I don't know.

“And what would you say when the same dream comes to you, repeatedly day after day, for 8 years” he sounded desperate.

And desperate was he.

“May you yourself created that obsession, until it got embossed somewhere in your sub conscious that she is the one”. She said from the other end of the phone.

“May be I created, but somewhere there was this belief that I was right, because not everything is logical and cannot be explained.”, He wanted to say it loud, but somewhere in his throat, that voice caught trapped and it never came out.

“I need to go, its getting late”. He wanted to avoid this conversation, as usual.

“Ok, then…. good night, take care.” She too had enough of it.

There were numerous things he failed to understand. Or rather he didn’t want to be understood.

During all these failures, he was acting according to the norms and pragmatics. But, nevertheless, it....... failed.

And that’s when he learned logic doesn't always gives you an explanation of about what’s happening. The more he tried to decipher it, the more muddled it became.

And that’s when he started believing it. Just like that. And he knew that its quite an impossible task to make somebody understand what one believes in. Only thing he can show them is how to live through it. And yes, he had to live through it, because only he believes in it.

PS:I know ...it sucks !!!

pic Courtsey:Bakfire

Review

Sid...what do you think...?, would you accept this paper or not? . Prof was curious to know.

And there stopped his heart. "Yes. I would." He said hesitantly.

"Why? ". Prof was curious again.
"It had a better result than the baseline, and idea xyz was indeed a stroke of genius". He didnt know from where these words were coming.

For that last comment, all 28 pair of eyes of young and old researchers turned towards him. He melted in that last row seat....like a wax.

He was happy to go unnoticed in these meeting in last seat, until that moment, when his Prof thought he was sleeping during that lecture. Prof was discussing about a research paper that came for review under his panel and he wanted to know what they thought about it.

" I agree". His prof never expected this from the last bencher.
He looked over his shoulders and beamed.


Then prof went to on to another paper. This time he was up with my ears standing, he could even hear the sound of the vibrator of his friend's phone, who was sitting two- row-in-his-front.

After the discussion, again the same question.

"I dint fully understood it sir. "He said with all his innocence.

Prof nodded and He had won that round.

Most of the people around said most of the contend went above their head.

The one hour weekly session got over very quickly before anybody could find a time to yawn...except him. And everybody started to leave except for few whose doubt wouldnt be cleared in their life time. Like bees buzzing around the hive, they surrounded the prof.

He waited till all the commotion was over.

"Sir"..... "yes".

"Did you accept that first paper". He asked him.

He smiled and said that he did. He too was happy,but didnt know for what ...may be some kind of hidden sense of achievement.

As he was leaving, prof added "I too didnt understood that second paper when i read it for the first time" . This time his joy was all over his face.

He decided not sit in that last bench anymore.

What if....


What if god made only one woman for your life.

What if you met that woman one day.

What if you understood it was her.

What if you loved her so much that you didn't know how to express it.

What if one day she said good bye and left you.

What if you thought she would come back one day.

What if you waited so long that everybody thought you were going insane.

What if one day you knew she would never come back.

What if ....

picture courtesy:Mike

Totally misunderstood!

You cut my call???? she fumed.
Do you what it means when a guy hangs a girl's phone?? I was speechless on the other side.

I....sorry....am......I ...dddint...meanttt...you ...knnnowww..

And mind your language when talking to a girl !! how can you use such a derogatory language....
do you know what it means...it means good for nothing. Am I something like that ???" Now I was sweating inside that air conditioned room.

when did i use any word like that??? - I was racking my skull.

You better change your talking style Mr, grow up!!! The mercury had crossed normal limits long a ago.

And without saying anything more she just hanged the phone.

I was trying to comprehend what had just happened. After a minute or two I regained my conscious self.

"What did i do?" just like any other guy's thought. Gals - do we really belong to same species?

Broken Promises.

Promises are meant to be broken. And he broke one again.

He called her.

May be he shouldn't have called, but he had to hear that voice one last time, before she was somebody else.

He didn't had to remember the number, only forgotten needs to be remembered.

