roamed around streets of Paro to shop some exquiste Bhutanese antiques. But I must say they give very less importance to Indian tourists. And the reason being the lofty bargaining nature of our bloodline. So my MBA friends from the elite college of India conjectured this theorem - Charm the lonely shop lady. We scouted the entire area for shops which is not crowded, which is not dimly lighted, and shop owner being a lady. The tricky part is there will be a lot of shops where ladies handle the things but you need to catch one where lady trading is the owner! As an added icing to our cake, it was closing time for shops. We found our prey. The next process is charming and luckily one of my friend specialized in it. The first thing he picked up in that shop was a phallus! We didn't know what he was thinking. We started laughing and to get it worse, the lady got offended. Before she could react, he started scolding us. As per Buddhist tradition of Bhutan, a phallus is often regarded as divine symbol for fertility. Women who have issues to conceive are blessed with a phallus. Often you can see phallus dangling at door steps of Bhutanese homes. When my friend explained with supreme confidence, we were awed and our lady shopkeeper was smiling. She was trapped. Now he asked us to shop at our will. While we were doing this, he was talking to her, charming all the way in and how glibly he did it. And then he put nail on the coffin. Instead of discounting on the total, he started putting discount on individual pieces. Now what he did was putting extra discount on each pieces so as to reduce marginal profit. To make things more easier he put more discount so as to prolong the bargaining process. It was fun to see my friend asking articles for price and the lady refusing with smile. This went on for around 20-25 minutes and since it was closing time, he just increased his asking price by a small percent and she was ready to sell the whole stuff. We came out of that shop really happy!

Day 6 - Taktsang aka Tiger nest
The next day we went to the most beautiful and sacred place in Bhutan - Taktsang Monastery or Tiger nest monastery. According the local myth, whosever visit tatsang attains moksha. The pecularity of this monastery is that its perched high on a hill. From the valley below its a majestic sight to watch. And my entire trip was to take one photograph- just one photograph. So that I can strike one line of from Bucket list. Yes, I am crazy!
To reach Taktsang, one need to trek for 3 hrs. Its a winding but lesurable path to the monastery. In fact for a seasoned trekker it would hardly take 2 hours. Instead we took almost 3.5 hrs to reach there. Thanks to 4 DSLRs we were having. It was a competetion to get the perfect photo on the way to Taktsang. The last stretch of path is breathtaking, one needs to go along the cliff side to reach the monastry. At around 2300 ft above between two cliffs there is small bridge that connects them. Prayer flags of different colors decorated this bridge and all the way upto monastery. When you are here, its a different feeling and truth to be told, I don't have enough vocabularyto describe them.

Taktsang monastery contains a series of shrines. We went to each one of them to get the blessings. And then we were on our way back.

Day 7 - the way back
The next day, we went back to Phintshoeling. The day started with a fight over taxi fare for the last 6 days. Bhutan was supposed to be a cheap destination but we ended up paying around 17k as the taxi fare. But our exciting journey didn't stop there. We had to catch a train to Kolkatta and then a connecting flight to Hyderabad and Mumbai. After putting special use of our geography skills instead of going to NJP, went to a station which was around 50 Kms away from Jaigon so that we can catch the same train but few stations before. When we reached there, we came to know that Indian railways was true to its word - The train was late and late by around 8 hours. The minimal odd suggested if take the train, we are going to miss the flight from Kolkatta. So we scouted for a taxi and driver who could cover 730 Kms in 13 hours. Finally we found one - a true descendent of Michael Schumacher.

True to his words, we were flying across rural areas of West Bengal. Thrice I saw death in front of me. Even though we put up a descent 80 km/hr on average, we thought we might not make it. In the last 1 hour we had to cover almost 90 kms and cover we did. When I saw the airport's departure lounge, it was like having a second life.

To visit Bhutan was one of the best decision I have made. And I would cherish it for the rest of my life. Once I reached back campus, another surprise was waiting for me there - a tour de Scotland :)

2011-07-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

This Never Happened Before......

Saw "The Lake House" for the nth time. I love this movie. Because a part of me believes in it.

Like in the movie, If I ever wished to change one moment in my life, what would that be ? Although the answer was simple, I was racking my mind. After all, I am going to alter one small instance in my life that would change it altogether.

On that rainy day, I would have waited on that hospital bench. I wouldn't have walked away on my friend's insistence. I would have talked with her and convinced her. And it would have been a different me now , with this post being never written.

The last sound track of the movie is humming in my head.

"i'm very sure

this never happened to me before
i met you and now i'm sure
this never happened before"

2011-06-24T15:10:00.001-07:00

Carpe diem

I put my steps with caution, thinking over and over again.
To or not to.
I am not sure of what the answer would be. But I feel like devouring poison slowly, drop by drop. And the agonizing pain that I endure can suffer no longer. I make my mind.
To or not to.
Confused to core I am, and yet, there may be no tomorrow. Bitter memories of yesterday when I waited haunts me and tell me not to repeat those nightmares again.
I muster that last ounce of courage and walk ahead.
To meet her.

And I met her and told her what my aches my mind, no.. my heart.

2011-05-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

What I cannot explain

Life is only complex as the way we see it. Yet, I embark on answering what boundaries of science is not sure of. They say it is a complex problem. Not answered until now. But am I the right one to pursue it ? Because I don't know even the simple things that I see everyday.

I don't know why the water I drink is transparent.

Why do the smile I give when I see my friend is different from the one when I pose for a photograph?

Why is an apple called an apple?

Why is sea water salty?

Why do I dream; what are they actually?

If everything is made of atoms why are there different shapes?

What gives the light so much speed that we cannot see them?

Why are there only 4 seasons?

Why do grazing animals always come back to barn, don't they yearn for their freedom?

Why do I close my eyes while sleeping?

Why do it rain in drops not as a stream?

Why do the clock have only 60 seconds in a minute?

Why do ants always go as a monorail?

Why do tears come when I cry?

I see these phenomenon in my daily life, yet I neglect them or ceased to notice them. These are seemingly simple things that happens in my mundane life. And I delve a little deep, I find how complex life is.

I am conveniently leaving them behind so that some things in my life remain simple and unanswered as the complexity deprives it of that naiveness.

And I call myself a researcher- what an irony!

Pic courtesy: me :)

2011-05-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

What makes the life wonderful.

The snooze function on the alarm that allows to sleep 5 more minutes.

Chillness of the water droplets that trickles across the face while taking the morning bath.

The Calvin & Hobbs comic strip on the last page of the news paper.

The smell of the aromatic black tea during the breakfast.

Leaving the hands free while on the bike and gazing at the vast lake that passes by.

Smile on your buddy's face when you say "Good Morning".

Mails in your box which starts with a "Dear" and ends with a "Love".

The status message thats says "completed" at the end of the program execution.

Naughty jokes during the lunch and the 15 min power nap thereafter.

The last 1 minute to 5:00PM. And as an icing on the cake, it being a Friday.

Floodlights in the ground allowing to jog in the night than skipping the cozy morning sleep.

That 1 rupee reduction for the Pomegranate juice costing 16 bucks because of not finding change.

ATM door that opens with any card including the library card.

Guy who shares 1 TB of movies on the LAN asks for no "Thank Yous".

Creaking fan that sounds rhythmically to make it a sweet lullaby.

The sleep with dreams of tomorrow.

2011-05-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

Déjà vu

When I say this please believe me. I am sane and I am sober.

I have these déjà vu moments which are unusually large in number to be associated with an average human being. But my problem is not that I am having many of them rather I have stopped seeing what is going to happen nowadays. And thats strange.

Again iterating what I said before I am completely sane and sober.

What concerns me is not the fact that I am not able to forsee whats going to happen but the moment that the whole world conspires to set the instance of my life that I had for-seen coming true. Like a jigsaw puzzle falling into place, like a contrivance unfolding its secret, like a meandering river meeting the unseen ocean - an ecstasy of minute things working in tandem to create that destiny which you know would happen but didn't know how.

Life is now totally unpredictable which is nice as it is normal but I miss those exhilarating moments when something you saw already happens again.

I repeat for the last time, I am sober and sane.

2011-04-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

PhD

In the darkest zone of your mind, there is this fear murmuring in the murkiest voice saying "What if". Sometimes grunting in between with a raucous sound making your heart beat more than 72 times per minute. And thats when you do your retrospection - "Did I make the right decision?". Like a demonic conscience pricking your heart for a self confession sort of, it further deepens the wound. You know nothing else can be done except to hope for the best. And thats what precisely what everybody else would say to you - "All is going to be fine". Bah! a voice echoes again from that darkest zone, reverberating across the same sanctum that you created while making the very decision you thought was a right decision but is being denounced now. Thinking that what you did all these years pondering and breaking your sweat and sleep over, sometimes, may never be appreciated by anybody except you.

But you live on as if you are deaf, doing the very same thing that you did yesterday as if that yesterday didn't exist at all. Hoping this nth time, there is a miracle.

And they say PhD is not a degree but a state of mind - well said whosoever that was.

2011-04-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

28 Years

On that fateful day, 28 years before, tri-color flag fluttered high at Lords. I was then 0 years old! 28 years. Yes, a country of 1.2 billion had waited 28 years to celebrate the second anniversary of that great event.

If modern science count 4 years as a generation gap, then 7 generation have passed since that flag fluttered that high. Now I am 28, and yesterday I saw how it is to feel when that tri-color flag fluttered high again, at Wankade stadium, Bombay.

28 years. Average age of 2011 world cup winning Indian team. A team that posses a uncanny ability to fight back from the brinks of defeat. And fight to end till victory is theirs. Finally, we have a TEAM where there is not just one Sachin but many.

11 able men under the command of one, a leader is what made the history repeat after 28 years. A leader who is worthy to be called so in all sense. A calm and composed individual whose mind works like a jig-saw puzzle only to reveal the final picture when that winning run is scored. And yesterday he joined the ranks of those who were blessed to hold that great cup.

These men have united a nation of 1000 religions into one by just sweet loft of ball across the boundary line. A country which is day by day loosing its sheen to dirty politics of scams and shams wanted a moment to see their old self to believe again in themselves. And the men in blue have given them a fountain head which, perhaps, is a new beginning.

Pic courtesy: www.cricketnext.com

2011-03-13T05:39:00.000-07:00

പാതി പേയ്ത മഴ

അന്ന് മഴപെയ്യനുണ്ടായിരുന്നു.
പതിവ് തെറ്റാതെ അച്ഛന്‍ കാറുമായി വഴിയില്‍ എനയും കാതു നിന്നിരുന്നു.
നൂറില്‍ പരം കുടകളുടെ ഇടയില്‍ നിന്ന് എന്നെ കണ്ടു പിടിക്യാന്‍ വളരെ ബുദ്ധിമുട്ടാണ് . മഴകാലത്ത് , തൃശൂര്‍ തോമസ്സാറിന്റെ ക്ലാസ്സിന്റെ മുനില്ലേ സ്ഥിര ദിരശ്യം ആണ് ഞാന്‍ പറയുനത്. അത് കൊണ്ട് തന്നെ ഞാന്‍ കൂടുകരോടെ അതികം കുശലം പറയാതെ കാറിന്റെ അരികില്‍ എത്തി.

“കുട്ടാ ഇത്ര പെട്ടന് കഴിഞ്ഞോ ?” അച്ഛന് സംശയം.

“അച്ഛന്‍ ഇവിടെ വന്നിതു പത്തു മിനിടിഅല്ലേ ആയിടുല്ലു, ഞാന്‍ ഒന്നര മണികൂര്‍ മുമ്പ് ഇവിടെ എത്തി ” ഞാന്‍ ചിരിച്ചു കൊണ്ട് പറഞ്ഞു.

“ഇന്നി എന്താ പരിപാടി , ഇന്ന് സംസരിക്കുനില്ലേ ?” ഒരു ചെറിയ കളിയാക്കലിന്റെ സ്വരം അതില്‍ ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു.

ഞാന്‍ പതുക്കെ കാറിന്റെ ഡോര്‍ അടച്ചു.

“ഇന്ന് വേണ്ട ...മൂടില്ല ” ഞാന്‍ ഒഴിഞ്ഞു മാരന്‍ ഓരോ കാരണങ്ങള്‍ തപ്പി കൊണ്ട് ഇര്രിനു.

“ഇന്നിക്ക് അറിയാം നീ ഒന്നും മിണ്ടുള്ള എന്ന് , നീ നിന്റെ അമ്മേടെ മോന്‍ തന്നെ ” അച്ഛന്‍ വളരെ ഗൌരവത്തോടെ എന്നെ നോക്കി.

