Mu:You walk ahead,I ll follow you.....

Da : Why not together?

Mu: Ok....

Mu:How long is it?

Da:Why? are you bored?

Mu:No,I dont want it to end.

Mu:My leg is aching....

Da: Do you want me to carry you?

Mu: yes.....till the end.

In the spirit of engineering.

Take 1:
"Lets get a shoe rack." He said.
'Yaar, we ll be moving out of this place anytime from now' I tried to give an excuse.
'We have been saying this for the last one and half years.' He smiled
He was right. We were waiting for a move or rather contemplating for move, but nothing has happend for quite sometime. Offers came and went. some were really good and some pathetic, some we wanted and some they didn't want us. Yes we were to be here for some more time
'ok lets buy one'. I gave up.' how many shoes do we have??'
'umm May be a 20.." he said with a smirk.
He had seven pairs or so in that count. ' So we need two eh??"
"i think so..."
" lets order a new one which can take all our shoes, lets go to carpenter and ask him to make a really BIIIIIIIGGGGGGG one"

Take 2:
"How much will a shoe rack cost ...i mean a 4X5 ft one....." I asked with all my apprehension. I knew around 1000 buck we were going to blow today...
He took his 1960 calculator and started typing. he was not a as fast a SW engineer, but at least he had the liberty to charge the client as much he wanted.
' That would be 3000 for 12 inch super quality Plywood"
Both of us just dropped our jaw." Brother, i don't want a shoe rack made of gold.??" i told him.
" i can make it for 1600, thats the final price"
" we need to think, we ll come later" he knew that was the end of the deal. We started walking back. where to next......
"lets go to second sale market, i think we may be able to get a nice one that fits our bill" Ideas where starting to sprung out of my old weedy head.

Take 3:
Heaps of wooden furniture lay one above the other. Some had a broken arm, others a broken leg. But some were fortunate enough to be in a single piece.They once had a glorified past, An era where they were loved, where they were the fashion. But as change was inevitable they were destined to be here at last.
'Do you have a shoe rack or something like that" I didn't have any hope but then necessity was mine.
"we had one made out of cane, but we sold it off today morning." The old man in charge said with a weary eye.
"Its dusty here, you know i am allergic to dust. why not we make it" My friend gave me a challenging look.
"when did i say no....." I smiled.

Take 4.
Brainstorming sessions, drawings, measurements,Axe blades, Pipes, T joints. and 2 hrs. Our hall got converted to a living hell after the creation. With a four floor structure that was not only stable but also obeyed the equilibrium laws that once we heard in the sominiac mechanical class. Moreover, we gave it a flexibility to take it off in a polythene cover and pack off to another location.
After 2 hrs we were beaming at our creation.
"Next thing we should make is book shelf" My friend said a energetic confidence.
"what???, i quit reading."

A walk to remember

"Are you coming for a walk? "
An individual who knew me for the last 23 years asked.She was my mother.
'Huh....I am reading a book mum, may be tomorrow". I loved my couch and the hollywood movie that was going on. I was in dolce far niente.
"Ok", she said with a dismal voice.
I may not be good son, but then which son could make his mum unhappy."
"wait......I ll come."
I switched off the television and got up and fletched a muscle or two and was on my way out.

From the time i remembered she took the same route and usually starts at the same time, so i didnt ask where we were going.She had slowed down and i had gained pace. But i slowed down for her to catch up. Then we walked in unison.

I used to go with her like this , long before the college. Then it decreased and gradually, it stopped. Only the path was the same, but surroundings had changed. New buildings had come up in our small residential areas. we passed many like us . some smiled while some looked with a suspicion, but we dint mind.

Then we began to talk about the job, friends, the latest movies and stopped in books.

'which was the last book that you read?'
'Ignited minds, its good one, i got from your shelf...i didnt you read stuff like that' she said with a sparkle in her eyes.
'its an old one, you didnt get anything else...i think i brought it two years back while traveling from chennai' I exemplified .
" Son, when age and responsibility catches up, you come down on what you like....i didn't have all the enthu to go to library and take one or two for read" . The tone had suddenly changed to dry one.
" But lately i am catching upon, i wanted to read Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, you must be having it,right?" She said with new air of confidence.
" I had it but i gave it someone else" I didn't want to talk about it anymore but she didn't let me finish.
"well then get it back for me" She commanded.
"I cant mum, i ll buy you another copy.......i gave it to her as a present" I didn't know how to put it better than that.
Suddenly she stopped and turned to me and asked " you still love her ???"
"Mum i am missing my show, could you please walk a little more faster" I complained.


On the next day, I bought that book one more time and wrote :

" Love is eternal , for a person who taught me"
your son,
B

Out of confusion.....

Staring at the star studded sky from my terrace i was thinking about where was i ?

The journey so far was nice. Like a sinusoidal wave, my ups and downs were even. Since the trough part of the wave was too much prolonged for quite some time, i believe in a rise of amplitude in the positive direction. But as every man goes through this 'quarter life crisis' , i am happy that i too am a human moreover a common man.

Suddenly i saw a shooting star falling across the distant horizon.

I closed my eyes and made a wish: every time it was the same but not this time. Its time that i moved on. And since the dark veil of murky illusion passed away in the last monsoon rain, i dreamed something new. The acrospire just began to happen but this time for a definite future.

The reflection of full moon on the beating waves gave a wonderful sparkling effect.

Remembering the past made me nervous of the future. This was fear that neglected me for some period of time. Fear is an quintessential necessity for the success of life. Last time i had it, i landed up in an NIT. I felt good about this paradoxical irony.

