2009

After 25 years of life, I learned what I am all about.

I learned what I can do, which I possibly never imagined I could.


2009 was a wonderful year.
It made me sweat like never before,
It made me burn like never before,
It inflicted the most painful wound of my life.

But that was it.

2009 was a wonderful year.
It made me bury away old memories.
It resurrected me.
It gave back so many little things, which others call trivial, to my life.

And the best thing I did in 2009 -
Started learning violin, my best investment of 2009.

And the worst thing I did in 2009 - who wants to remember them???

Neelambari

Neelambari means blue eyed living in the blue sky.
But I am not concerned of the blue eyes.
I am concerned of my eyes. They are not closing.
A thousand memories flooding in.
A thousand different sounds shouting in my ears.
I want to sleep. And I want to sleep deep!

Neelambari is a raga(a ordinal combination of musical notes) in carnatic music (a genre of classical music found in southern part of India). Neelambari is a slow paced, lullaby raga. Empirically it has been proved that there are some therapeutic properties which induces sleep if this raga is sung. The science behind this is simple (not that simple); a pacifying raga like Neelambari cools down the hypothalamus and tricks it into peaceful state thus preventing it from sending all-chaos-panic signals.

I love to sleep. so needless to say I love Neelambari, infact it is my favourite raga and most of the songs i like also belong to this raga.

Just like sleep inducing ragas, there are sleep eliciting ragas - example Madhyamavathi takes one to a higher conscious state. At present, I believe somebody is singing a song in Madhyamavathi to present me with a night-out. The only song i listened to today was gum sum gum sum - From Paa and if i am correct I believe its from Kaapi raga and Kaapi's specialty is that it takes the whole of one's attention and makes you tied to it.

In order to sleep, I have two options left:
1. Take a text book and read - I might doze off. The probablity this combine event happening that : going to search for a book, selecting a book, reading a book and then sleeping - is very very grim

or

2. Listen to a song in Neelambari

And I am going to choose the latter :)

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PS: I started of writing this post thinking Neelambari means blue eyed but Bhavya informed me the correct meaning. Thanks Bhavya. And sorry for the confusion

A filmy letter
Dear G,

Once I loved you.

I loved you more than anything. But then, I didn’t know it was love. And later, when I knew it was love.You were not there.

And now I know you will never be anymore there.

Like letters written on sand …. washed away after the wave resides back, …only traces of you are left and over the next few waves even those will be washed away.

How so much I try to hold those sands of memory in my hand, I know they will ease out and in the end what is left are those smooth dust….a coarse…. and over the times, I know I will wash away them too.

And when I write this, I already have lost some grip of the sand that I was having in my hand. Just waiting for that final rain. Glistening drops will then wash away all those that was once everything of my life - you.

Memories stay. Linger around the border and then disappear to invisibility.

Some come back. ….And some never.

I promise you will never come back….. And I know you are happy that way.
And that’s all I care – your happiness.

Warm Regards,
B

NB: An alternative twist to a filmy love story. I would love if Mani Ratnam make this a movie :)

Record broken.

“It says you had hemoptysis, is it true?” He asked with a surprise after seeing me

“If it says that then it must be true. ..by the way what is hemoptysis ?” I asked. It was in the reference medical record, the doctor from other room had sent in, for an expert comment here.

“Oh! ….Vomiting blood.” Said the expert without the light mood I tried to create.

“And it also says you vomited around half a glass?” Expert was now coming to his expertise mode.

“Depends on with what glass you are measuring.” I retorted back.

“If it was a filter-coffee glass – then it was around half else if the glass is of the standard fruit juice mug then I would say a little less than the quarter. But if you were taking any non-tropical fruit juice then….”

“Ok..ok I get it.” Expert was getting impatient.

“Was it fresh blood? “– Expert was not going to leave any stone unturned.

“Since it came from my mouth, I guess it should be fresh”. What a stupid question – I thought.

“No…that’s not what I meant. Was it black?” - Another idiotic-expert question.

“Duh….no it was red – pure wine red, Doctor don’t take them serious I am just another normal guy.” I commented at my friends who always thought I was a bit tad abnormal.

“I understood that by now.” Expert was now taking sides.

“Umm….so whats my problem ?” – I wanted to sound normal.

I don’t see anything…all tests are normal. Expert had made his decision.

“Thank you doctor, see you then.” I was ready to run amok.

“No..Not so fast, since you came and hemoptysis being serious issue we would like to put you under observation” – who the heck said he was an expert!!!

“But I have never been admitted in a hospital, and I don’t want my record to be broken, I promise I would take all the pills that you prescribe. But please please don’t admit” – I was literally on my knees.

He smiled.

Whosever said India is a free country is dead wrong. Where was my right to freedom when I was admitted against my wish? I was given a bed with white-mental-patient attire to wear. Now it is perfect, my friends told – just another psycho treating for some weird psychotic disorder.

But the worst part was yet to come – on my left side, there was a guy admitted for insomnia –INSOMNIA!! Who admits somebody for that? And on my right was a guy who had a surgery in his eye that evening because he forgot to remove his glasses while playing cricket in his hostel corridor and who always said “who is there?” for every sound he heard. For rest of 2 nights I couldn’t sleep because insomniac didn’t want to put off the light and in the day time, I couldnt shut my eyes because of the constant begging from the blind guy.