കുട്ടുകാരെ പിന്നിലാക്കി കാര്‍ മുനോട്ടു നിങ്ങി

“അല്ല , ഞാന്‍ സംസാരിക്കില എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞില്ല ലോ, പിന്നെ എന്താ പ്രശ്നം . ഇന്ന് വേണ്ട അത്ര മാത്രം.”

“നിന്റെ നാളെ ആവുമ്പോഴേക്കും അവളെ വല്ലേ ആണ്‍ പിള്ളേര് കൊണ്ട് പോവും, എന്നിടു നീ ചാവകാട് കടപുറത്തു മാനസ മയില്‍ പാടി നടക്കും ... അത് വേണ്ട , ഞാന്‍ തന്നെ മുന്‍ കൈയി എടുത്തോളാം.” അച്ഛന്‍ എന്ടോ ഉറപ്പിച്ച മട്ടില്‍ പറഞ്ഞു.

“അങ്ങനെ ഒന്നും അവള്‍ പൂവുല്ല എന്റെ fathereeee ..” ഞാന്‍ എന്നെ തന്നെ ആശ്വസിപിക്ക്യന്‍ നോകി.

“നമ്മുക്ക് കാണാം ”

Horn അടിച്ചു പത്തു കാര്‍ മുന്നോട്ടു നീങ്ങി . ഹോര്നിറെ ശബ്ദം കേട്ട് മുന്‍പേ പോക്കുന നാളത്തെ എഞ്ചിനീയര്‍ഉം ഡോക്ടരുമാരും വഴി അറികലേക്ക് ഒതുങ്ങി നടന്നു.

പച്ച ചുരിദാര്‍ അവള്‍ക്ക് നന്നേ ചെരുമയിരരുനു. കുട മുഖം മൂടിയിരുനിങ്ങളും അവളെ എന്നിക്ക് നല്ലേ ദൂരത്തു നിന്നെ മനസിലായി . അച്ഛനും മനസിലായി.

അവളുടെ അരികള്‍ എതിയപോള്‍ വണ്ടി പതുക്കെ പോകാന്‍ തുടങ്ങി .

“ഒരു ലിഫ്റ്റ്‌ വേണോ എന്ന് നിനക്ക് ചോദിച്ചുടെ ?” അച്ഛന്‍ വളരെ ലാഗവത്തോടെ എന്നോട് ചോദിച്ചു.
കേട്ടപാതി കേല്‍കാതെപാതി , ഞാന്‍ ചില്ല് താഴ്ത്തി ചോദിച്ചു “ഞാന്‍ ശകതന്‍ വഴിക്ക്യാണ്, സ്റ്റാന്‍ഡില്‍ വിടാം , മഴ കൂടകയെ ഉള്ളു എന്നാണ് അച്ഛന്‍ പറയുന്നേ” ഞാന്‍ വച്ചു അടിച്ചു.

അച്ഛന്‍ കാറ് നിര്‍ത്തിയുടുണ്ടയിര്രുനു. ചിരിജുകൊണ്ട് എന്നോട് പുറകിലത്തെ ഡോര്‍ തുറന്നു കൊട്ടുകാന്‍ പറഞ്ഞു.

മഴ അന്ന് രക്ഷിച്ചു. അവള്‍ കാറില്‍ കയറി.

ഞാന്‍ വിചാരിച്ചു ഇന്നി ഒരിക്കലും അവള്‍ എന്നെ വിട്ടു പോവില്ല എന്ന്. അച്ഛനും.

പക്ഷെ ഞങ്ങള്‍ രണ്ടു പേര്‍ക്കും തെറ്റി. വര്‍ഷങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് ശേഷം എന്ന് മാത്രം.

2011-02-09T02:13:00.000-08:00

Memories. Can they be washed away?

Like sands on the shore, cast away into the depths of sea. Never to return, or to return when least expected. But in the face of millions of such particles, can a single grain standout? Eclipsing all others that lie besides it.

Shades of black and brown interleaving and interluding and laying like one, yet can it be possible while the foot leaves an impression of your existence on them, that one grain of sand calls you. Echoing in the silence of cathedral that you created by blocking every other sweet nuisance of life. This violation of sanctum is what memories bring in. And precisely the thing that I like to cast away where nobody can find.

"As long as time flows forward, the future which we are so mesmerized by is nothing but an untouched past". I read these lines somewhere and I feel sorry that I don't remember. Remembering something that needs to be remembered is the greatest boon and bane of man. Fact that you need to forget to move forward makes you wonder because you are forced to remember that you need to forget it. That is the boon but fact that you need to remember makes it all the more difficult to forget. That is the bane. A perfect example of Godel's strange loop.

Life moves in circles. No beginnings and no ends. Once forgotten will always come back and soon will be forgotten again. Steps of many, motioned in unison, to a unknown symphony guiding just to path ahead. Only to remind, that, you passed through the same years before.

Memories. Can they be washed away ?

A note: The song included was the inspiration behind this post. In my arrogant attempt to learn a language every six months, I came across this beautiful song in a movie called Gitanjali. Superb rendition by SPB and melodious Hamsanadam raaga by Tyagaraja forced me to vent out my hazy emotions. Pardon me (to all those who read it) :P

2010-11-27T11:24:00.001-08:00

Should I or not?

The stage is the epic war of Kurushethra between Kauravas and Pandavas.

For the last 13 days, many battles were won by both sides, but the verdict of the mother-of-all-wars was still unpredictable. The victory swayed into both side like light feather.

Duryodhana had become concerned as what that was left was of the 11 cavalries that came from northern plains of Ganges, only few Aryan kings were left to wage the remaining war. After the great Bhishma was slayed by Dhanajaya, Drona was in command of Kaurava fleet. Duryodhana knew well that if the war progressed, his side would be defeated, this prompted him to ask acharya to target Yudhishtira and imprison him. If Yudhishtira was captured live, he was sure that his life could be exchanged for the kingdom and eventually the defeat of Pandavas.

On the 13th day, Drona, ordered kaurava fleet form Chakravyuh, the lotus formation. The peculiarity of this formation is that only few men knew how to enter and successfully suppress this formation. It was a offensive formation which provided with a natural defense: If you need to attack it, you need to enter it and there is only on entry point. Moreover, the lotus rotates making only few men able to enter it behind the main attacker. For the rest of the army the entry point would have got closed even before they could realize it.

I know how to enter it. But I don't know how to come out of it.

Abhimanyu, son of Arjuna and Shubdra, who was only 16 when Dharmraja asked him to enter the chakravyuh to stop Drona's carnage. A staunch follower of Kshatriya dharma, Abhimanyu had to enter, irrespective of knowing that he wouldn't come out of it alive. It was a brave and necessary act.

I just don't want to be the Abhimanyu.

But.

Abhimanyu attained moksha only because he didn't know how to exit the chakravyuh. Krishna deliberately didn't reveal the way to successful foil chakravyuh when he was telling shubdra about various tactical moves practiced in the battle field. He knew that Abhimanyu's soul belonged to a yaksha and this was the reason he didn't knowingly complete his recital about the conquering chakravyuh to shubdra.

I want to be free but does that mean that I would be required to take the attire of Abhimanyu.

But I guess, I need to fight.

2010-11-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

മറുപടി കിട്ടിയില്ലെങ്ങിലും

നിന്‍ സ്നേഹമൊരു സഹയാത്രിയുടേതോ അതോ ഒരു സഹപാഠിയുടേതോ
അറിയില്ല എനിക്ക് നാള്‍ ഇതുവരെ
അറിയുവാന്‍ ഉള്ള മോഹവും വൃഥായെന്ന് എനിക്ക് അറിയുമെങ്കിലും

ഒരു ദശകമായ് നിന്‍ പുഞ്ചിരിമാത്രം എന്‍ മനസ്സിലേന്തി
നാള്‍ ഇതുവരേയും യാമങ്ങള്‍ തള്ളിനീക്കി
പറഞ്ഞതോ ഓര്‍മയില്ല കേള്‍ക്കുവാനോ പറഞ്ഞതുമില്ല
ഇനിഒരുനാള്‍ കാണുവാന്‍ മാത്രം മോഹം

മോഹമാം മോഹമായി, മിന്നിമായുന്ന ഓര്‍മകളുമായി
യാമങ്ങള്‍ ഇനിയും ഞാന്‍ സഞ്ചരിച്ചിരിക്കും
നിന്‍ ഉത്തരം സഹയാത്രിയുടേതോ അതോ ഒരു സഹപാഠിയുടേതോ
എന്നുമാ ചോദ്യമായി എന്‍ മനസ്സത്രയും

2010-11-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

A twist - again.

A picture is worth 1000 words.

I saw her.

She was happy.

And the picture said what would I have had.

A picture is worth 1000 words

I saw her never.

She was happy.

And the picture said what would I be.

A picture is worth 1000 words.

2010-09-21T10:24:00.002-07:00

Himalayan Trek - Part 2

Delhi, I hate this city. It has always cheated me.

And this time too, it held to its devious past.

Treachery 1 : Took me all the way to Gurgoan's Rajeev Chowk instead of Connaught place Rajiv Chowk from airport that too at wee hours.

Treachery 2: Sold overpriced ticket from Delhi-Manali in the worst ever bus that I got into of my life.

But thats fine, I expected more from this city. I was happy that it got over with just those incidents.

Delhi to Manali is a 17hrs trip. The mercury was at its peak. The whole of Northern India was burning and because of my friends insistence, we were trapped in a 1960 Leyland transport. The only respite was the Sikh conductor who entertained us with stories about cities that we passed on the way.

It was around 12 in the midnight when we reached Manali. It was freezing out there. Without looking out for finer details we settled ourselves at a shady Hotel. The most entertaining fact that I noticed over there was just one thing - There was no fan and there was no mosquitoes

Our next day started with drizzle. We saw how much commercialized Manali was. As we hadn't equipped ourself with the proper winter clothes, we started our hunt for them. After lingering around in local stores for 2-3 hrs, we retraced our way back to a place called Bhunter. Bhunter is a small town before Kullu. Kasol, the base camp, is around 2 hrs from Bhunter.

Road to Kasol is one of the best scenic roads you could ever see in your life. You meanders through the sides of river Parbati and its a real joy to watch the river dancing below, following you like teasing you all the way. At that moment itself we decided to go for rafting across it.

Kasol is a small village on the banks of Parbati. The mainstay of the economy may be , I guess, foreigners and YHAI trekkers :P. One of the surprising fact that caught my eyes over here is the sign boards in Hebrew. Yes, its an Israeli getaway place. There is throng of them here and may be with foot not on the ground but with sense of immortal elation. Yes, kasol is also the mecca of “you know what”. All vagabonds would like Kasol, its just paradise on earth and cheaper paradise too.

The camp was on the banks of Parbati. There were separate tents for men and women. There were around 15 out of them. And like a luxury, there was a separate tent for the Camp Leader. was 60+ fellow who had climbed Mt Everest. The first day went fine. Everyday there was a camp fire organized by people from the previous batch. The people somehow shed their shyness in cold and misty air to show their cultural prowess. One particular aspect of life that I had forgotten when I left my school days was reminded to me when lights were put off at sharp 10. The camp was maintained under a strict military discipline. We also were convinced regarding the utilities of each and everything mentioned in the itinerary list. We had forgot to bring the torch and we were groping in the darkness to get place to bunk.

A typical day at camp starts at 5 in the morning. Oh god, I had forgotten when I had last seen 5 in the morning. And soon after a cup of coffee, we were off for morning exercise. I hated this part. By the time it was over, everybody had their body warmed up and lost a few unwanted pounds :). But soon it was made up for by a fantastic breakfast thereafter.

On the second day, an acclimatization trip was conducted. During this time, we were taken to a small hill near by the camp. It was around 1500 ft higher than the camp site. The hill was covered with pine trees and other flora which I tried to decipher from my old botanical days. But senility had spread my hairs grey, everything were stuck at the tip of my tongue. This was the time when we got acquainted with our tour mates. The crowd was a uniform mix. Some kids, some professionals, some oldies and some who apparently were old but forgot to grow old. Then and there I got the vibe of the forthcoming days.

That night, it was our turn to orchestrate the camp fire. I don't know how the other fellows managed to give an awesome performance. The camp leader was impressed to exalting heights. The day after we were finally going off to see the snow peaks that we could see now in the horizon.

To be continued.

2010-08-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

Himalayan Trek - Part 1

I always liked sea.