As the ring went on the other side, he prayed that she never pick it up, because whatever he prayed for.... never happened.

Her voice hadn't changed, he could see those lines across the lips while saying that,he didnt have to see her, for she was always there.


"Hello!" he said, he didn't quiver.

"Do you recognize me?" what an absurd question!!

After a brief pause " is it Sid?" she asked.

He started counting the years..... 4 in this May and still she remembers,........ and all these years he thought only he didn't forget.

A new beginning..

It was raining on that day. And it was raining after a long dry spell. The smell of the warm earth washing away its aridness was ecstatic. I was sitting near the window with a coffee in my hand. The power had gone and the sound of thousands of droplets falling was carving a soothing music. I loved rain very much. Back at home, I used to watch it for hours from my easy chair. I saw different patterns of rivulets in making as quickly as it washed away. And harmonic acoustics that played in between sometime made me a conductor, during that time I was the Mozart and I was the Beethoven. Sometimes tiny bits of moisture made its way onto my face, like as if we were playing hide and seek. Years later when I bought my first bike, rain was another experience. Then we played robber and police, from far behind, through my rear view mirror I could see it coming. I would accelerate to beat it and may win for a few streets but eventually it would catch me. And I still remember, it would rain on the day I would have washed my bike, making it all muddy again. Ha ha ha I miss my bike and I miss the rain that made it muddy. But there was time when I hated rain, when I would curse with all the foul words that I knew against it. Those were days when I hated white colour too, on Wednesdays we had this physical training classes where it was compulsory to wear all white – I hated Wednesday too then. Like an uninvited guest, rain would come from the north and make my dress all spoiled, later that day my mother would be bashing me up for no cause of mine. But over the years I developed a relation with the rain which howsoever large umbrella tried to stop, waned into nothingness. And one among the few things I always dream is driving alone along a high Tropical Mountain in the company of a drizzle and stopping near road side shack for having a hot cup of tea. I loved that rain as it always takes me to my utopia.

But somehow the rain in front of me was different, it was not dancing to some tune made in heaven , it was as if pouring down just to wash away the dryness and make the earth ready for next harvest. Not far from my window there is a giant tree and during spring it used to bear beautiful yellow flowers. The tree was so huge that I never thought I could miss it at any time of the day. But in this rain I tried hard to see it, but I couldn’t. Infact I couldn’t see anything beyond five feet.

Maybe it rained for hours, when I woke up my coffee was cold. And not very far I could see that giant tree. But everything had changed; there was freshness which had avoided the place long time ago. Power had come back, I had forgotten to switch of the television and weatherman saying about slight chances of a drizzle that evening.

And I forgot.

There are decisions that make you think after years later.
And that time, you would say "I wish I hadn't...".
Life gives you many like that, but it just moves on ....to make a retrospection some time ahead.
Only common thing i find are the retrospection that we make from time to time, Whether it was right or wrong - it doesn't matter at all.

And right now, I am not taking a peep into the past, but into the future. To know if i would subject this decision for retrospection years later.......and i conclude that I would. And whatever the decision, i believe only time could tell if it was right or wrong. And even if it was right, my mind would definitely looking for a better right then....after all, I am a mere human.


Never to remember, forgotten she will be...from this moment.
Chapters of years to come, written with tears of yester...starts now.
Life been never easy, and easy doesn't i assume further.....just moving ahead.
But forgotten she should be, lest i remember her always....
To sleep I am going, with dreams for sure.....but not her though.

zeros and my life.

Drowsy look, almost bald head, bulging eyes, dark circle and to compliment all these - stinking,dirty white shirt. The picture you get: a highly intelligent and nerdy studyaholic

But alas except for such a look on some days, I am no where near those last said adjectives.

Take 1: Pattern recognition Mid semester exam.

Only during exam I enter the lecture hall before time.Reason: to get those precious "safe zones" for sitting. But alas some crooks also thinks like me and there I was on the first bench!