It was already late and i needed to get up early in the morning. I got up and went to bed for brand new tomorrow.

Walking across the waves......

It was breezy with tincture of chillness in the air. Humidity had gone out for a vacation or it seemed, chennai was fine again. Across the footsteps of someone in front i followed, waves were kissing the shore with its never ending love or rather should i say lust.

Kites were conquering the sky and migratory birds were alarmed and across the clouds, up far above, a boeying 747 was circling across the imaginary terminal in the sky. ......it seemed as if it was a bit crammed up there.As for down below,here, sand castles built by our young-would-be engineers flooded my way ahead. some with towering watch houses , some with barricades and yet some others with rising tombs. They were happy as was me.

One after the another, waves repeated their monotonicity,without getting bored. Across their boundary sat couples with a world to share for themselves. Hushing in each other ears about a tomorrow for themselves. sometimes getting 'naughty' with themselves,The world around had stop revolving for them. They were in love. They were happy as was me.

Hot spots of some other relations existed in there, Having ground nuts to chew and some old jokes to share. They were aged yet they seemed young. Having crossed many high tides and whirlpools, euphoria spread across their faces. They were happy as was me.

I had covered some beautiful things in my short stroll on that beach. I stopped and turned back, they were my happy memories, like a beautiful era added to my life chronology. I saw many footsteps, some were mine and some were of others, i wanted to know my steps. I walked back, keeping again a mantle for those happy moments to be retrieved.

A Setback and a come back....

About sometimes before i made a mistake and to realize it was a mistake it took me a very long time - to be precise 5 yrs. I learned a lot from it.

About 1.5 yrs before i made another mistake and now i am in the process of rectifying it.

I got my lost confidence yesterday, was wondering where it had all been for this long time. Its like when a batsman who is currently not in form gets his class back on fine morning. The only difference is batsman get thru this process once in while in a season but for me it was going for the last 2 yrs or so.

Yes I am back!!!!!!!!! Thanks dude(GOD)!!.

To dream the same again.....

There is this murmur in your head saying something which you cant understand...Not that language spoken is unknown... Not that thought is irksome.... but just because its quite impossible to comprehend them with a sane mind. A thousand voices saying to you – their opinions, their priority , their exaggerations and what not and you sometime end up taking it – rather forced to take it.
It was a dream,which I never want to be materialized.
My hands were getting numb after driving for long hours, don't know since when i was driving. The road was winding and climbing up. Below I could see the green belt of eucalyptus and cannon ball trees, spanning across a numerous hills with patches of clouds touching them at here and there. When the car graced across the wild bushes around the corner, chilled dew drops sprinkled across my face.

I loved it

I didn't know where i was going. The road was getting presented in front of my eyes ....from somewhere Apart from a small grunter of the car,there was nothing else to listen except the silence. Even that couldn't match the beauty which surrounded me. An effervescent yet mystique smell straddled across everywhere. My vision was getting blurred because of the mist on the glass, i put on the viper to draw it off.....

Out of the blue, I saw her, in white surrounded by fog ...like a ghost. She waved her at me, i pulled over.

“ I am going this way, can i join you .....”.
“But i don't know where i am going??” I artlessly submitted.
“Please let me join you “ she didn't wait for the answer before I could , the door was locked from inside .
“ Do you know where this road leads to ??” I queered , the journey had begun...again.
“ I don't know , but I can give you a company” she said with a assuaging tone.
I smiled.
The road ahead, like the cadence of a once forgotten song, meandered to somewhere we didn't know .We didn't talk. Silence was playing yet another master stroke. I didn't want to break the quietness nor did she. So we played along. A cat and mouse game.
Time, it seems was hesitating to move. But the places around passed on to new places. Some interesting, some beautiful, some that may never be seen.
Suddenly the fog thickened, and vision became hazy. I stopped the car, And waited for the vision to be cleared.Mean while silence continued.

“Talk to her” ....something in me said.

“No!! don't do that ...she likes silence ..don't break it” ....somebody else said with authority.

“May be she wants you to speak first”....former stressed.

“just don't listen to them ..you have got a long journey” ...said a third.

I didn't know what to do....So I waited.
May be seconds were moving to minutes and them onto hours....we waited.
Suddenly the mist cleared and slowly my speedometer began its ascend.

They were talking in my head, arguing what needs to be done.

“Maybe i should talk to her” ...somebody with the veto power came up.

“Why do you want to come with me?” I asked her.

A smile – that was the answer.

“she is just another hitch hiker” ...someone from the group said.

“No she wants to know more about you” another said.

“I think you should let her out” .....the third said.

“Enough!!!!” I screamed

“what happened ??? “ she asked with a shaky voice.

“Stop the car, I need to get out. Now!”

I stopped the car.

Before I turned towards my left, the door was opened and closed.

She was walking into the mist. I wanted to call her.

But I didn't know the name.

And then she was gone.

May be in some other night's dream I would ask her why she left me ?

Strange isn't it ?

A Lightning loss...

It was pitch black around except for the occasional vision provided by fighting blades in the Sky.
I rolled from one side to another to come into that perfect position to slide into my dreams. Alas, it was not that easy.

Time : 1:30 AM.

May be an hour later it had started to rain. Thunder had also started its dance. Since my flat was on the beach side the echo created was actually like thumping your heart. Being a guy it is a little shameful to say i was scared not because of the rain,thunder or the lightening but of the fact that our building was rather old and also it was made under a “govt contract” which made the risk something like crossing a express highway Blind folded. Temperature had dropped down and my legs were getting freezed up. I was trying hard to find warmth inside my new quill.