The breeze, the calmness, the vastness and the trance: all made me closer to them.

I loved mountains but never been to one before I went and saw the great Himalayas.

My life – has changed after that.

Every year, in the month of May, Youth Hostel Ass
ociation of India conducts a trek for the youths(read as all) for a 11 day to cross Sarpass – near kasol in Himachal Pradesh. They provide food and accommodation and also guide you cross the pass. Instead, you have to behave according to the code and conduct of YAHI – which means no alcohol and no smoke :) and more importantly early to bed and early to rise.

Before I begin the description about my Himalayan expedition, let me give a preview of what happened before I reached the land of snow.

I first heard about this trekking programme from one of my friend who had gone the year before. He said it was an experience beyond anything he had felt or ever feel. He didnt say anymore and I didnt think further. Then and there I had decided to go.

I basically prefer to travel alone. But this time it was different. Along with me, came three more. All of them were my campus friends. 3 years of industrial experience had made me an epitome of laziness. And even though I never planned anything, the others had enough maturity to do advance booking of the train tickets – both to and fro. So we had a train booked to Delhi and then back after 13 days. Even though we booked on the second opening day of booking, we still were in waiting list category. They were optimistic that we could pull it off - “hey there is 2 more months”. But I had a fair bit of idea about the things that were going to happen.

Around two weeks before the start of the trip, one of my travel mate informed me that the ticket had not confirmed yet. But he was still optimistic that it would confirmed. Time was ticking. I didn't mind the ticket getting confirmed because I had something inside me repeating all the time that I was going to be at the foothills of Himalayas. But we started to panic once it was close to the D-day and ticket were not even budging from their waiting list status. Then one of us suggested of taking a ticket from an agent. Youth of today cares less about money and they , I believe, trust everyone. We spend around 7000 bucks to get a confirmed ticket to Delhi on May 15. Even though we still had the tickets that we reserved, we thought there was no harm in having a backup. The problem was our ticket started moving up the status on the D-1 day while the ticket with agent still hadn't moved. One of my friend was so good in statistics that he analyzed the train booking series for the train we had booked and said we would get ticket. But we believed more on the agent and hence we canceled our ticked and put our entire bet on the agents one, which was one day later. Thats were all the problem started. On May 15, we four reached Bandra station at around 4:00 to catch 4:15 train. To our dismay, we came to know that our ticket had a status of waitling list 1 to 4. The agent from whom we had booked was no-where to be seen.

As we watched helplessly, we saw the train moving away – so too was my dream. But I had decided to go. My phone ceaselessly dialed number of all possible airliners. We came to know that there was an Air India flight from Mumbai International terminal at 8. Within half an hour, we were in front of the ticket counter at the terminal. “4 tickets to Delhi for the 8:00 PM flight please” I did not want to waste anymore time. I was shocked to hear that flight was full. I would have vented out all my frustration to that lady at kiosk. But lack of time compelled me cut down no -nonsense talk to updating their server information every 5 minutes.

I could see my himalayan trek going into smoke. But there was one chance left – I called up another airline which had a flight at around 11:30 PM. The flight was available and I did not waste time in booking the ticket directly through the phone. The issue was, the flight left from Mumbai domestic terminal and not from where we were currently holed up.

After about an hour fighting for a taxi, we finally reached the domestic terminal. As soon as we arrived, we checked in. The airport was as usual busy with 'god knows what' but that did not stop me from drifting to my Himalayan dream. It was around 11:40 when we finally boarded the flight. And in about 2 hours we landed at Delhi airport.

I was definitely going to see the great mountains!

To be continued.

Dedicating this post to never dying spirit of भारतीय प्रौद्योगिकी संस्थान, मुंबई including all its goof ups :)

2010-08-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

The Questions

In a lifetime, there are many questions that stare at you.

We try to answer them. And Everybody have a reason behind these answers.

But, there are some questions which have an answer but no reasons for that answer.

If you set apart that bunch of questions, may be, you can find the ones that actually need an answer.

Life, after-all, is all about asking the right questions.

And if you can find answers to them - life becomes a bliss.

I think, finally, I have started asking the right questions.

2010-05-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

The keyboard Fiasco.

Tring Tring.

Helu you have reached Dell support, our IVR menu has changed, please listen for our new menu
If you have your monitor not working please press 1
If you have your hard disk not working please press 2
If you have your entire system not working please press 3
If you have you dont know whether your system is working please press 4
If you have any other problem, our counselor is pleased to help you
please press 5 for a female counselor or 6 for a male counselor.

As it was my keyboard that was not working, and hence the closest option was 3 for me and i pressed that magic button.

Helu you have reached Dell support, our IVR menu has not changed, please listen to our old boring menu

If you have a screen problem, please press 1
If you have a mouse problem, please quietly press 2
If you have a keyboard problem, please press 3

Thank god, I love this number 3. By the time I mugged their IVR menu, It had cost me 3 minutes of my call. I am sure my phone company's boss's sister is married to Dell's vice president's brother. 10% of their last net product value came through this collaboration.

After 5 minutes of fighting, I finally managed to get hold of Technical support team.

Hello, Dell support, Please tell me your 6 digit service tag number"
"A service what ? I have never called you, I am calling this for the first time" I tried to reason out.
"Sir, you can find this number from back of your system."

I painfully got this number from the back of my system and then began strenuous peace of conversation.

"Hi, Please note it FZC182"

"Sir could you spell it properly." I forgot that I was talking to an American sitting in Mirzapur.
"F for finger, Z for Zing, C for Count, 182 - I explained.
"You mean S for Sing " She had skipped 8th grade because she was too smart (as told by her English teacher who happened to be her mother's aunt's husbands younger sister's ..ZZZzzzzzz).

"No Z for Zebra"

"Sir can you spell it?"

I was spell bound for a second, then getting my composure back I said with fuming up.

"The last letter of English alphabet"

"oh, sorry sir....Yes, how may I assist you?" She had come back to their training routine. Now she felt more confident.

I told her my problem. She was not convinced that could happen she wanted to know how it happened. Hello am i speaking to a technical support or a random chatter!!!

"ok sir, now i understand your problem. We think its not your keyboard that is having the real problem. But somewhere else. I will follow you through a procedure to find where the exact problem" She was now in command.

" As far as my knowledge goes I think, the problem is in keyboard." I tried to argue.

" No sir, Please insert your diagnostic CD to your drive and please go through the procedure. I shall wait." She was not ready to give up.

"But Miss I have a problem with Keyboard, no alphabets will be displayed" I tried to convince her.

"Sir, I assure your problem will be fixed. Please start the test".

For all those people who have had an experience of diagnostic CD. It asks for inputs at certain intervals. But Dell went a step ahead - I will explain how.

The diagnostic CD started its work as soon as i put it in. First it tested the screen and then flashed a message-" If the picture quality is not correct, Please press Y". Unfortunately or fortunately my screen was ok and I didnt have to press "Y". There was counter which waited for 8 second after which the other test continued.

Then there was memory test - which took darn 15 minutes to finish. After this came the famous keyboard test

"Press Y to do a keyboard test. Press "S" to skip "

I was flabbergasted seeing this. I wanted to jump out of balcony after writing a suicide note against Dell.

Finally, after waiting more than 25 minutes on the call, she appologised to me and told me that somebody from dell team will be visiting to fix my key board.

Disclaimer: The incident happened 3 months before and may be Dell IVR menu has changed again. Also I dont have any issues with technical support lady - whosoever it was.

2010-04-23T14:36:00.000-07:00

The purpose.

A river flows without knowing where it is going. But eventually it joins the ocean.

A life starts without knowing what is going to happen. But eventually it culminates in death.

What am I supposed to do?

2010-04-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

The shadow

Shadows are always with you.

Or is it?

I don’t know when I last looked at my shadow.
And I don’t know whether I am being followed at all. How strange.

They say you should never play with your shadows.

Dreams it may not have, for sleep is forbidden in that world.
Diluting away into melanoid night, only to appear in dawn from below the curtains.

Subtle, quiet, uncared and unnoticed….. An existence borne out for following only one person for a lifetime. Without any complaints, day after day it stays faithful till the end.

But do you give one look backwards, to see at least once if it is following you?

Sometimes I feel.. I am just a shadow.

Image courtesy: Josh Otis

2010-03-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

A fictional fantasy

Metropolitan Museum of arts is always crowded throughout the year. I am not a crowd-liking-person but I liked this museum. And whenever I come from Boston, I make it a point to come here and thereafter a stroll in the Central Park. And this has been the custom for last 7 years. But today it was different.

It’s been 13 years since I made that last call. And I still remember the "good bye" and long silence of phone thereafter. .......Seems like yesterday.

The cloudy sky suggested a heavy shower and i didn't want to get wet. But my schedule was not over. Every stop here would sub consciously pull me to New York HotDog and coffee. However, I had a feeling that I am not going to make it this time.

It started as a drizzle.

Hundreds of umbrellas suddenly sprang into life. Unlike back at home, they were not black ones. A multitude of colors and unimaginable shapes, and only hint they can be called as umbrella; they were not making you wet.In midst of new world, I was reminder of old world.

Rain had started its sonata.

"come inside, you will get wet"

That voice. The one I have trying in vain to forget, but only to be remembered over and over again.

I wanted to see her face, see those eyes and that smile. I wanted to say "hi". I wanted to know how she was. I wanted to tell what I am doing. I wanted to... turn back and just see a glimpse.

"No mommy, see my hood is on". A little girl, standing may be just behind, me was insisting.

The rain had changed its direction. A drop fell on my face. And then many followed.

It started to pour down heavily.

Everything had changed.

Pic courtesy: Christian Carocca

2010-02-19T21:45:00.000-08:00

I am lazy.

I had to submit a photograph for a competition in our college. Everybody told me to submit, because they thought I was good in capturing frames. But I believed I didn't have the perfect photo for the theme of the competition.

The theme was "Blue" . I saw others photographs and all they had done was putting a shade of blue when they took the picture. But I believe, by "Blue", the judges thought something else. And I was looking out for that other shot. As usual.
Anyway I could not get the shot and did not submit, even though I had a photo for the regular "Blue".

Public is angry at me as I did not submit this one.
"Junta!!! it is just another competition!!!"

2010-01-23T14:10:00.000-08:00

Pretending to smile,
I cried.
For reasons unknown,
I cried.
Confused was I not, Yet
I cried.
Mad was I not, Yet
I cried.

And I cried with a smile.
and they laughed, I smiled again.

2010-01-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

Horizon.

It is the same the sky, the same beach and the same sun. But everytime it is different.
A gentle chilly breeze soothes my face. I look ahead. The same horizon and yet it is different.
Like a palette where a bit of white, blue and yellow mixed together, the same sky and yet so much different from yesterday.

I fold my novel, it is not interesting anymore. The breeze again touches me and go, as if trying to get my attention. I am listening and I look ahead. Holding my breath i look into horizon. Just a rhythmic flow of waves beating the shore and the horizon. In between like a swing, the breeze comes and ruffle my hair. I look at the infinity where sea touches the sky. A unification of nature's senses.

A visual trance, I forget everything....just about everything.
And for moment I am happy....real happy.

Sun has set. The sallowness is fading further as if the artist had enough of yellow. A pale blue blends from the east. Soon horizon will dissolve into darkness. Another day has just ended.

Pic courtesy:http://phlogthat.wordpress.com/2008/06/01/costa-rican-sunset-tamarindo-beach-pacific-coast/

2010-01-02T13:05:00.000-08:00

The kiss

The first kiss. Everybody remember their first kiss.

The hesitation, the tremble, the eyes closing and….. the kiss.
The warmth, the taste, the lips holding and ….the departing.
The breathing, the childish smile, closing again and …the kiss.
The upper, the lower, hands running down the hair and… breath running out.

The first kiss.

Hard to remember the last though.

Last Friday? Or was it the week before. Or did we kiss goodnight that time?
The foul smell, taste Chinese, the dry lips or the novice .....
The simple goodbye kiss, or the peck on the left cheek, is that a kiss? ..
The calling, the mobile ringing, or the dad opening the front door…and the running..

Would like to know what is the secret behind it – the kiss thing. Any comments.

Pic courtesy:http://www.mysugarspace.com/images/kiss.JPG

2009-12-30T11:06:00.000-08:00

2009

After 25 years of life, I learned what I am all about.

I learned what I can do, which I possibly never imagined I could.

2009 was a wonderful year.
It made me sweat like never before,
It made me burn like never before,
It inflicted the most painful wound of my life.