Prof. come in with the holy grail, and distribute one drop in the most judicious way so as to save institute and his household a penny or more.
what?? was this in the syllabus, ...syllabus- there is nothing like that over here. Aha! I know the second one - but sh*t i forgot to bring the calculator. 3rd ,4th -the question itself is page long, i wonder how long would the answer be!!!....at least i should do the last question - what in the world is the projection of perpendicular to a hyperplane got to do with the margin of SVM(non techies:support vector machines, and no they are not machines! another computer naming gimmick )?????
The exam was out of 15 marks and I had to complete in one hour: well if did know how to complete those problems in one hour i would never have been here in the first place!

And before I could think(imagine!) one hour was over. If I was STUDYING the same subject it would have felt like I was sitting for hours even if it was few minutes, but during exam time its the inverse proportionality that runs!!!!

I never had a blank paper (off course everybody can lie and in gates of heaven, i know, he will forgive me for telling one more!).Prof gave me a stare after seeing my paper - I was ashed down and cremated to eternity then and there.

Thus came my FIRST zero(lord pardon me for this one too!)

Take 2: web mining and information retrieval Mid semester exam.

Mother called me in the morning to tell me that i am having a bad time according to my horoscope.She paid 250bucks for knowing that from an astrologer. Well I knew it two days before itself. Only thing to know was how bad it will get.

After a break of 2 days I was all pumped up(to run away!) for this exam.
Everybody said the paper would be nothing but probability and vector calculus, sounds interesting eh? (in a loud speaker:HELP!!!!!) . And to avoid mental blocks when you see that sign of nemesis (pr()- read probability of) you need to be calm and composed - well that was the advice from well pundits of this field. So conclusion was that to watch as many new releases possible and roam around the campus without taking a peek into at least the basic syllabus.
But things weren't that easy...How to make yourself composed when you are bombarded with poisoned arrow that corrupts your mind in believing just one possibility among N propositions - again probability theory .

When prof gave me the question ...uh question-cum-answer sheet i was surprised to see a THINKS TO READ stuff before the questions started.

1. Answers(if solved of course) should be given in the space provided
2. incoherent or illogical answer(if anything comes into ur woody brain!) will be penalized with negative credit and worse than not answering(you said you take it!)
3. Dont ask for extra rough sheet, given is sufficient(well i write in large font)

After threat and warnings I looked the black board. There was a caution " question are in approx easy first order". well that would save some time.

so I don't have to start from the last question as i do(Lord forgive me for that one!)

Question 1: is that english ? what language is that ? sure there is spelling or font mistake!! If this is the case for first question , god save me from massacre!
Question 2: contains 5 sub questions with each next pointing to the answer from the previous question - clever i would say. damn doesn't he want to answer any of these questions????
Question 3,4,5 - I didn't know any!

The more i tried to concentrate, i became all the more confused. The probability of choosing correct probability was thinning down with high probability!! And the only probability left to calculate after 2 hours was whether i would be getting a zero or a negative mark. But aint I smart ? I didn't answer any of them- phew! saved the shame of getting a negative mark(I swear I haven't got a negative mark in my whole life so far!!!)

Just when I thought 2 hrs is finally going to be over. Prof says in a stentorian voice " I know the paper was tough, so here is your bonus - you can take 90 more minutes." Oh man! the paper is seriously tough and damn I need to sit here for another one and half hours more.

So I sat and counted seconds inside those one and half hours dreaming about my upcoming zero.

Take 3: Now dont tell me I will be getting one more of that wonderful ancient Indian masterpiece !! Damn the one who invented zero, no wonder nobody knows him...after all he has been cursed so many times !

2008: Something to forget....

All the things that you did, or wished to do.
All the things that you remembered, or remembered to forget.
All the things that changed, or changed to change.

I wish I was just a mere drop in the rivulet that fell from high above into the eternity below. To be with you again is my wish and so couldn't I in that year.

In the hope of meeting you starts a new year and year after year I cherish the same new year resolution : to be with you, to walk on our breezy beach, to see the sunset once again.