I don't know whether there was world war going or out but it was turning to be scary. With a masochistic sense thunder and lightning was increasing the uneasiness in me. I slowly lowered my quill from my face just to check whether there was any world left or just stones.

“Oh!! my cable and modem connection!!! i need to unplug those” .

The comp was in my room so got up and moved my lazy legs to corner where my bread-&-butter-machine majestically sat. Before i could figure out where the LAN wire was something bright flashed outside the window- “a UFO” i thought. Then there was loud wailing sound of a car, the bloody lightening just had dented a hole in one of my neighbor's wallet. I smelled my comp, just to assure that nothing had burned down . I waited for the next lightening to strike so that i can unplug before the very next came. As soon as the sky flashed its ugly teeth i took out my cable - operation comp save SUCCESS!!!

Now i need to save my idiot box.

It was in the hall, i mustered my courage and like new born, waggled across to destination hall.
Suddenly the power went, darker shade around me increased its intensity ten fold. My nocturnal sense told me i should take a right first then take 6 feet and then turn left and again take 4 feet to get my first touch on the TV. I took the right walked 6 feet and as was taking the left, some monstrous creature suddenly came in front of me- as was the first reflex action of every human – I screamed.

The voice echoed and even conquered the one happening outside. The amplitude was intensified by another voice

suddenly from no where power came .”dude..its me “ , my party roommate had just came in and he too was on his way to unplug.

We spend some time chatting and then bang.....Zzzzzzzz.........

Like the phoenix from the ashes, the first rays of sun called me. I opened my eyes to see all notes that i jotted down spawn across the floor. I removed my quill and was about to put on the slippers...

“Dude, did you put off the cable....” he asked instead of the usual warm “good morning”.

“ I thought you did it ......what happened” ....I was expecting nothing bad.

“ Oh ...Then i think its gone – yesterday's lightening was too much for it “ he said in plain complacent tone while putting on his Blazers to go off for another morning round.

In a nutshell

Choice - a luxury

Faith - an ubiquitous belief
Hope - a quintessential delusion

Miracle - a chance for resuscitation

Destiny - an unexpected end

Life - a twisted tale

The Butterfly effect.

"Butterfly effect can be defined as the propensity of a system to be sensitive to the initial conditions."

~ Wikipedia

This is the only phinomin i know in Chaos theory.

On that unfaithful day, I along with my friend had gone to play basket ball in the city auditorium.The game was supposed to be short :- it was one-on-one. He was behind me by 5 baskets and ball was playing gymnastics under his hand.

" This one is for Rithika" he shouted while shooting the basket.

" Hey i already put a basket for her...thats not fair" I pleaded.And as unfair it was, I was racing to get out of the D after collecting the rebound. One out, i charged in to the center. He, as usual, was in his tenacious and technically offensive defense to counter my charge.

"This is for the new girl with the blue eyes", he jumped to his limit but ball eluded him once more to get inside its beloved hoop. one more added to the total tally he needed to close the game."Okay boss, winner take it all - golden basket", he gave his wicked smirk.

"It only 5:15, and i am leading!!!" I protested.

"Dont you remember about the project Viva?" he asked.

The pace wasn’t that high but we were sweating. He was better of in terms of stamina, so I thought for a sec but then its only a game.‘Ok lets go for the golden basket….i know I am going to lay it today" - I beamed with confidence.

"mate, I don’t know why.. but you always fail in the end ……just as you are going to be now" His cacophonic voice echoed the court.He was right I always made it to last but get fumbled in the last step. But today I was not in a leave like that…..

"Lettttttttttttttttttttttsssssssssssssssssss starrrrrrrrrrrrrrt……….. "Before his grunting voice’s reverberation stopped, the ball was high in the air.

"gotcha…." Height was his advantage and he made a good use of it. He flipped the ball behind my back to take it through his feet - I loved that move!!!I ran behind him, and forked my arms to make his grip on the ball loose, but it was too late, he already got that ‘eventful’ split second to shoot.

"Once again aadhi ….." . The ball sprang from his hands to hoop and I, as usual, was praying to my beloved gods not to let it happen.

I looked at him then the ball it wobbling in the air, trying to make its way ahead, at one point of time I thought it would never reach the basket, but destiny was different.With just enough it reached there and as not i wanted didnt go off the course. The first touch was on the square’s border above the hoop, then-a-suppose-to-be-out It bounced back to outer rim of the hoop,there is stayed for a second or so and finally it went inside.The entanglement gave its way for unwelcomed guest.

"yessssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he frantic shout reverberated.

I, then, didn’t know that basket was going to decide my fate.

‘I told you right …you will never put the last basket"

Not again.........!!!!!

I took the ball from the side court and shooted with the chin-up-leg-bend position for a three pointer. It missed by a whisker.

"Aadhi..start practicising from under the basket then try for three or six" ....his wicket voice once again echoed through the court. With a ready backpack he started walking towards me....i, in mean time had taken my second shot and missed.

"lets go man...we got a viva to attend, and you know prof wont like late commers" he gigled and said.

" I want my basket" I said assertively.

"not today mate...you wont get it" . steam was rising from my both ears.By this time i had already taken god-know-how-many shot ...still no luck."last call...you coming or not" he was serious this time.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" , I Screamed.

It was only two after that scream i reached hostel, tired and frustrated . When I reached college at around 9, they were coming out of the computer center.

I missed my 7th semester ViVa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because of which I got a back in project by 2 marks.

Because of which I missed my dream company by .7 percentage .

Because of which my girlfriend got into different town and onto different boyfriend.

Because of which I started boozing and weeding.

Because of which I couldnt do my task properly.