But that was it.

2009 was a wonderful year.
It made me bury away old memories.
It resurrected me.
It gave back so many little things, which others call trivial, to my life.

And the best thing I did in 2009 -
Started learning violin, my best investment of 2009.

And the worst thing I did in 2009 - who wants to remember them???

2009-12-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

Neelambari

Neelambari means ~~blue eyed~~ living in the blue sky.
But I am not concerned of the blue eyes.
I am concerned of my eyes. They are not closing.
A thousand memories flooding in.
A thousand different sounds shouting in my ears.
I want to sleep. And I want to sleep deep!

Neelambari is a raga(a ordinal combination of musical notes) in carnatic music (a genre of classical music found in southern part of India). Neelambari is a slow paced, lullaby raga. Empirically it has been proved that there are some therapeutic properties which induces sleep if this raga is sung. The science behind this is simple (not that simple); a pacifying raga like Neelambari cools down the hypothalamus and tricks it into peaceful state thus preventing it from sending all-chaos-panic signals.

I love to sleep. so needless to say I love Neelambari, infact it is my favourite raga and most of the songs i like also belong to this raga.

Just like sleep inducing ragas, there are sleep eliciting ragas - example Madhyamavathi takes one to a higher conscious state. At present, I believe somebody is singing a song in Madhyamavathi to present me with a night-out. The only song i listened to today was gum sum gum sum - From Paa and if i am correct I believe its from Kaapi raga and Kaapi's specialty is that it takes the whole of one's attention and makes you tied to it.

In order to sleep, I have two options left:
1. Take a text book and read - I might doze off. The probablity this combine event happening that : going to search for a book, selecting a book, reading a book and then sleeping - is very very grim

or

2. Listen to a song in Neelambari

And I am going to choose the latter :)

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

PS: I started of writing this post thinking Neelambari means blue eyed but Bhavya informed me the correct meaning. Thanks Bhavya. And sorry for the confusion

2009-12-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

A filmy letter
Dear G,

Once I loved you.

I loved you more than anything. But then, I didn’t know it was love. And later, when I knew it was love.You were not there.

And now I know you will never be anymore there.

Like letters written on sand …. washed away after the wave resides back, …only traces of you are left and over the next few waves even those will be washed away.

How so much I try to hold those sands of memory in my hand, I know they will ease out and in the end what is left are those smooth dust….a coarse…. and over the times, I know I will wash away them too.

And when I write this, I already have lost some grip of the sand that I was having in my hand. Just waiting for that final rain. Glistening drops will then wash away all those that was once everything of my life - you.

Memories stay. Linger around the border and then disappear to invisibility.

Some come back. ….And some never.

I promise you will never come back….. And I know you are happy that way.
And that’s all I care – your happiness.

Warm Regards,
B

NB: An alternative twist to a filmy love story. I would love if Mani Ratnam make this a movie :)

2009-12-05T17:46:00.000-08:00

Record broken.

“It says you had hemoptysis, is it true?” He asked with a surprise after seeing me

“If it says that then it must be true. ..by the way what is hemoptysis ?” I asked. It was in the reference medical record, the doctor from other room had sent in, for an expert comment here.

“Oh! ….Vomiting blood.” Said the expert without the light mood I tried to create.

“And it also says you vomited around half a glass?” Expert was now coming to his expertise mode.

“Depends on with what glass you are measuring.” I retorted back.

“If it was a filter-coffee glass – then it was around half else if the glass is of the standard fruit juice mug then I would say a little less than the quarter. But if you were taking any non-tropical fruit juice then….”

“Ok..ok I get it.” Expert was getting impatient.

“Was it fresh blood? “– Expert was not going to leave any stone unturned.

“Since it came from my mouth, I guess it should be fresh”. What a stupid question – I thought.

“No…that’s not what I meant. Was it black?” - Another idiotic-expert question.

“Duh….no it was red – pure wine red, Doctor don’t take them serious I am just another normal guy.” I commented at my friends who always thought I was a bit tad abnormal.

“I understood that by now.” Expert was now taking sides.

“Umm….so whats my problem ?” – I wanted to sound normal.

I don’t see anything…all tests are normal. Expert had made his decision.

“Thank you doctor, see you then.” I was ready to run amok.

“No..Not so fast, since you came and hemoptysis being serious issue we would like to put you under observation” – who the heck said he was an expert!!!

“But I have never been admitted in a hospital, and I don’t want my record to be broken, I promise I would take all the pills that you prescribe. But please please don’t admit” – I was literally on my knees.

He smiled.

Whosever said India is a free country is dead wrong. Where was my right to freedom when I was admitted against my wish? I was given a bed with white-mental-patient attire to wear. Now it is perfect, my friends told – just another psycho treating for some weird psychotic disorder.

But the worst part was yet to come – on my left side, there was a guy admitted for insomnia –INSOMNIA!! Who admits somebody for that? And on my right was a guy who had a surgery in his eye that evening because he forgot to remove his glasses while playing cricket in his hostel corridor and who always said “who is there?” for every sound he heard. For rest of 2 nights I couldn’t sleep because insomniac didn’t want to put off the light and in the day time, I couldnt shut my eyes because of the constant begging from the blind guy.

2009-11-26T13:24:00.001-08:00

Salvation

Is salvation achievable through divinity only?
Or any work done with divinity achieve salvation ?

The program has been running for last 4hrs - using around 20522108 Kb memory and average of 25%CPU and the most important point - its 3 in the morning and i dont know whether its actually working.

I simply do not want to kill it. I do not want to sleep too. I want to see what happens in the end. If and all there is an end.Parallelism is that in life also you dont know what is happening, but you dont leave it there. You live till the end, just to see what will happen.

I checked. Nobody is logged in. They must be dreaming. About? sure about tomorrow.
The model generated on the training data is around 8 GB - so much of data and out of that if somebody had asked me how much i would have created using my "brain" : not even 1 MB.

you know only a little ;vast amount of the rest is unknown. And you have got only one life. Before i salvage myself will i know everything? may be not. How did a machine: man made, find out several times what its inventor couldnt; even though what they knew were all the same!

How do you shutdown a server? killing just my program or a blinking failure message is heart searing act. Server crashed- a lie that can be far from truth. But does it serve the purpose?

Having a purpose in what he does. would that lead to salvation?

Is that the answer Thyagaraja was looking for through this keerthana?

2009-11-22T12:11:00.000-08:00

Black Swan.

Thick friends- thats how they defined three of us.
We came from different parts of country, spoke different languages, had different cultures and were totally different in all sense. I was an introvert, one was an extrovert and sometimes moody and other was an over-extrovert and all non-sense guy.

But somewhere in between there was thread that held us together. And over the years it tightened.

When we bunked the classes we did it together, when we proposed we did together, when we did our internship we did together. 4 years how it passed away, nobody knew. But one thing they all knew was that - we were thick friends.

Final year, we were in Goa. we were there for weeks- a summer internship they called, but the last bash in the college we said. During every evening we went around vasco town and then sober-less nights with full throttle on NFS. Boyish, i would call. During the morning we roamed around the beaches and as usual we bunked after the signing the muster at the software firm.And they said we were too thick.

On final day of the college, I was the last one to go. I was there in that crowded station sending them off. We didnt cry, we came to that city as boys but were going as men. And men dont cry, so they said. But while the train was on the move we said at the top our tongue - "next December in Goa". Before the train went invisible in the horizon, i saw the thumbs up sign.

While in office, there were innumerous forwards, daily there were conference calls and in night online games. But over the time call became a usual 'Hello! how are you' , then email-forwards stopped. And before i realized we were in different continents.

Its been 5 years since that train left the station, and December is here.
Will we meet in Goa ?

2009-11-07T07:08:00.000-08:00

I was thinking of doing something weird........ really weird.
And i have been thinking about this for quite sometime.
All pranks that i did, thought off , planned with others :-came to my mind.

Yes I was naughty.

Sometimes i press the up and down button of the elevator - even if i am not going anywhere in it.
I like to imagine the frustrated looks of the people inside, when it stops in some random floor they didnt even think off. hah! i am blessed!!!!

From the array of cycle stacked jam packed like we-are-friends-forever, in the wee hours i just take a random one of its place and place it in one obscure corner. This is like my first exercise of the day. Every now and then you can see a "lost a cycle" note on the hostel clip board - only to be found that evening by the security just few paces away from where the guy had left yesterday. :D:D!!!!

People gets so irritated for silly things, to the amusement of everybod, like registering in a matrimonial site with your boss's email id - my ex boss still doesnt have a clue why he is been bombarded with "you got a match" mails from Bharatmatrimony daily- my sweet revenge for not letting me go for the weekend movie :D

Leaving behind the long queue and getting on to the front of the ticket counter -as if nobody existed behind you and still hearing no uproar from behind, as hey!! he is just a kid! Those bunked classes during the evening were the most productive :P

Playing in the rain in those white uniform, which my mother always told me to take extra care. I miss dirtying those white canvas shoes in the football matches during 3 minutes break time between periods. Maaannnn those were the matches....

Blessed were those days you could get into the class 10 mins late and forced to sit in the first bench in the girls row. Now only thing left is the no-nonsense attitude and work ethics of professional lecture from your boss, even if you are 2 min late. Phew!!! - growing up is so overrated.

2009-10-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

A conversation…

“I feel tired, a lot of pressure from the top.” My dad complained.

I had called him to have chit-o-chat on the way to my lab and usually my dad is always in light mood. But today was different.

“I feel like quitting”, he sounded disappointed.

“Then do it”. He wouldn’t have expected this from me.

“…And come stay with you over there?” .now he was coming down to usual mood.

“Why not? , I could get a quarters inside the campus” I questioned him back.

“Is it possible ?” Now he was really poking me.

“ ya if I get married, I would be eligible for one ….or it doesn’t matter I can rent an apartment outside”. I played along.

“you getting married?”. My dad was back into action.

“why not ?..” I was curious to know.

“Now a days they don’t have a arranged marriage system here and moreover you don’t have a girlfriend to hope for.” he was digging deep.

“I did have….” I protested.

“But you left her…” he said.

“I had constraints dad “. I retorted back.

“You didn’t have any, in my days I left many because I had so called constraints” he quoted.

“I had a career to go after…” This was getting on to serious mode now.

“Couldn’t the career and love gone together?”. he was not going to leave it.

“Could have….and I realize it now. But then life doesn’t have a retake. I learned it the hard way…Surely I do regret. But can anything be done now? “. I had stopped walking.

“ya …you could …just go after the next girl you see in front” . He was again my cool, hippy dad.

“What???..” . I was laughing out loud.

I started walking again.

Alone.

2009-09-15T05:17:00.000-07:00

31:159.9 Sie

The library was not empty on that Saturday morning. The timing had been extended to 1:00 AM, said a notice on the sidewall to entrance. There were numerous bags and umbrellas lying on the shacks. Security dint allow them to be inside. It was a rule, one he tried so many times to break, but couldn't. He kept the bag in the rack and took his note-taking diary.

He knew what he wanted. It was a book on statistics and he knew the accession number as well as its location number. 31:159.9 Sie. But as this location number was not his turf he had to confirm before going for the search.Usually staff were less on Saturdays. The girl behind the counter was new, he hadnt seen her before.

Good Morning, Can you tell me where 31.1591.9 is ? he asked in a mild tone.
Its behind the reference section, ground floor. she said without even looking at him.
Thank you - he had long decided to be polite to the world which didnt deserve it.

The section behind reference section was the place where all grandpa books sat, it smelled of old dust. Touched and savored by many, most of the books were senile and on their death bed. There were lines of racks extending throughout that long hall. Once they had lot of spaces in between them, But now time and knowledge forced them to be more closer. He started looking for rack 31.There was 29, 30, 32,33....but no location number with 31. He was behind the schedule and wanted to complete a part very urgently. key to which lay in some pages of 31.1591.9 sie.

Sorry, but i cant find rack 31. Can you help me please?. He said to the lady at counter.
After a killing stare, she said: Its there only, you should look carefully.
He missed the usual old librarian, she was very sweet and helping.
He walked back to hall and started searching again. After half an hour of unsuccessful search he went back disdainfully.

It was raining heavily. Two days had passed after the unfaithful tryst. He was groping in the darkness, without 31.1591.9 sie he was not able move forward. Once again he went on his hunt for 31.1591.9 sie.

He was relieved to see the old librarian, sitting with her huge specs and looking at some random issue cards. She smiled at him. He had long noticed ago this, she smiled at everybody. May be world still believed in respect, he thought.