Melancholy night asked me not to dream, because dreams, she says, are for the ones who has lost hope. But here i am, waiting to see you again as ever as last year and may be the next .......until that day.

Paradox it may be but moment after moment I remember you lest I forget you. And when I meet you I will have stories to tell you.

Oh 2009 , I look forward for you.

My inspiration: a lovely piece of music

Once again...

Sand walls with its air of misty musk welcomed him again.

The gharana hadn’t changed a bit, but there was no resounding voice of khansahib to greet him this time, instead his old mellowed tampura was there. Besides it was a lamp that sometimes flickered by the unannounced gentle breeze that came through the veranda. “Have some chai” tai said in her usual caring tone from behind. She made the best chai he ever had, after every hour khansahib used to call tai for a chai and she, like an obedient wife, would get him one within minutes, whether it be dawn or midnight. Sometime he too used to get a cup. He missed those days…dearly.

Bhoop, Bihagda ,Bhairavi …..khayals, taans ….whatever khansahib taught him flashed like it was yesterday. He missed them, and khansahib loss was something irreparable to him.He didnt know what , but there was void, Just like as if furniture had been taken away from your home. He remembered the first time when his mother forcefully carried him all the way from cricket ground to this courtyard. He detested it and in fact had cursed his mother and khansahib endless time in his mind.

But that was long ago, somewhere in between there was a time when he would even bunk school to be with Khansahib. He still vividly remembered his first live performance, behind khansahib on tempura after his splendid discourse, it was his turn. He started off in purvi raga although there was flattening at the first he thought it went well, until after coming from the concert, when khansahib made him sing the raga for more than 4 hours at a stretch. Somewhere in between, with all those thousand compromises he made with life, Music was also unconditionally left out.

After spending another one hour there he prepared to leave, when tai gave him a present. It was small dilapidated note book. “He wanted you to have it” tai said. It was his music notes, some composition, drupads from his master. He eyes swelled with tears, without saying a goodbye to tai he walked away.It was already getting dark, and from behind, he thought he heard a faint sound of a tampura. He stopped and turned back. Tai waved him good bye.

Reference: Namita Devidayal ,The music room

I will retaliate

This is my country. It is my duty to protect her and yet again I failed. I don’t blame anybody, I don’t blame the politicians, I don’t blame the intelligence and I don’t blame the system. I blame myself. It was my failure to protect her, it was my inability rather it was my complacency that gave away her this time.

But let me assure you, if you are reading this, let the message be clear. I don’t want to see anymore blood stained roads, I don’t want to see anymore charred bodies, I don’t want to see anymore wailing of my mothers and sisters. I don’t want to see all this anymore.
Time for being laid back and switching the channels and consoling myself that it’s not me out there who lost his life is over.

Remember we too are human, the limit of patience that I have is same as yours and its same adrenaline that pumps my temper. Deep down there is something even I don’t like to see. Now, time for you to choose is over and it’s my turn. And If choose, god forbid, that ugly face over diplomacy there won’t be no tomorrow for you.

I promise that.

So stop messing with my nation and get the bloody FUCK out of my country.

Jai Hind!

A dedication

Memories are wonderful things if you don’t have to deal with the past.

Dedicated to my memories......sweet and bitter.

Falling leaves of December,

May I ask if you permit?

While you are not here,

Where ll be the shade I am in.

Falling leaves of December,

May I know where you are going?

In that distant horizon, carried by misty breeze,

Who will be there with me when you are gone?

Falling leaves of December,

Leave me not, for I ll be all alone.

Falling leaves of December,

Leave me not, for there are none but you.

Another mistake....

4 years had passed since we last met.

I was tensed. My heart was pumping in a rhythm that showed the unrest in me, yes I wanted to see her but was unaware how she would take it.

Destiny played it best to avert such a meeting, but somewhere, with a golden pen it was already written and whatever the forces that tried to ebb it away… failed.

In that corridor, in the midst of pain and anguish, I saw her.
In that divine white coat, she was an angel for everybody in pain …..And for me too.

Countless neurons calculated and recalculated the next decision…turn and walk away.