Because of which I didnt get my appraisal.

Because of which I dont have a penny in my pocket at the end of the month.

All these........for that last basket.

"The initial deviation may be assumed to be small on linear scale but with time as the another function the amplitude of difference after a span of time always is quite high"

~ Wikipedia

By the way I did put the last basket of the day.

The Recluse

Standing in front of my mirror,
Remnant glory sneers at me.
Running away from life,
Only shadow of mine is with me.

Standing in front of my mirror,
Winding path of an innocent mistake mocks me.
The unknown destiny of my self,
Shows its mistiness to me.


Standing in front of my mirror,
Her prudent glee softly kills me.
Memoirs of that time,
Remind what laughter is to me.

Standing in front of my mirror,
meanders of today smirks me.
Haziness of the image,
Undoes the immortality of me.

A software LIFE cycle.....

I get up

Go to office

code..

code..

requirement change. then again

code..

code..

Test case fails, again

code..

code..

Deliver it and bug comes

I go back home to come back again to

code..

and the vicious cycle continues -

To Answer The Past.

He was new to the place. Like a lost child searching for his mother he kept asking.But in vain.
Nobody bothered to look into his eyes and know his concern.His warmth in adressing vieled the pain behind those eyes and they did it perfectly, serving another purpose as though.

"which way to santhome church ? " his heavy voice asked with respect.

"I am new to this place, i dont know !!! " the white collered guy with laptop said.
May be he knew but didnt want to reveal it as he had just hidden his lifes saving under the cross.

He smiled back.

A few meters ahead, there was a tea stall "Heavens" . He took his long strides to interupt the round table conference going there. Newspapers from yesterdays were all strewn across the temporary bench. Hot fumes from the teapot made the surrounding suffocating but nonethless he liked the aroma. Out of the diplomats only an old paltry guy going through the paper seemed his presence there, but he too waited for his lips to make the first move.

"Hello!, can you tell me the way to santhome church ?"

The topic of " who is better? sonia or manmohan" suddenly lost it bonus poll points.

"Today there is no Mass, tomorrow there is one in the morning" ,a typical rural indian answer, you ask for cat they say dog and you say dog then they ask where is the dog.

"No ..No ..i didnt come for Mass, i just needed to know the way" He said with the same old smile.
"Oh ..you take the first right and then straight, it end at church gates." with a sense of unseen pride he said.

" Thank you..." again flashing the curteous smile, he took his directions.

He first met her in the library, then in canteen, then in Dr Cherian's Home....only then he knew his prof had a beautiful daughter too apart from wacko son. He doesnt know what was special in her, her smile,her caring look,her straddled up hair, her unintentional sarcasm,her provoking moves at disc.....whatever it was he was in madly love with her. He realised this only when he left for America. Its been six years since, his profile changed from a B.Tech to a MS to a PhD but his marital status remained the same : Single.

He missed her very much in all those years but it was...... too late.

"Girls get aged very early, they need to be married of as early as possible" His orthodox mother's rule 31 echoed in his head.

Ya,it was indeed late... He realised.

"Take right ...", he didnt want to loose way one more time.

She had sent letters. Almost everyday.Then it became twice a day,then thrice,then a week.....then one day it stopped.He didnt know why then, but now he knew why......

"To maintain a distant-relationship is difficult, particularly when the girl is hot, there are always better guys than you or me around and they dont miss OPPURTUNITIES" his sadistic friend was speaking his mind in one of those drinking session. He didnt mind it then ..but now........

Off all the places, he found it hard to believe that he would be meeting her in a church, that was the last place on the earth for a meeting after all these years. Its not like she might be changed, ya person change afterall six years is a very long time. He changed, with long hairs, a beard and large spectacles with a pierced ear. He had a look of grassed out rock star rather than a brooded up professor. But nobody complained.

" the church gate..." He went passed the sad virgin Mary. Cathedral was in front with a large white cross in the front of it. Bouginvilla were planted on either side of it . Towards the right there was grotto and at the back of it he could see it. There were so many of them. Some in blue, some in white, some in light pink..... He moved towards them with a kind sluggishness that caught hold of him.
His eyes searched for some familiarity but she had always eluded him, may be this time too. Then he saw them....as usual she had different sense of selection.
On white marble, with a little girl in Balle dancer's dress just below the cross.White kind of lavender spread across the cross hiding the engraving. He removed them to a side .
It was written in black in some font he didnt know....

Anna Rose Cherian
Born On: 12-03-1980
Died On: 04-11-2001
"For all those coming here to see me...Dont tell me you came empty handed"

He took his the red box from his pocket. The ring was expensive at that time when she had asked but not anymore. He placed it on the Tomb.

Tears started rolling but he didnt cry.

Full Throttle

Click.

His 180 CC pulsar roared into life. The machine was new, just a month old and he cared it like his baby. No it was his baby. He could feel the shudder through his spines; it went across his arms to heart and then let the adrenaline flow. He made the grip on the left hand a little loose to adjust the clutch.

Click

Gear one.
The baby picked up its momentum, like a newborn trying to make it first step, it waggled. But his assured hand just let it didn’t go. The speedometer climbed it journey up.

Click

Gear two.
The RPM ascended, he checked his rearview mirror, and his home was becoming a dot. Soon it will be a smug. The kuccha road would soon give away to well maintained National highway. There he would be free bird.

Click

Gear Three.
Green signal gleefully welcomed him to take his much awaited left turn. The indicator was already on. The weeping sound of the blinking light pierced his WEGA black helmet. He didn’t want it to be there, but somehow it got there.