I am not able to find this book - 31.1591.9 sie, he said.
Oh , thats behind the reference section. She came with me to reference section.
Like an adroit swiming in her lanes, she meandered through the racks. After some time, the easeness was lost. She too was like me, confused.

Where is this , it should be somewhere here. she kept saying.
Lets ask Hariram, she said with a disappointment.

Hariram was the oldest serving helper of the library. They saw him in the corner, laggardly chewing the beetle. He just glanced at the piece of paper he showed him. And Like a robot, started walking towards rack 301. Towards the middle, on the lower rack he showed him that precious beauty he was searching for - 31.1591.9 sie, Accession No:18831.

The book was old and was once used very frequently and carelessly.
What is it about?. She took the book from him and started glancing around.

First published in 1960 and last issued in 1984, the year he was born.
But you are not a Psychology student - she exclaimed.
The book deals with statistics and psychology, its one of the latest holy grail of Computer science. He said with a smile, looking at the other books in that column.

Somebody from the main desk called for the librarian and she walked back with the book in her hand. Hariram had long gone to his cozy enclave.

And he was still standing there, gleaming at the other books he could reach for.

2009-09-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

Matheran Trek

5 in the morning. And I was still awake in my bed.

That’s when, from the remotest corner, I heard that. Go to Matheran.

Matheran is a hill station, about 60 km away from Mumbai. One of the best things about this place is its red soil. Discovered by British and used by them during the dry summers during the pre-independent era as a summer vacation home, it is one of the finest trekking hot spot in Maharashtra.

Since all of my friends were busy dreaming, I thought why not make this trip all alone. And so I packed my backpack and hit on the road in no time.

My immediate destination after getting down at a station called Karjat was Borgaon, a village on the foothills of Matheran. There are 8 known trekking path to Matheran, and one through the Borgaon was the most picturesque and little steeper than the rest.

There was slight drizzle when I started the ascend; it was almost 10 km trek along the hill. Being alone has its own advantage, there is nobody to slow you or pace you up. The trail was a beaten one, I guess it was regularly used by the villagers.

The climb was little unique , I felt like walking along the spine of large dinosaur. On either side of ridge, there was nothing to hold on if I had slipped. But the view – it was fantastical.

About a Km ahead I could see a group of people ascending the hill, I was wondering how they could climb that steep. They must have lost their way, I thought. After walking for another hour I realized I was wrong. It was a small stream and I was climbing it ….straight up.

There was an instance during where I doubted my steps. My shoes was not a proper trekking one, wee hours I had didn’t fore think this part. I did slip before reaching summit; luckily I got hold of a branch before falling down….felt very good, cheating death.

Matheran is basically a plateau and there are different tourist spot there itself. The place I came to was called one tree point. It was called so, because on ascend to summit, where except for a tree, there is nothing.

Apart from the climb, it was just another tourist hot spot. The same old malign commercial web was crawling around. Before the sun went home, I took my descend. This time it was more fun. I took the road, off course walking.

It was a winding road for almost 10 Km, and as I didn’t have had the patience to take all the hare pins I slipped through cross road thinking it was a short cut. I soon realized I had lost my way. It was getting dark and there was some kind of trail and I just followed them blindly. After about an hour and a half I reached a place called Narul. And from there I took a train back.
At around 10 in the night, I was back in the campus.

2009-08-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

Google and Me

Google. I have realized that I cannot live without it.

Not a single day goes without going to this site. In fact I believe I access this very site every 10 minutes of my present day life. What I search ? Pretty much everything. News, articles, blogs, and anything interesting and anything that I didn’t know.

I remember the first time when I searched in Google – it was darn slow. Though don’t remember what that search was for. Although I guess it was for porn :P

But I do remember what the last search was for – conversational maxims. And today was the day in which I had used it to the limit – every other word in the article I am reading is new, who coins the word like conversational implicature, systemicity and compositionality. Thanks to Brin and Page for giving Google, she, (yap it’s a female), had the answer for everything (muah!!).

I sometimes thing why not have a Google API infused into our brain, at least we can stop using our eyes to track the result of the search. Yes, I know my daughter, ya it will be a daughter, will be using the same.

Sometime back, I had dedicated one day entirely to Google – know all-about-Google day. And it was then I learned about Stanford story, the first data store, the page rank , the HITS ,teleport vector, rank convergence, the crawling , the SEO industry, Ad sense and almost everything related to Google and just today about Caffeine too . I realized that it’s like a giant spider which had data about everybody on this planet. Just imagine a day when Google just crashes. It would be worse than a 1000 catastrophe hitting the mankind together.

After writing the above line, I just wonder, should we allow this? I say NO!. I don’t want to be a slave of anybody. This is what I would call a digital slavery. A technical blasphemy that is slowly killing mankind’s ability to think in a comprehensive pragmatic manner with patience. It’s nothing but making the whole world follow a pattern subjecting to dictation of a chosen few. We are at mercy of a mammoth machine to know what we want. And god knows whether it’s really showing us everything that we need.

I forgot the last time I took a book to find the word that I needed to find. Earlier when I look for a word I used to find another 10 words adjacent to it in a dictionary. Now the did you mean………. is just killing my vocabulary.

I need to stop. And so I have decided to stop using Google (for a day :)), starting from now.

So the word was conversational maxims….where the heck is index for this book!!!!

pic curtsy: http://www.ecofriendlyinternship.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/evil-google-logo.jpg

2009-08-12T10:46:00.001-07:00

No name.

Kasargod, a small town in north Kerala, was my destination. And I wanted to be there at exactly in between 4 and 5. PM. In theory, the light during that time is the best: it’s soft, dense and so full of life. I wished for one more thing; to have a rain while I was there. So my overall wish was to see Bekal fort in the evening with a slight drizzle.

And if the dream was realized, I promised myself photos which captured my caption – loneliness and me.

I was not alone. But then there was nobody with me also.

And nuisance of English language is that even though pragmatics allowed many words that I could coin out, semantics restated that it would be just lonely.

As soon I stepped into the fort, it started drizzling, as if welcoming me.

The fort transpired another side of it, from being bastion of defense; it showed me its tender side of veiled love and serenity. If there was anything that I could describe as beautiful, it was that.

My camera clicked from the moment I entered, effortlessly and incessantly. One after the other frame of the same story was written and re written in those clicks. There were families, friends, couples, and kids. They had come Sunday outing, to bask in the sun and then to have bath in the sea. I wish I too hadn’t come alone. But then I wouldn’t have been happy otherwise too. A companion, my friend had once told me, was there to talk about things which would seem silly but later on is what you would judge as life.

I climbed to one of the old outpost overlooking the sea, and sat there. Behind me, I heard laughter of some happy couple. Even though it was my first trip there, countless dreams of me picturing just the way I was, came flashing to me.

I smiled. May be this is my life.

2009-07-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

Something new....

I sing.

But not outside my bathroom.

Don't know how could i do it in a sober state. But the damage is already done.

A new mess up :)

Pathira Mazha etho | Online recorder

2009-07-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know.

“And what would you say when the same dream comes to you, repeatedly day after day, for 8 years” he sounded desperate.

And desperate was he.

“May you yourself created that obsession, until it got embossed somewhere in your sub conscious that she is the one”. She said from the other end of the phone.

“May be I created, but somewhere there was this belief that I was right, because not everything is logical and cannot be explained.”, He wanted to say it loud, but somewhere in his throat, that voice caught trapped and it never came out.

“I need to go, its getting late”. He wanted to avoid this conversation, as usual.

“Ok, then…. good night, take care.” She too had enough of it.

There were numerous things he failed to understand. Or rather he didn’t want to be understood.

During all these failures, he was acting according to the norms and pragmatics. But, nevertheless, it....... failed.

And that’s when he learned logic doesn't always gives you an explanation of about what’s happening. The more he tried to decipher it, the more muddled it became.

And that’s when he started believing it. Just like that. And he knew that its quite an impossible task to make somebody understand what one believes in. Only thing he can show them is how to live through it. And yes, he had to live through it, because only he believes in it.

PS:I know ...it sucks !!!

pic Courtsey:Bakfire

2009-05-21T11:47:00.001-07:00

Review

Sid...what do you think...?, would you accept this paper or not? . Prof was curious to know.

And there stopped his heart. "Yes. I would." He said hesitantly.

"Why? ". Prof was curious again.
"It had a better result than the baseline, and idea xyz was indeed a stroke of genius". He didnt know from where these words were coming.

For that last comment, all 28 pair of eyes of young and old researchers turned towards him. He melted in that last row seat....like a wax.

He was happy to go unnoticed in these meeting in last seat, until that moment, when his Prof thought he was sleeping during that lecture. Prof was discussing about a research paper that came for review under his panel and he wanted to know what they thought about it.

" I agree". His prof never expected this from the last bencher.
He looked over his shoulders and beamed.

Then prof went to on to another paper. This time he was up with my ears standing, he could even hear the sound of the vibrator of his friend's phone, who was sitting two- row-in-his-front.

After the discussion, again the same question.

"I dint fully understood it sir. "He said with all his innocence.

Prof nodded and He had won that round.

Most of the people around said most of the contend went above their head.

The one hour weekly session got over very quickly before anybody could find a time to yawn...except him. And everybody started to leave except for few whose doubt wouldnt be cleared in their life time. Like bees buzzing around the hive, they surrounded the prof.

He waited till all the commotion was over.

"Sir"..... "yes".

"Did you accept that first paper". He asked him.

He smiled and said that he did. He too was happy,but didnt know for what ...may be some kind of hidden sense of achievement.

As he was leaving, prof added "I too didnt understood that second paper when i read it for the first time" . This time his joy was all over his face.

He decided not sit in that last bench anymore.

2009-05-16T05:15:00.000-07:00

What if....

What if god made only one woman for your life.

What if you met that woman one day.

What if you understood it was her.

What if you loved her so much that you didn't know how to express it.

What if one day she said good bye and left you.

What if you thought she would come back one day.

What if you waited so long that everybody thought you were going insane.

What if one day you knew she would never come back.

What if ....

picture courtesy:Mike

2009-05-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

Totally misunderstood!

You cut my call???? she fumed.
Do you what it means when a guy hangs a girl's phone?? I was speechless on the other side.

I....sorry....am......I ...dddint...meanttt...you ...knnnowww..

And mind your language when talking to a girl !! how can you use such a derogatory language....
do you know what it means...it means good for nothing. Am I something like that ???" Now I was sweating inside that air conditioned room.

when did i use any word like that??? - I was racking my skull.

You better change your talking style Mr, grow up!!! The mercury had crossed normal limits long a ago.

And without saying anything more she just hanged the phone.

I was trying to comprehend what had just happened. After a minute or two I regained my conscious self.

"What did i do?" just like any other guy's thought. Gals - do we really belong to same species?

2009-04-07T09:03:00.000-07:00

Broken Promises.

Promises are meant to be broken. And he broke one again.

He called her.

May be he shouldn't have called, but he had to hear that voice one last time, before she was somebody else.

He didn't had to remember the number, only forgotten needs to be remembered.

As the ring went on the other side, he prayed that she never pick it up, because whatever he prayed for.... never happened.

Her voice hadn't changed, he could see those lines across the lips while saying that,he didnt have to see her, for she was always there.

"Hello!" he said, he didn't quiver.

"Do you recognize me?" what an absurd question!!

After a brief pause " is it Sid?" she asked.

He started counting the years..... 4 in this May and still she remembers,........ and all these years he thought only he didn't forget.

2009-03-22T00:45:00.000-07:00

A new beginning..

It was raining on that day. And it was raining after a long dry spell. The smell of the warm earth washing away its aridness was ecstatic. I was sitting near the window with a coffee in my hand. The power had gone and the sound of thousands of droplets falling was carving a soothing music. I loved rain very much. Back at home, I used to watch it for hours from my easy chair. I saw different patterns of rivulets in making as quickly as it washed away. And harmonic acoustics that played in between sometime made me a conductor, during that time I was the Mozart and I was the Beethoven. Sometimes tiny bits of moisture made its way onto my face, like as if we were playing hide and seek. Years later when I bought my first bike, rain was another experience. Then we played robber and police, from far behind, through my rear view mirror I could see it coming. I would accelerate to beat it and may win for a few streets but eventually it would catch me. And I still remember, it would rain on the day I would have washed my bike, making it all muddy again. Ha ha ha I miss my bike and I miss the rain that made it muddy. But there was time when I hated rain, when I would curse with all the foul words that I knew against it. Those were days when I hated white colour too, on Wednesdays we had this physical training classes where it was compulsory to wear all white – I hated Wednesday too then. Like an uninvited guest, rain would come from the north and make my dress all spoiled, later that day my mother would be bashing me up for no cause of mine. But over the years I developed a relation with the rain which howsoever large umbrella tried to stop, waned into nothingness. And one among the few things I always dream is driving alone along a high Tropical Mountain in the company of a drizzle and stopping near road side shack for having a hot cup of tea. I loved that rain as it always takes me to my utopia.