Before by reflexes could get accustomed and agree to it, she saw me.

From the midst of aching and wailing bodies, she waved me to wait, with that ever intriguing smile.

I nodded, even before I could think.
…………………………………………………………….

May she would have come to the end of that long corridor, to find the empty white bench.

Life had many mistakes; I had added one more to it then.

Unanswered...

Someday, yes... , someday I will meet her.

Then too, I will be having the same question as of today.

By then, May be I would be a little slow but surely, I would articulate in a better way.

I would have phrased and rephrased it a thousand times in mind by then,huh…just like what I am doing right now.

And yes, I would have a little hesitation that would be there if she was in front of me right now, right here.

I know it would be late …but then life, as somebody rightfully said, is just memories. Along with myriads of them, this would be just another one.

Every day I get up with a hope that today would be day and every night, before going to sleep I hope it would be tomorrow.

I know what she would say,….. just another lie .

And I know what I would do then…..simply turn around and walk away.

But when I meet her, I need to ask her that.

A Tribute to Tagore

I write about the personal and my alter life in my blog, but this time I simply wanted to put something that i stumbled upon.

Stream of Life

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth in numberless blades of grass and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life. And my pride is from the lifethrob of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

Hats off to the great poet!!!!!
This is what prompted me :->Here you go

Huh!

I don’t understand many things in life. I don’t learn many things from my life. Moreover I don’t learn from my mistakes. Yet I am complete …but in an incomplete way. I know what is wrong …but sometimes doesn’t see what is right. I see everything …yet I fail to see subtle nothings.

I am just living…but in a utopia. I know the rules ….but a different set govern me. I succeed in most of my endeavors …yet I am hiding. I am here yet running …..To somewhere….to where? I don’t know.

I am in love, I was in love…. and painfully I realized I will be in love forever, because I don’t know what love is. To forget somebody who always comes as mist of remembrance, is it possible? I don’t know, yet I know that I will never know. I don’t where she is or what she is doing, She even doesn’t know my existence yet I love her from bottom of my heart…truly, madly ,deeply.

I am sane but sanity is the very same insanity that drives me. I not crazy, yet acts like no normal. I believe things which others reject as axioms which cannot be substantiated. I am confused, yet what I do is right, People cannot call that luck because fortune never blesses the damned.

I enjoy life, every moment… Yet feels it empty.

I am waiting ….waiting, may be forever…for what? I don’t know.

Cynicistic Paradox

Its 9:40 in the night.16 pairs of eyes were looking at the doorway.
Professor is late . late by 10 min. It not unusual, but a day before independence day and that too in the night for a class that's going to stretch for the next,if unfortunate, one and half hours, it is a close call of limits.

They were not disappointed.

Like a storming wind he barged in . Plugged in the lap top and the show began.

Straight on the board. "If we fail to prove something then Negation of that something is assumed to be true"

"I want you all to analyse this statement and come up with the meaning " . he asked in a low whisper like voice.

He wondered whether it was really a technical course or some course of psychology that he was attending.

"Are the resources introduced into subject of being failed" somebody from the left of him asked.
"What???" his stomach started to roll, what did he mean...

"You are provided with infinite time and space for the quest." He answered while cleaning his black rimmed spectacles.

"What is the idea of being true? I mean how do you judge what is true" .
"Vidyut, truth is the deduction based on the facts" professor said with a wink.

"In the absence of any evidence to the contrary a proposition is assumed to be true".
somebody from the back row shouted.

Bingo! he said with his usual tinker of both index fingers.

"So what does that prove....?"

But sir..." came a low husky kind of voice , with a low confident note from the right corner.

"yes...". professor was getting impatient.

"I think that sentence itself is contradicting"

everybody turned back.
"another nerd" he thought.

"And how it may be .." Prof was curious.
"because if we fail to prove something , for negation of that something to be true ...it should be false for that something." He said with an air of supremacy.

The class dropped into pin drop silence.

The professor just stared into the board. You could hear the ululation of the fan.