Click

Gear Four.
Chilly air swirled across his blazers. He hadn’t covered his front buttons, so he became the superman. Speedometer quickened its ascend. The places on either side became part of his history. The future was coming down, becoming present and then gone…it was past. There were two trucks in front of him. Gently he turned the accelerator, baby wriggled past its worthless prey. Brightened eyes were streaking across his opposite side. He closed his eyes for sec and then regained his composure.

Click

Gear Five.
110 Km/Hr, the bike grunted and showed his anger. But he didn’t mind it, after all why did he buy a 180. The pages of the journey were turned over before it could be read. Name boards, pedestrian pathways, night lamps were becoming history. Now he was not riding. Not Anymore.

Screeching sound. Metals entangling in between and…just pain.
He could see people around all staring at him, what happened??????

There was something wriggling across his chest. White man with spec took his wrist and laid down on the bed. Nervous looking white angel was staring him like he was dead.

“ How many bones are broken” he asked. But nobody replied. He asked again and once more the silence answered. They all went towards the door. One by one escaped to the world outside. He could see his mother trying to get one glance of him.

Click

Door closed.
A few seconds more then he could hear the loud wailing from outside.

The Sacred Question

He looked around, still befuddled. He couldn’t understand it. He tried so hard but now he wanted to know before he slept and he was feeling sleepy, guardian angel has started their song for the night. First he thought he would ask Chechi , but if it was a stupid question chechi would make fun of him. He hated that.
And even if she knew she doesn’t know how to say it. Then there is grandpa, he could explain but its too late and he would probably have slept. Ma has said him not to disturb while he is taking rest. She says only naughty boys’ calls their grandpa while sleeping and he was not a bad boy. Ma, would be still in the kitchen, she will be sleeping only after pa comes and Ma won’t mind telling him at this time, for that matter anytime.

He loved his ma…..Very much.

He put off his satin bed covers and put on little slippers with Mickey on the flaps that aunt molly had presented him last summer. He was not that afraid of dark but he didn’t like bugaboo. Ma says bugaboo don’t eat good boy and he was a good boy. The white curtain facing achu’s house suddenly fluttered, he ran to the hall with his teddy tightly held in his arms. He ran across the mahogany table with out lumbering pa’s Chinese vase in obscure corner between the table and the wall.
Spicy aroma of nutmeg and cardamom was spewing from the kitchen.she was making something new,she experiments only in the night when everybody has slept. If its good he would be getting it tomorrow. He loved whatever Ma made. Ma was a very good cook. Everybody use to say this.

“Ma” his inquisitive soft voice called her.

“yes kanna, you are still awake ?” she said with all her concentration on the dish-in-making.

“No Ma, I couldn’t ….”

Dish-in-making suddenly lost his creator, she turned towards her son.

“why honey…did you have any nightmares”.
“No Ma….its just question.” He said in a subdued voice as if what he is going to ask may something utter stupidity.

“Ma, how are babies formed…?”

A question of evolution asked by 7 yr old – the most sacred secret answer yet so commonly known to everyone …Ma was speechless for a minute. Then she smiled.

“kanna I would tell you how you were formed when you were a baby.”

“Anybody who needs a baby has to get approval from god, you request about the kind off baby you want like for example I and your dad asked for you to be smart and cute so you are now. Then the god will decide whether permission should be given or not. The god would think for about some ten months regarding this. In this duration he would add on the features that the parents asked for and after ten months a baby is given you”

“Whooooooooooooo” pressure cooker screamed at the top of his tongue.

“did you get it…”
“ so I was made like that ..umm…yes” he said with his gleaming eyes wide open.

Dish-in-making suddenly got his creator back.

“Now go to sleep …you need to be in school tomorrow” she said with her assertive voice

“Good night ma” he was thinking again.

“So achu was wrong again…..there is nothing called sex and all right??”

“whooooooooooooo” pressure cooker showed it agony.

For her eyes Alone

Sitting in the first bench is the worst thing that can happen to a last bencher. Its even worser if he has to do that all round the year. And that too consecutively for two years

I went through this ordeal.

2001,June 16. Most of the faces around me were familiar. But who knows some unfamiliar ones may be fringed upon your mind forever. The circle were already formed, some big, some small and discussion begun. “I joined at PC Thomas” my STUDIOUS friend was bragging to me and my circle.” Well I too joined: - waste of money” another friend of mine said. Every body had a good time and me too. I got my Hawk as a present and was roaming across the township for most of the time.

Then suddenly silence echoed across the class room.

We still were in our world. Topic had gone from PC Thomas to Sunni’s Bio class from there to girls outfits and norms of having MINI’s in school.

“You there” shouted the woman in the red( I think she was teleported there just a few sec before) “what’s there to laugh this much?” .“If its that much funny then let us here too” . A thousand butterflies suddenly started a migration trip inside my stomach. “Maam, we were just talking about …eh..umm….” . “No explanation needed” she barked. “Come to first bench and you will be fine there" ,

“Ok “who cares…..wickedness in me scowled.

“for the rest of year”

Nooooooooo. I didn’t expect this …at least on the first day.

Thus my first and as well class first punitive act began. Thank god I had peed before coming to class.

I quietly came to the front row. “Oh god the black board is too near! Moreover I was in the striking range of every teacher”. I knew everyone in that row but none of them were close enough : At least for men’s world they were young….too young.

I stared at the board.

Blank. A black infinity an eternal one, stretching across the unknown platitudes, maybe sitting the first bench is not bad after all. I can dream a lot. Suddenly that trance was broken by supernova explosion. “ Day dreaming in the first bench”. “no maam I just….” I again fumbled. “Do you want me to throw you out on the first day itself”. “Oh Please” But nothing came from mouth. I just stood there – like a dumb head.