But somehow the rain in front of me was different, it was not dancing to some tune made in heaven , it was as if pouring down just to wash away the dryness and make the earth ready for next harvest. Not far from my window there is a giant tree and during spring it used to bear beautiful yellow flowers. The tree was so huge that I never thought I could miss it at any time of the day. But in this rain I tried hard to see it, but I couldn’t. Infact I couldn’t see anything beyond five feet.

Maybe it rained for hours, when I woke up my coffee was cold. And not very far I could see that giant tree. But everything had changed; there was freshness which had avoided the place long time ago. Power had come back, I had forgotten to switch of the television and weatherman saying about slight chances of a drizzle that evening.

2009-02-18T18:12:00.000-08:00

And I forgot.

There are decisions that make you think after years later.
And that time, you would say "I wish I hadn't...".
Life gives you many like that, but it just moves on ....to make a retrospection some time ahead.
Only common thing i find are the retrospection that we make from time to time, Whether it was right or wrong - it doesn't matter at all.

And right now, I am not taking a peep into the past, but into the future. To know if i would subject this decision for retrospection years later.......and i conclude that I would. And whatever the decision, i believe only time could tell if it was right or wrong. And even if it was right, my mind would definitely looking for a better right then....after all, I am a mere human.

Never to remember, forgotten she will be...from this moment.
Chapters of years to come, written with tears of yester...starts now.
Life been never easy, and easy doesn't i assume further.....just moving ahead.
But forgotten she should be, lest i remember her always....
To sleep I am going, with dreams for sure.....but not her though.

2009-02-15T18:35:00.001-08:00

zeros and my life.

Drowsy look, almost bald head, bulging eyes, dark circle and to compliment all these - stinking,dirty white shirt. The picture you get: a highly intelligent and nerdy studyaholic

But alas except for such a look on some days, I am no where near those last said adjectives.

Take 1: Pattern recognition Mid semester exam.

Only during exam I enter the lecture hall before time.Reason: to get those precious "safe zones" for sitting. But alas some crooks also thinks like me and there I was on the first bench!

Prof. come in with the holy grail, and distribute one drop in the most judicious way so as to save institute and his household a penny or more.
what?? was this in the syllabus, ...syllabus- there is nothing like that over here. Aha! I know the second one - but sh*t i forgot to bring the calculator. 3rd ,4th -the question itself is page long, i wonder how long would the answer be!!!....at least i should do the last question - what in the world is the projection of perpendicular to a hyperplane got to do with the margin of SVM(non techies:support vector machines, and no they are not machines! another computer naming gimmick )?????
The exam was out of 15 marks and I had to complete in one hour: well if did know how to complete those problems in one hour i would never have been here in the first place!

And before I could think(imagine!) one hour was over. If I was STUDYING the same subject it would have felt like I was sitting for hours even if it was few minutes, but during exam time its the inverse proportionality that runs!!!!

I never had a blank paper (off course everybody can lie and in gates of heaven, i know, he will forgive me for telling one more!).Prof gave me a stare after seeing my paper - I was ashed down and cremated to eternity then and there.

Thus came my FIRST zero(lord pardon me for this one too!)

Take 2: web mining and information retrieval Mid semester exam.

Mother called me in the morning to tell me that i am having a bad time according to my horoscope.She paid 250bucks for knowing that from an astrologer. Well I knew it two days before itself. Only thing to know was how bad it will get.

After a break of 2 days I was all pumped up(to run away!) for this exam.
Everybody said the paper would be nothing but probability and vector calculus, sounds interesting eh? (in a loud speaker:HELP!!!!!) . And to avoid mental blocks when you see that sign of nemesis (pr()- read probability of) you need to be calm and composed - well that was the advice from well pundits of this field. So conclusion was that to watch as many new releases possible and roam around the campus without taking a peek into at least the basic syllabus.
But things weren't that easy...How to make yourself composed when you are bombarded with poisoned arrow that corrupts your mind in believing just one possibility among N propositions - again probability theory .

When prof gave me the question ...uh question-cum-answer sheet i was surprised to see a THINKS TO READ stuff before the questions started.

1. Answers(if solved of course) should be given in the space provided
2. incoherent or illogical answer(if anything comes into ur woody brain!) will be penalized with negative credit and worse than not answering(you said you take it!)
3. Dont ask for extra rough sheet, given is sufficient(well i write in large font)

After threat and warnings I looked the black board. There was a caution " question are in approx easy first order". well that would save some time.

so I don't have to start from the last question as i do(Lord forgive me for that one!)

Question 1: is that english ? what language is that ? sure there is spelling or font mistake!! If this is the case for first question , god save me from massacre!
Question 2: contains 5 sub questions with each next pointing to the answer from the previous question - clever i would say. damn doesn't he want to answer any of these questions????
Question 3,4,5 - I didn't know any!

The more i tried to concentrate, i became all the more confused. The probability of choosing correct probability was thinning down with high probability!! And the only probability left to calculate after 2 hours was whether i would be getting a zero or a negative mark. But aint I smart ? I didn't answer any of them- phew! saved the shame of getting a negative mark(I swear I haven't got a negative mark in my whole life so far!!!)

Just when I thought 2 hrs is finally going to be over. Prof says in a stentorian voice " I know the paper was tough, so here is your bonus - you can take 90 more minutes." Oh man! the paper is seriously tough and damn I need to sit here for another one and half hours more.

So I sat and counted seconds inside those one and half hours dreaming about my upcoming zero.

Take 3: Now dont tell me I will be getting one more of that wonderful ancient Indian masterpiece !! Damn the one who invented zero, no wonder nobody knows him...after all he has been cursed so many times !

2008-12-29T04:28:00.000-08:00

2008: Something to forget....

All the things that you did, or wished to do.
All the things that you remembered, or remembered to forget.
All the things that changed, or changed to change.

I wish I was just a mere drop in the rivulet that fell from high above into the eternity below. To be with you again is my wish and so couldn't I in that year.

In the hope of meeting you starts a new year and year after year I cherish the same new year resolution : to be with you, to walk on our breezy beach, to see the sunset once again.

Melancholy night asked me not to dream, because dreams, she says, are for the ones who has lost hope. But here i am, waiting to see you again as ever as last year and may be the next .......until that day.

Paradox it may be but moment after moment I remember you lest I forget you. And when I meet you I will have stories to tell you.

Oh 2009 , I look forward for you.

My inspiration: a lovely piece of music

2008-12-10T02:08:00.000-08:00

Once again...

Sand walls with its air of misty musk welcomed him again.

The gharana hadn’t changed a bit, but there was no resounding voice of khansahib to greet him this time, instead his old mellowed tampura was there. Besides it was a lamp that sometimes flickered by the unannounced gentle breeze that came through the veranda. “Have some chai” tai said in her usual caring tone from behind. She made the best chai he ever had, after every hour khansahib used to call tai for a chai and she, like an obedient wife, would get him one within minutes, whether it be dawn or midnight. Sometime he too used to get a cup. He missed those days…dearly.

Bhoop, Bihagda ,Bhairavi …..khayals, taans ….whatever khansahib taught him flashed like it was yesterday. He missed them, and khansahib loss was something irreparable to him.He didnt know what , but there was void, Just like as if furniture had been taken away from your home. He remembered the first time when his mother forcefully carried him all the way from cricket ground to this courtyard. He detested it and in fact had cursed his mother and khansahib endless time in his mind.

But that was long ago, somewhere in between there was a time when he would even bunk school to be with Khansahib. He still vividly remembered his first live performance, behind khansahib on tempura after his splendid discourse, it was his turn. He started off in purvi raga although there was flattening at the first he thought it went well, until after coming from the concert, when khansahib made him sing the raga for more than 4 hours at a stretch. Somewhere in between, with all those thousand compromises he made with life, Music was also unconditionally left out.

After spending another one hour there he prepared to leave, when tai gave him a present. It was small dilapidated note book. “He wanted you to have it” tai said. It was his music notes, some composition, drupads from his master. He eyes swelled with tears, without saying a goodbye to tai he walked away.It was already getting dark, and from behind, he thought he heard a faint sound of a tampura. He stopped and turned back. Tai waved him good bye.

Reference: Namita Devidayal ,The music room

2008-12-04T10:22:00.001-08:00

I will retaliate

This is my country. It is my duty to protect her and yet again I failed. I don’t blame anybody, I don’t blame the politicians, I don’t blame the intelligence and I don’t blame the system. I blame myself. It was my failure to protect her, it was my inability rather it was my complacency that gave away her this time.

But let me assure you, if you are reading this, let the message be clear. I don’t want to see anymore blood stained roads, I don’t want to see anymore charred bodies, I don’t want to see anymore wailing of my mothers and sisters. I don’t want to see all this anymore.
Time for being laid back and switching the channels and consoling myself that it’s not me out there who lost his life is over.

Remember we too are human, the limit of patience that I have is same as yours and its same adrenaline that pumps my temper. Deep down there is something even I don’t like to see. Now, time for you to choose is over and it’s my turn. And If choose, god forbid, that ugly face over diplomacy there won’t be no tomorrow for you.

I promise that.

So stop messing with my nation and get the bloody FUCK out of my country.

Jai Hind!

2008-11-27T08:20:00.000-08:00

A dedication

Memories are wonderful things if you don’t have to deal with the past.

Dedicated to my memories......sweet and bitter.

Falling leaves of December,

May I ask if you permit?

While you are not here,

Where ll be the shade I am in.

Falling leaves of December,

May I know where you are going?

In that distant horizon, carried by misty breeze,

Who will be there with me when you are gone?

Falling leaves of December,

Leave me not, for I ll be all alone.

Falling leaves of December,

Leave me not, for there are none but you.

2008-11-06T03:13:00.000-08:00

Another mistake....

4 years had passed since we last met.

I was tensed. My heart was pumping in a rhythm that showed the unrest in me, yes I wanted to see her but was unaware how she would take it.

Destiny played it best to avert such a meeting, but somewhere, with a golden pen it was already written and whatever the forces that tried to ebb it away… failed.

In that corridor, in the midst of pain and anguish, I saw her.
In that divine white coat, she was an angel for everybody in pain …..And for me too.

Countless neurons calculated and recalculated the next decision…turn and walk away.

Before by reflexes could get accustomed and agree to it, she saw me.

From the midst of aching and wailing bodies, she waved me to wait, with that ever intriguing smile.

I nodded, even before I could think.
…………………………………………………………….

May she would have come to the end of that long corridor, to find the empty white bench.

Life had many mistakes; I had added one more to it then.

2008-11-02T02:19:00.000-08:00

Unanswered...

Someday, yes... , someday I will meet her.

Then too, I will be having the same question as of today.

By then, May be I would be a little slow but surely, I would articulate in a better way.

I would have phrased and rephrased it a thousand times in mind by then,huh…just like what I am doing right now.

And yes, I would have a little hesitation that would be there if she was in front of me right now, right here.

I know it would be late …but then life, as somebody rightfully said, is just memories. Along with myriads of them, this would be just another one.

Every day I get up with a hope that today would be day and every night, before going to sleep I hope it would be tomorrow.

I know what she would say,….. just another lie .

And I know what I would do then…..simply turn around and walk away.

But when I meet her, I need to ask her that.

2008-11-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

A Tribute to Tagore

I write about the personal and my alter life in my blog, but this time I simply wanted to put something that i stumbled upon.

Stream of Life

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth in numberless blades of grass and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life. And my pride is from the lifethrob of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

Hats off to the great poet!!!!!
This is what prompted me :->Here you go

2008-10-10T02:21:00.000-07:00

Huh!

I don’t understand many things in life. I don’t learn many things from my life. Moreover I don’t learn from my mistakes. Yet I am complete …but in an incomplete way. I know what is wrong …but sometimes doesn’t see what is right. I see everything …yet I fail to see subtle nothings.

I am just living…but in a utopia. I know the rules ….but a different set govern me. I succeed in most of my endeavors …yet I am hiding. I am here yet running …..To somewhere….to where? I don’t know.