“May I come in Maam” .

40 pair of eyes turned towards the door.

The same navy blue churidhar with dark blue shawl and bottoms. Is there something special? Nothing. But wait those eyes. Is it trying to say something?

She gracefully walked across me, I turned back to see rest of the SITTING guys were doing. They were waiting for something to happen. I quietly tried to press my ass to sweet bench.

“Did I ask you to sit down?” she snarled. “No maam but I thought…… I could just …as you were talking to her “.

The new girl looked at me and I looked at her. Into her eyes.

She went sat near at the other end of the class. I turned back. Just to lock the vision once more.
The transparency in her eyes was narrating the story for me. Our story.

I stood there all throughout the period and when the bell rang, I straight away went to her.
“Your eyes are beautiful” I said.

“What were you dreaming of?” she asked with a naughty smile.

“oh that…. someone with a beautiful eyes would come into class and she would look at me and I wouldn’t miss that “ I said in subdued romantic tone.

She blushed.

On a Rainy Night

“Its going to be sunny day ” The CNN-IBN weatherman forecasted. I turned around to my window and saw bright sun saying “Oh Man I am going to be so hot hot today”.
I put on my thinnest cotton outfits and went to office.

6:30 PM: Time to leave.

In the bus it was a relief after day long monotony. Everybody had a resentful look, in the background 98.3 FM was howling some Linkin Park-converted-Tamil song. Oh they spoiled the song. Wind was squeezing in through the half opened window. I wanted to push it and open completely but HUMAN COURTSY compelled me not to do so. And no I was not interested brawl with the good looking female sitting front, the half owner of my window. When and where I don’t know. But when I opened the eyes and turned to see whether the my stop missed me or not. The window pane was hazy and the bag on my lap was wet.

The Rain.

The ambiguity that lies behind those windows was soothing. Balmy breeze straddled across my face. And the wet smell of earth made me nostalgic.

The bus had stopped.

It was a drizzle. Small chilly drops smothered across my eyes. I looked up and saw a thousand messages coming to me. I was helpless. The key to that ciphered text, I had lost it long back and didn’t even try to find a spare. Everybody was running for cover. Everybody was expecting something bigger. But I had stopped expecting. I walked in my usual pace. The darkness coupled with rain was making vision blizzard. Yes, the way ahead was into darkness.

Now the battalion attacked with impeccable force. I was completely soaked. Worst socks got wet too. The soggy feet and water in the shoes pulled me back. But I walked. My communication was also going wet too and I thought about setting the semantic right. But eh? I don’t need it .

White blades fought against, from hiding behind veil of clouds.

The holler went to other side of world. I closed my eyes but failed to do the same with ears. The battle was going in some far far of land and suddenly like the end of curtain of movie everything stopped.

The lightning stopped, The thunder stopped and the rain stopped.

But my battle had just began with closed eyes and opened ears.

A Harbinger’s journey

Railway station is full of anxiety. Always. People looking around, the chai wala running to catch his next prey, the paper boy shouting todays news as if there is no tomorrow, The arrival announcement of the next train echoing through the platform.

I stared out to the platform to check whether it was my train.it was a 110 bogie cargo traing straining to move ahead strenously.The line in front of me was wagging its
long tail. Somebody tried to get inside the queue and people started shouting. Even in this June its hot and dont mentioned the humidity. People were getting baked in that 20*20 foot hall. One by one the the queue shortened, the frustrated guy at the counter was firing away tickets as well as abuses. At last I was at st peter’s gate, one ticket to Thalessery. I gave him a yesterday-printed hundred rupee note. It seems he was not satisfied, ok a 10 rupee more. He gave me the ticket with smirk along with the change. In my hands were the ticket and the first ever printed two rupee note of India. Surf Excel should have given the challenge of cleaning it up I bet even they could have failed. But courtesy should be maintained, in a humble “Thank you sir” and he was smiling at me. Respect- something that he doesn’t get outside that counter even from his wife.

Indian railway is always to be indebted for providing so much of time in a busy station with train coming late as usual. If the station contains some Head-turners well then Indian railway is the best railways of the world( yes I am admirer of Laloo !!!(railway mini)). Everywhere there was humming sound. “ she shouldn’t have done that……..” some fat lady sitting beside was saying. “ I wont go there as……” a guy in the checkered black shirt was stating. I strained my ears to catch the next word. “For kind attention of passengers…..” This lady is agonizingly a menace sometimes. She didn’t want me having my time.
The Mangla-lakshdeep express bellowed its tongue before stopping with screeching sound that shrilled across the platform. I took my stride to catch my prey and den. The search didn’t last. I clamored in to S4 to sit just beside her and the journey started. And the journey is still going on. Across the green meadows, across the rice fields, across the meandering rivers, across the horizon ……….

The Journey back

Nobody was around. The silence was Mystical and stuffy. Left overs of packing was strewn across and the hot dusty May loo was taking them all over the hostel. May 04, 2005, Last day here and Tomorrow? God knows.

I saw everybody leave. One by one and after some time I stopped counting. I packed their bags, helped them carry it and then board them off. Everybody had the same picture in their eyes: - They were going back to old days when everybody walked in white dress, with their head bowed and honoring seniors; when the first bottle of vodka opened on the hostel roof top; when that beautiful junior girl came in and fighting who is going to hit her first; when the new professor came in asked for Batch name, replied with a false one …so many memories.