I am in love, I was in love…. and painfully I realized I will be in love forever, because I don’t know what love is. To forget somebody who always comes as mist of remembrance, is it possible? I don’t know, yet I know that I will never know. I don’t where she is or what she is doing, She even doesn’t know my existence yet I love her from bottom of my heart…truly, madly ,deeply.

I am sane but sanity is the very same insanity that drives me. I not crazy, yet acts like no normal. I believe things which others reject as axioms which cannot be substantiated. I am confused, yet what I do is right, People cannot call that luck because fortune never blesses the damned.

I enjoy life, every moment… Yet feels it empty.

I am waiting ….waiting, may be forever…for what? I don’t know.

2008-08-15T06:23:00.000-07:00

Cynicistic Paradox

Its 9:40 in the night.16 pairs of eyes were looking at the doorway.
Professor is late . late by 10 min. It not unusual, but a day before independence day and that too in the night for a class that's going to stretch for the next,if unfortunate, one and half hours, it is a close call of limits.

They were not disappointed.

Like a storming wind he barged in . Plugged in the lap top and the show began.

Straight on the board. "If we fail to prove something then Negation of that something is assumed to be true"

"I want you all to analyse this statement and come up with the meaning " . he asked in a low whisper like voice.

He wondered whether it was really a technical course or some course of psychology that he was attending.

"Are the resources introduced into subject of being failed" somebody from the left of him asked.
"What???" his stomach started to roll, what did he mean...

"You are provided with infinite time and space for the quest." He answered while cleaning his black rimmed spectacles.

"What is the idea of being true? I mean how do you judge what is true" .
"Vidyut, truth is the deduction based on the facts" professor said with a wink.

"In the absence of any evidence to the contrary a proposition is assumed to be true".
somebody from the back row shouted.

Bingo! he said with his usual tinker of both index fingers.

"So what does that prove....?"

But sir..." came a low husky kind of voice , with a low confident note from the right corner.

"yes...". professor was getting impatient.

"I think that sentence itself is contradicting"

everybody turned back.
"another nerd" he thought.

"And how it may be .." Prof was curious.
"because if we fail to prove something , for negation of that something to be true ...it should be false for that something." He said with an air of supremacy.

The class dropped into pin drop silence.

The professor just stared into the board. You could hear the ululation of the fan.

2008-07-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

Always....

Days, months, years have passed. But like a flashes of a bygone time, she comes to me.
Sometime with her smiles, sometime with her eyes .....and sometimes with those last words.

I try to forget but always remember.

From my window ,I look at the Powai Lake, With a full moon lighting HN at the other horizon and creating a thousand colors in the water , I try to forget her. But she comes again.
"is she the one walking on the other side among those millions that i see as dots running back to their homes."

Mistakes, I believe biggest mistake is the one when you don't realise you have made a mistake.
And the worst suffering , is to live through the life after knowing that mistake.

The silence of the night is singing its soothing lullaby, but i cannot sleep today.
And yet again she is smiling at me.

2008-06-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew

Don’t know when I started noticing you.

May be in the lab, between colored liquids that had not so romantic names.

May be during the breaks.. , that were too small for me to know you.May be during the tour, where I had already gone but came for some reason….which still I don’t know.

May be during the hot and stifling examination room with you in my front..

After all these years, I just can’t stop noticing you, even though you told me not to.

In the new unturned pages of new book, where I thought lady in the long frock with white umbrella walking along the rustic road were you…..

While walking through the beach, I so hoped that girl with long curly hair walking far in front of me was you…

Sipping the brewed coffee in the restaurant, those tingling voice with hushed laughter from behind, I thought were yours.

For every door opened, while singing in the karaoke bar, I was anxious to see your gleaming smile.

May be in the time to come I will try stop noticing you around me.

But if you ask me I still don’t know when I started noticing you.

2008-06-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

Perception.

You meet somebody and you sketch a character of him.

Sometime in the first meeting you understand him, sometimes... a life time is not enough.

You percieve ,You analyse and you infer.

But you are wrong. your eyes decieve you.

Vision ...a pure chemical logic placed in you just to decieve you.....from being rationale, from being pragmatic, from being right.

You fail....but you dont learn.

And next time, they decieve again.

2008-04-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

Reborn~

I love the myth about Phoenix.
Rising from ashes, to undo all the mistakes of previous life.
Moreover its a new life with a purpose that was left incomplete in the previous life.

I can die a thousands times to meet my destiny.

But will I be reborn ?

The answer came in a mail.
I patiently waited for the mail to open. I was expecting it with those heart breaking
news carved in stylish italics. "We are sorry to inform you that your application for MS in Computer science has been declined......"

My eyes scanned for those preconceived lines.I read it twice,....I thought i was hallucinating.

Happiness is not just a word but an elation that words can seldom describe. I realised then.

"We are happy to inform you that your application for MS in computer Science has been accepted....."
I was reborn again,.... from the ashes.

2008-03-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

Senility plus one

24 years of life and he looks back, the life seems still the same. In a few years his black hair would get whitened. And sometimes who knows, there might be no hair left at all. Senility is spreading its ugly grin across his innocent face and people mistake it for his maturity.

To an out of rhyme ‘happy birthday to you’, he put off the candles…without making the wish. He already had the dream, now it’s not just a wish. It’s a want. Layers of chocolate paved way to either side as he steadily sunk the cleft knife to down below. Yes everything was moving away for his dream and for the first time he saw clearly what’s going to happen…. Without any haze, without any ambiguity.

Some traditions are never broken. They sustain the test of time and pulls back an era you would never want to forget. GPL , the customary bum kick is one that no birthday celebration in a college can’t do without. But years after the college it stayed with him. He pleaded like an innocent but alas those wails didn’t have any effect on his marauders. Without mercy, they beat and in the end they reasoned it was all love. Yes, love was always painful.

One more year of senility added. Change was happening, but the rate was slow. People around him didn’t see the transformation. But he knew he had changed. His coming years are never going to be the same, never going to be easy. And he didn’t want them easy because if it’s easy what’s the fun. He smiled at himself and in gleeful tone wished him a ‘happy birthday’.

2008-03-16T11:34:00.000-07:00

My Third eye.

I wanted to be a troubadour and sing the glory of the memories that snapped passed through my eyes. I want to stop it being just memories. I want to capture them all. And whenever I look them back I should get that vividness when I first saw or felt them.
I try to capture them, and most of the times I end up chasing something that was so near yet so far. On that day, I was half an hour late. I wanted to capture the lake in shades of orange and pale yellow. But I was late… as usual. Watchman said they have closed for day. He said that to me. I pretended not to hear that. I was deaf for second or two. The light was residing fast and I knew after an hour or so even this scenery that imprinted on memory would be washed out. Carving out a memory to bits and bytes is now my new hobby. And when people say I am not that good makes me all the more to copy the nature with my third eye. Theoretically I know everything the rule of the third, the mid tone intensity, the long exposure idea, Multi timing flash – you name it, I would be having it in my head. But when it comes to connect them with my camera, I fail to do the justice.
I go for my kill. The sky is neither orange nor pale yellow as I thought it would be, nor is it a clear blue. Nature has beaten me. But this time I am in no mood to accept the defeat. I start my first shot standing, next one sitting, and the next hanging and so on…until I get the picture I wanted. I check out how my new venture has come up. Bad..or rather I would say “oh my god!!”. I check out how my friend is doing. He got interested in photography after he saw me going through all my theory. He wanted a break from my mouth. His snaps are nice…some are good…really good.
After my dismal failure, I decided to go back. But I know I would come back, because it’s so beautiful and moreover it was very elusive too.
After a week I went back to same place and captured the beauty everybody would love to watch all over again. And this time too, it didn’t fail to get my attention.

2008-02-23T12:10:00.000-08:00

A valentine memoir

Friend?, a classification that didn’t fit her. And when, suddenly, the old memories come as a phone call, you panic as if it’s going to change. For a voice that casted the binding spell in my heart, it didn’t require a second to realize it was her.

How did I know it was you? You were always there with me.

Men don’t cry, they say, but for tears that didn’t come then.. didn’t know it was the same me.

And with years and distance apart, for a folly that was once done, I realize she is not in my arms to say ‘I love you’.

PS: I got the idea from poornima's post 'Do you know how long longing can be? '

2008-02-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

The paradox.

I started wearing coolers. The dark ones, you know, which covers your eyes completely. I can see everybody but nobody can see me. They don’t see my eyes and eyes tell stories, Stories that I don’t want the world to see.
When they see me, I smile. I want them to happy, we go to places, pull each other’s leg, sometime quarrel and then reconcile. Behind the dark coolers, unknown from them I search her. Just a last glance that’s all I need. They ask me to sing, a line or two from yester years. In sweet remembrance of her smile i sing. They applaud, I smile again. One more they say, I ask which one. The one in which she departs is what they want, for the music that soothes their ears I sing those tearing lyrics. And when the music dies away, they clap again, I say thank you .
While on the beach, everybody is off with their better half. For a moment, that feeling of loneliness creeps to me. I want to be with her, and watch this glorious sunset. Salty sea breeze wakes me gently from my dreamy dream. They are coming back, one by one. I say I do not want to come to beach if the they are going to treat me this way. You don’t need to be alone, they say. They make fun of me for being alone and sitting with another friend, who is a guy, and watch the sunset. I laugh at them, and walk towards the sea to have a game with her. Others follow, we fight, throw each other so that waves can catch us. After much shouts and hooliganism we leave her to rest.
With wet foot covered in sand we watch movie in the hall. I check the seat to my left, there is nobody. I check to my right, there is everybody! Am I in the center? Or am I just left out. They call me, compares me with the hero. The movie doesn’t have a heroin. I smile at them. And when the end comes, I see a tear or two in few. They say it was a good movie. I smile again.

2007-12-31T13:06:00.000-08:00

Travelogue of a vagabond.

Its almost 3 in the morning and i am not feeling sleepy. So here goes my travelogue for the Allahabad.

A journey to delve into past and dig up that would take me to future that was the motive of this present trip.

Some say all you need is money to travel, the rest would be taken care by the same. I always believed the same. But this time I planned unlike anything else I have done before, I planned this voyage. All the tickets booked prior, in fact well before the last moment. Northern plains of ganges were shivering , so I got myself 2 blazers from friends. I phoned the professors got myself appointment . Then I send them the letter , the format, the resume everything that suffix for the objective of journey to be successful : to get the letter of recommendation from the best professors in the best format. Then I had called my juniors for getting a place to bunk . And so the journey was to be fruitful, if everything went fine…of course.

The cab came at the right time to pick me to Chennai airport. Kamaraj airport was busy as usual, I checked for any good looking ladies, none. Thank you Chennai. I got my boarding pass and went to the security check. My baggy pants with innumerous pockets made the security guard think I was a terrorist . Apparently it was on the eve of Dec 06. And all the airport across the country was on high alert. But nevertheless, the lackadaisical approach of the Indian police force was omnipresent. The guard just checked the left part of my body, I was free to go in with anything in my right pocket. Too much of security!

The ageing fleet of Air Deccan sometimes gives you a shudder across your spines when you put the first step on it.But then on that day , I never had a faintest belief that I would be another Icarus. Even before I could get a good nap in the plane, it landed in Indira Gandhi international airport.

Delhi, the powerhouse of india, had changed from what I saw three years back. A glossy metropolitan look that awed everybody, welcomed me with a cozy chillness . With flyovers that criss crossed, with cars that you could never afford , with building that roared at sky, Delhi was majestic as it was always. I took a pre paid taxi and went to station. Pahar Ganj in purana delhi was still the same, as if the god just winked his eyes when he crossed this area while horning his artistic skills. This was the place where you found the actual india, the india of bhaiyaas who don’t know how to read, how to feed their children their daily bread, who were despised without any pettiness. I tried to remember the last time here, with anish and arun. Those were the best days which are never to return. Inside the train , it was easy for me to doze off. The secret of getting a fast sleep is simple – just take a book that’s damn boring.

In winter, even Laloo can’t make the train run on time. After the first cycle of my sleep, I slowly opened my eyes to see the same old delhi station. It was 1:00 AM in the morning and I haven’t moved an inch towards “abode of god” aka Allahabad. These are the moments when you feel why you had to take all these pains. But then no pain ,no gain. Memories of old journeys began to peek into my semi conscious mind, the first time with sudeep and haris , another time when we nearly lost the connection train, when we travelled without ticket, when Eunice took arun’s cards and threw them away…..those time, will they come again? . I tried my level best to sleep, I took the book and again started reading. At around the hour of devil I finally succumbed to angel of sleep.

North Indians are early risers, so at 10:00 Am morning everybody was busy snoring under their quilt. I looked out for the station.. Kanpur. Another three more hour and I will be there once again, may be for the last time. Kanpur is one of the dirtiest city I ever seen. There is nothing to admire here except the IIT. It was a dream come true when I first stepped into this green campus. And we were there for three days. This is where we the underdogs pulled our sleeves and bet almost 50 colleges in northern india to get ourselves a 2nd place in Antaragni. I still remember that hall in which I along with sudeep, 2 mallus stopping the heart beats of all hindi speakers in the last minute and getting on to final Hindi dumb charades competition. Those were days, when you don’t know whats going to happen the next minute still success comes in the end, somehow . The train started to move slowly. I didn’t remember whether my college would pass through this track. No,it comes when you come from Banaras side. The last time when we went to Banaras, we pulled the train on the way back to get down in the college instead of the station.

Allahabad – pretty much the same. The same old crowded station, babus chewing beetal leaves and expectorating everywhere, the frail hapless looking rickshawwalas . I took a rickshaw, he asked 15 rs to govindpur, I didn’t argue for the first time. I was earning now, and no longer I am carrying my pop’s money. On the way, before crossing the civil lanes, I checked out for the old Tibetan winter market. No, they hadn’t come, instead a lot of new Indian traders had taken their place. Strange, they too have been disposed, like me. Somebody new had taken their place, just like my rooms would be occupied by somebody. We reached telarganj in no time, I was shocked when I saw the new gate of the campus. The old one had been better. But then change is a must . Inside it was better, the roads were tarred and garden renovated, a new administration block in the shape of I don’t know what.The change was evident. It was already 1:00 PM, the final years would be having an exam at 2. I could see few students busily going to exam halls. I laughed, I knew why they were going this early. If destiny permits they will sit in the same bench on which they would have written the formulas otherwise ,of course ,the roll number rules. The garden in front of the hostel was even more beautiful. I was happy that I had the camera to capture them. I never stayed in Tilak hostel, but it was no different from Patel. Room number 260 that’s where I was supposed to bunk. During the ragging time I used to get myself lost in these corridors, but then I found the trick, 15 rooms in a wing , divide the room number and you get in which floor you need to go. So I went to third floor. Room 260 was locked.

Mobile phone is a boon to the immobile (if he is a student!), But once in a corporate life, it makes you immobile. Now I was in college , and nearly a student again. I called up my junior and within 5 minutes he was there to greet me. Our greetings started without failing the tradition – the most nastiest and dirtiest introduction to each other and then a hug. Inside the room, it was a typical engg grad room. A study table with com half open and covered in dust, a lot of Photostat papers which served their purpose only on the eve of exams, and then the good old beautiful cot with Rajai : the most cherished belonging of a grad student here in winter. I had to wash my face, I walked towards the end of the corridor. The restrooms were the same, but a lot cleaner. I guess more civilized students have been given admissions recently, and the change could well be seen. The water from the tub was cold and refreshing. After splashing 2 handful over my face I looked into the mirror. On the sides there were gray stray marks, where silver had waned off, or may be ….

After changing to a presentable civilized form , I got off to see my professors. First I went to the one who taught me how to take a class. After returning from Stanford university (he taught there for 13 years) he gave us a scare by giving one of the toughest paper of all time. Out of 150 students only 56 passed, fortunately I was one among them. I had already taken the appointment, and he was expecting me. He said what he needs from me and I gave him in no time. I was happy to whatever the former director asked me to do. Before leaving from the computer science department I went to see the one thought me the secret rule of the blessed – confidence is the mother of everything. He was happy to see my face and took around to all other professors . Goose bumps were shooting all over my body. Yes I was a good student, at least. He gave me one of the best recos I have ever seen. I repented my thought of throwing him a stone in the night after the final year presentation. My intentions were not always right, but given a chance to rectify I would surely do. But opportunities are very hard to find now a days.

The winter nights in Allahabad is one memory that I would always cherish in my life.

With fog making your vision hazy and smoke coming out of your mouth, it gives one the spooky feeling that you see in some of the ghost movies. I and my junior went to My Ghana at around 10:00. This is the place where we used to share our joy and disappointments. Countless treats, countless bouts all came flooding into my memory. After tasting the once forgotten spicy food, we took our way back. Far across, in the basket ball court, we could see the flood lights. Somebody were playing. To refresh my memories he took me there. Under the brightness of halogen where even the sun would get ashamed off, guys were practicing . Not very far, the volleyball court was also occupied. I remembered the times when we used to come here and play till 4:00 in the morning. I bet, nowhere in India you could get facilities like this.

Next day I was on the way to do all sorts of paper work. Indian bureaucracy is known for their laggardness. I was expecting the same here. From 10 to 2:30 I started walking from one desk to another . Finally the verdict was out. I would get my certificates on Monday. “Monday!!!” – who needs them on Monday . I wanted to protest, apart from increasing adrenaline flow, I knew, it was not solution. One of my junior said he would take care of it. I was relieved. One thing I must say is that ragging makes you closer. I don’t know how it gets undone but it’s true. Talking of ragging , there was once this funny thing that happened. In the first year because of heavy ragging we decided to boycott it. The term was called “Group out”, meaning you are not going to be a part of the mallu clan. But due to some unavoidable circumstances we decided not to go forward with it. But by then seniors came to know about it. So during the next room call , all nine of us were summoned . we were standing in a straight line. One senior in his raucous voice asked us whose plan was it to boycott. With our head down and sweating profusely, Everybody was trembling with fear, you don’t know what they are going to do. He then said whosever want to quit the group and could come forward . As soon as he said this , we all took a step back ward, except sudeep ,he didn’t see this treachery coming. And thus he became the scapegoat. The same senior was there with me in Chennai laughing at our fears and being there for everything, day or night.

Before it even started, it was the time to go. I wanted to take few shots so I took my camera and roamed around the campus. These sights would always be there in my mind, But I never knew when I would return. May be never. One thing I learned here or rather this campus taught me was how to detach myself from everything. I never felt any emotion while I left this place 3 years before. I knew it would never happen also. But yes, this place holds a special position in my heart. Well.. am I contradicting ? if not, then it’s not me who is speaking. I had to get one more recommendation letter, this was the most precious one. She was my guide. I still remember the embarrassment caused when my project didn’t get executed on the final day in front on 60 odd people. Would you call it unfortunate if you have 2 design which worked just perfectly but failed on that one moment when it mattered most. That day I stopped believing in the so called phenomenon of being fortunate. She never forgave me for that, but then I left the mark. That was the only necessary…he he. She too gave me good writing. I guess I was really a good student (OMG!) .But cogito,Ergo sum.

My train was at 9:30 PM, I left the college at around 7:30. Few of my juniors came to see me off. Alvida they said. Come to Chennai, we will have a blast, I screamed from the tempo waving my hands madly. It was very foggy and rear window of the tempo was not that clean. Vision was getting hazy and before I could comprehend everything became a far far away land. In the station ,I knew nobody. There was a time when it would be difficult to find somebody else other than the guys from the college. But today I was a stranger, a stranger in my own backyard. Just when train was about to leave I got a call . Gandu calling….
Hello, Mein Allahabad mein hoon……Has anything changed? He asked.

The train had already started to move.

2007-12-31T10:37:00.000-08:00

Retrospection & resolutions

Umm... Can I tame the present to shape a better future ? May be yes. My grey cells were howling to get that "synaptic knob" which held the key to my present and future. 5 minutes of juggling from one unfinished thought to another , which felt like eternity , i stumbled on my resolutions of previous year. I had four resolutions.

1. To read one book per week - My total tally for last year is 53 one more than the expected.

2. To propose the girl i loved(tense is important!) - I did, unfortunately her resolution for 2007 was to say no to all the guys .

3. To learn a foriegn language - ich liebe deutsche.

4. To learn Violin - I figured where to study, now thats what i call progress.

Even though not a good year ,from the above statics it seems that i did have a great year.

Now itself, I have started to miss 2007.But then i know time wont wait for me, it never did.

Auf Wierdesehn 2007.

The convergence completed, i had my resolutions for 2008.

1. This will be my last new year in India - No its not Houdini act that i am going to disappear.

2. To learn Violin - I would do my solo before the year end.

3. I would take the photograph of a woman(not nude!) having an absolute black hair with a streak of white running from the forehead - i would name it Spes,after the Greek Goddess of Hope.

I know I dont have the power over my future but i do have the control over my present. Living in the present i would make 2008 good year(Dont count that a resolution!).

Happy new year!

2007-11-05T02:04:00.001-08:00

Psychogenic syncope

They said in hushed voice ‘she is going to be the topper; she has been doing it for the last 4 years’ ……‘Some say that she can finish a complete denture in less than an hour’

The door creaked to register its protest when she pushed it.

On the other end sat the 3 almighty. The famous trinity.

She was not new to this but every time was a first time for her. A first time that she would never get used to.

They gave the courtesy smile – an invitation to a massacre.

So…Ms Mehta how did your practical go?

It was Ok...Sirrrrr

Hmmm… I see that from your reading. Did you know the eyetooth was having a growth of more than 5mm ?

To err is human but to forgive is monstrosity!

Did you take the reading or you just wrote it out of thin air!! The ‘r’ of ‘air’ reverberated throughout.

I am not able to breath, I am seeing multiple personalities, are there 3 or 6? Why is this colorful ring coming in my eyes….

HOLD HER ..!!! Somebody shouted.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Time ticked away like a snail.
She opened her eyes slowly…

I think she prepared too much….

Please lie down..dont try to get up…

I… am …ok sir …. . With cluttered hand and that seemed like not supporting she got up . ( somehow ….!!)

Umm….sir …can you repeat the question.

Which one…oh…that eh ….never mind…..you don’t have to give your viva…we know you are good..if you are ok you can leave now….or if you want you lie down here for some more time…..

Uh…I am ok sir…..but….the viva….

No..Ms Mehta…we understand.

Slowly like a wounded beggar she move her feet towards the door.
Your last time can sometimes be worse than the last time. And numbers always doesn’t speak the truth…

2007-10-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

The conversation

"FATHER SERIOUSLY ILL, START IMMEDIATELY"
The coolest guy(i know) who knows me like an unknown said in the most serious voice he could deliver.
My hands didn't tremble

My voice didn't quiver.

I didn't muster all my courage to utter the next word.

Dad!!!!

a boisterous laugh came from the other end.

When are you coming ???
on Saturday.
which year ???now it was my turn to laugh.
at 6:30 am on 20Th Oct,2007, you can find me on your doorstep.
otherwise?
trust me dad!
should i, considering you are my son. He said with a flick.
i will be there.

And here i am, ready to go.

2007-10-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

Beyond the empty Spaces

I write. Though not continuously. There are blank spaces in between the words. An emptiness that doesn’t have continuity… They are white in color. And if you gaze at them with a purpose, they would tell you a million stories…. About me….those blank white spaces. Yet they are necessary evil, the one that completes my sentence because otherwise, as said by one of my friend, the sentence would be incomplete. An incoherency removed by adding uneven emptiness.

Every sentence I begin with on the opening page starts with a capital letter .But sometimes, while on a writing spree, I forget to make them in caps when I start a new line, but text editor, like a guide, tells me to change them now and then…..there are quite many who asks me to change. Just like I sometimes avoid the editor telling me what to make small and what to make big, I simply ignore them. But, yes, I do consider them.

In the end, there is the full stop. The sentences that are churned out, without a second thought, always end with them. And they are so placed with an intention. They complete the meaning….. Sometimes the confusion. But I decide where to place them; after all, it’s me who decides my life.

2007-09-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

The Final Hour

'Eyes Scanning across.... its difficult..... But then you came here for nothing'. The man in spectacles thought.

'The last one was sad. It put me to sleep everytimes i took it up.' The Lady in the blue saree reasoned .

'How the hell could he stand here in between these dusty racks..but i love him...i have to be here or else he will be disappointed. 'The foriegn lady with bare minimum clothes looked back at her boy friend.

Just one hour left. And it will get closed for the day.

Just one more hour to choose the 2 books for coming 2 weeks.

Just one hour to decide whether it would make me wide awake or make me sleep as soon as i pick it up.

Just one hour to decide what somebody unknown has to say to me about someone in the coming 2 weeks.

Just one hour to decide the future that would sometimes make my strange smile come back on my lips when i flip the last page.

Life is never fair , isnt it ?