They are going to be just memories. Aint it? Nothing more. I stared through my window. I could see Gandu calling at me for movie but now …there was nobody. Only the echo left after the call, still reverberating in my ears. It was getting hot and almost half past one. Nobody came to call me for lunch. I locked my room and went towards the Mess. Nobody was there blocking my way. I hallucinated faces, calling me, asking me how I did in the presentation, asking to share a movie or two. Mess was empty, chair and table left after the chaos. No plates, no glasses. I turned around just to see the notice on the Wall beside me “ Mess closing day: 04/05/2005”

I looked up towards the hostel building, windows were all open everybody wanted to come out but nobody was around. I slowly retraced my steps back to my room. I was no more hungry. Everywhere I saw every faces but its was dark and musky. Gloominess surrounding me was telling the tales. I could hear them loud and clear about friendship, about love, about sleepless nights, about parties, about …everything that happened in the last four years.

I took my keys and opened the door for the last time. The room was dusty and murky as never before. Walls across staring at me and all those posters, I didn’t want them to leave it. But then I had a train to catch. The bag was already packed. Nobody was there to wish me adieu except the gigantic cement structures around with plane white walls . I stared one more time across the window . I took my marker and wrote on the wall” This room belongs to your grandfather Mr X,B.Tech IT, Batch of 2005” I locked the room with backpack on, walked towards the exit.


Good Bye MNNIT.

Men dont cook and women dont eat.

yesterday it was not a mistake. Mistakes do happen but not with me, because to err is human but elves dont err!!! I cooked and moreover jasu had it. Friendship was gratified when he said that it tastes good . WOW!! thanks yaar. But might be true it was good. The catch is if you put a tint of Ghee in the Scrambled egg it smells and tastes good.
Leave all that,, Point i want to emphasize why men have to cook if ladies dont want to eat .We are so happy with Mcdonalds and Pizza Huts. They want to have perfect body(we too want that) and why do we want us to cook, afterall their body is OUR BODY right??? (:))
Any females who wants to eat what i cook is welcome. But mind you, dont say it tastes bad, because afterall i dont make any mistakes.

My yesterday.......

Its a kinda of weard title but who cares about my yesterday. Well to start with the day was blank. sometimes people stare towards the sky and brood what to do?, yesterday was that kinda of day for me. I was thinking of my small impulsive decisions( MISTAKES) that was in continum and resulted in this mess called MY LIFE .
But then I am happy that i should be and well to matter of fact i am . so no regrets...
I went for PINK PANTHER , if somebody hates french this kinda of movie they should watch. Every sec, french are slapped with one after another.The movie got some witty moments showcasing the french upper intellect.Its a one time watchable movie.
The way back home was memorable one. I went alone for this one, friends had seen it all. The bike was cruising around 90-95 kmph suddenly out of blue a stoned fellow waggled into front of the bike . I shouted at him from distance to move off, nothing happend. I just closed my eyes and thought " poor soul i may meet him in the hell" . His hands just graced mine. Hey ppl you might be thinking why i thought i ll meet him hell him. I dont know whether he will be given an entry by St Peters but its for sure that i ll be denied there and as i am now, i will be happy in the hell with my friends : - Loose control.

Expectation of expecting nothing.

I think..... , I hope......, I would like to ......., I may......etc etc. The more I use these, deeper shit holes I am in. I don’t expect anything but to err is human sometimes i become just like 99.9% of the mass:- a commoner.
Today I belong to this category and i expect to go home for visu. I haven’t called home for the last 4 days and my mobile is switched off (that piece of junk should always be kept in that mode!!!). But so far no work has come and I EXPECT it to be anytime from now. i hate slogging my ass for more than 8 hours After all this company which i work doesn’t pay me that much!!! But the other part of the coin is that even if they would have paid me a million, my soul is not here and i am still in that trance from which my peers have left me for their good . But me??? I again EXPECT something to happen and what that is i dont know!!!
The power of expectation is too much. it can motivate you higher or to stoop down below the earth. Expectation was always high on me. be it in the family, be it in the school, be it in the college and be it with my friends. They know me . But the truth i don’t know myself and am in the enduring process of search. The alacrity that pushes me towards it is very very mere compared to a commoner. When I see around People have something to gain. They are expecting irrespective of the results and that move them but me ? i am expecting nothing so no worries and no tensions and I am happy as the way i am . i know that will change when i find out what the god damn business i have here in the so called life. But that again is an EXPECTATION, isn’t it??
I wrote it for the sake of writing and am I EXPECTING something from your side for this
ill-literary masterpiece? Naaaaaaaaayyy

Sunday - not a fun day!!!!

Another day, not just any day but a sunday. and what am i doing ? Validating that whether my program is correct or not , that too in the office, what a fun !!!!!!. I too have become a CORPORATE WHORE any day is a just business day for me.
The definition of fun varies for everyone . I enjoy a nice cozy bed with a fluffy pillows and pin drop silence, i can go snoozing for hours like this. This is my idea of fun . But today i lost this for the may be for first and last time . Work is good . Only between monday and friday and rest two days its better to be doing nothing than going to theCORPORATE OFFICE. Or else do something like i do now called CORPORATE OFFICE blogging ... :)
Strange, never in my life i have done anything on a sunday. But what do i used to do on sundays, chat with friends ,sleep, watch movies and birds and then ??? nothing by the time i do all these things the day is almost over. For eg last sunday was no different saw some mallu movie which bored me to death but like a Phoenix i resurrected again to watch all other worst movies but alas today i wont be. Because its CORPORATE SUNDAY and its not a fun day.

GRE - Ghostly ride entrusted

March 23,2006 - not like just another day . It was or might be the D day of my life. I gave my GRE on this wonderful day. Somewhere in the ETS site its not said to be there at the test centre half an hour before the appointment time - and as usual i was there not just half an hour before but a more than that. I was of the fear that i might missthe GRE bus if late but in the end i did miss it by around 80 pts .
It was 4 hours ordeal and i havent taken any test for that much time in my life but for one time(i believe ) its fun. The first session was writing about an Issue for which i gave a lucid and long writing of around 650 words now if there is point reduction for the essay being lengthy then i might loose some . The second session was more interesting than the first one . As i am always best in analysing the arguement i gave a decent shot about why i would end up having a low score in this session. Maths was always my favourite and it never ever have ditched me . The standard of the questions were of CAT and i was literally sweating in that Air conditioned room. At one point of time i thought why i took GRE itself i could have done with the CAT . Then it became all foggy and i was in a transcended state. From then on i didnt have any problem marking the bubbles you know why ? because i still remembered 'inky pinky ponky, father had a donkey,.........' . I dont know when i finished it and suddenly the verbal section started. Even if i had the OXFORD Dictionary besides me i would still have marked the wrong answer . But the twist in the tale was that i was able to answer it most of them ( rather i think i answered them correctly) . I was just cruising along then the a long paragraph poped up in front : - a reading Comphrension , this thing you not only need to read but also to comprehend , I bet on my life even the author of these didnt have a clue thats why they gave us to COMPREHEND. If any GRE guy is looking for anyone of these kind i got a clue of where to find them - Look out for any national level mental asylum . The ordeal extended for 20 min more and then it ended in subdued manner. Like 'THE END' part comes for a movie the score submission part came, i thought for a sec 'i dont know about the writing, i screwed up the quant, i am looser in the verbal(even though it was better than ever) should i ??" my index finger guided itself to the enter key and alas i had done it .
I scored 1320/1600 540/800 - verbal 780/800 -Quant. Now dont ask me how it happened . Thats why i still holds my golden rule ' Never expect anything' - Ghostly ride thus came to its finale. And i quietly left the room, may be some university would accept me, as a NITian with a flare to dare and shake things . The journey however rusty wont end here. right??

Install,Deliverables........Issues
Every month or so there is this big blast which takes you on the toes and shoot upward-its the install time. Every sopware proffessionals nightmare and a reason for a nightout !!!! For me today is that D day.For last couple of days i am going at wee hours with just having butterflies in the stomach of expecting whats there for me tomorrow!!!
When IBM says that line"change of plan" it makes me think whats this ON DEMAND business. you DEMAND from the other end(ONSITE) and plans go CHANGING at the other end(OFFSHORE) - nice jargon and good ad too but concept..... kills the already flagging and paltry guy . But everybody say change is inevitable and insensitve too according to me. i dont know why my mind goes over and over to the change of plan . I change a lot and still in search of my self ah .... i got it ... you are crazy ya maan who is not??? and all these changes what would they do ultimately make - a demented moron who nods his head for whosever.
Finally the change has arrived and i got to do it by EOD ( another idiotic sopware term, i think it should be EOYD-End of your Day!!!). And then you slog your ass till it get warm and round for what ??? may be a couple of buck but other end what you loose - a walk in the beach with girl beside ,a chat with your buddy , a lunch with your old mates in Dhaaba ...etc. All these are now dreams, once upon a time i was like that and now ?? ya man ..another mail just poped up another change of plan i guess!!!!

And Finally......
And finally i have done what my mum has been asking for quite some time - i bought the table. Now it would be another story whether i would be going to study on it. But proving all my critics wrong i got up in the morning and started my 'mugging' well not bad considering the fact that last time i got up at 5 o clock in the morning was around 4 years back - i dont know why i broke my sleep that day but god when are you going to reimburse that wee hours for me???
people say the world has gone 'mobile' but i am trying to become immobile and you know what its best not to have a mobile in your hand, reasons for it - a million, you dont get unnecessary phone calls like from your boss, from your GF etc.... well if you do want one at the cost of not actually posessing it make a friend who will be your bridge to the 'mobile' world.

The Friday Fever

Today is friday, what am i going to do after 6. Jasu has gone home for his bro marriage: hope he doesnt end up tying a knot over there. so that entertainment gone . so whats next...ummm yupie ...i will cover half the word list today and tomorrow morning the analogy session. Oh god! right now itself i am havng rumbles in stomach, hardly a month to go and then ......no ..that will seal my fate of what i would become.

I am have been dreaming a lot about what would happen to me in the end. I believe in moving ahead and being stranded and stagnent here makes me very much obsifucated, you know why ? because i know what i want but i dont have the will to follow it . Its a perfect paradise for me still i live like in hell with nightmares of failures around and swaying accross my feet now and then .
i know my time will come but right now if you ask me i am tiried of waiting .

but what to do ? JUST WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey my colleague is peeping in ...let me finish it off.....

Pressure of doing nothing

yup...i am doing nothing . Just sitting like a lame duck on this cozy chair of mine. Being a sopware professional i just have to know how to Copy-Paste- thanks Bill, I admire you the most for that particular utility of yours.

Its been arond 8 months since i have got out of the college but still i feel its warmth and care. I am so missing it all. Even there i was doing nothing in the final sem but even that nothingness didnt have any pressure!!!!

when you are thrown at the so called life suddenly you starts to think what you need from it . For me i am still in that on going process.....i care a little about the money and all the other wordly thing, that doesnt mean i am not a human yup a human with a care for nothing.

Today is friday and all i am waiting for is to get out of this wretched place. well 4 more hours to go. and then bingo!!! its off for two days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!