The conversation

"FATHER SERIOUSLY ILL, START IMMEDIATELY"
The coolest guy(i know) who knows me like an unknown said in the most serious voice he could deliver.
My hands didn't tremble

My voice didn't quiver.

I didn't muster all my courage to utter the next word.

Dad!!!!

a boisterous laugh came from the other end.

When are you coming ???
on Saturday.
which year ???now it was my turn to laugh.
at 6:30 am on 20Th Oct,2007, you can find me on your doorstep.
otherwise?
trust me dad!
should i, considering you are my son. He said with a flick.
i will be there.

And here i am, ready to go.

Beyond the empty Spaces

I write. Though not continuously. There are blank spaces in between the words. An emptiness that doesn’t have continuity… They are white in color. And if you gaze at them with a purpose, they would tell you a million stories…. About me….those blank white spaces. Yet they are necessary evil, the one that completes my sentence because otherwise, as said by one of my friend, the sentence would be incomplete. An incoherency removed by adding uneven emptiness.

Every sentence I begin with on the opening page starts with a capital letter .But sometimes, while on a writing spree, I forget to make them in caps when I start a new line, but text editor, like a guide, tells me to change them now and then…..there are quite many who asks me to change. Just like I sometimes avoid the editor telling me what to make small and what to make big, I simply ignore them. But, yes, I do consider them.

In the end, there is the full stop. The sentences that are churned out, without a second thought, always end with them. And they are so placed with an intention. They complete the meaning….. Sometimes the confusion. But I decide where to place them; after all, it’s me who decides my life.

The Final Hour

'Eyes Scanning across.... its difficult..... But then you came here for nothing'. The man in spectacles thought.

'The last one was sad. It put me to sleep everytimes i took it up.' The Lady in the blue saree reasoned .

'How the hell could he stand here in between these dusty racks..but i love him...i have to be here or else he will be disappointed. 'The foriegn lady with bare minimum clothes looked back at her boy friend.

Just one hour left. And it will get closed for the day.

Just one more hour to choose the 2 books for coming 2 weeks.

Just one hour to decide whether it would make me wide awake or make me sleep as soon as i pick it up.

Just one hour to decide what somebody unknown has to say to me about someone in the coming 2 weeks.

Just one hour to decide the future that would sometimes make my strange smile come back on my lips when i flip the last page.

Life is never fair , isnt it ?

With Regards, BakFire.

To: Anon
From:Bakfire
Life has to be bad sometime in order to feel the good things...

To:Bakfire
From:Anon
You are right in your observation but at times the bad phase runs so long that good time seem like a distant memory (at times even an illusion). It is in those times you start thinking that life is not good at all. And when like everything else, bad phase also ends, u realize that life isn’t so bad after all:)
Watsay?

To: Anon
From:Bakfire
Hmmm....for sec I thought you are saying about me, but tell you the truth ...the best thing about that kind of life is that you stop expecting. And once you stop expecting there is nothing called bad and good coming in your way ...it’s all the same. You just do things because you feel like doing.... you are not worried about the repercussions or being wrong.... you just move ahead. And that is a great feeling. You sense the true feeling of being independent.

To:Bakfire
From:Anon
There are two ways to reach that stage of no-expectations:
1. You understand that expectations lead to unnecessary burden n even disappointments at times
2. You have lost hope. You just don’t give a damn
What you are taking about is the 2nd case n that isn’t good. You loose your jest for life and now there is absolutely nothing that you hold dear or care for.

To: Anon
From:Bakfire
Bingo! You are smart...! Nice inference. But may I object please...
Hope being a quintessential necessity, there is no possible life afterwards.... so your 2nd point become invalid as the subject of that matter would possibly have passed away.
Coming to your first one.... you are correct. Though partially. You can also stop expecting if everything comes your way without any hiccups...and that is the worst of all.

To:Bakfire
From:Anon
I don’t agree to any of this Bakfire.
I have actually seen people without any hope for anything they do. they move without destination, they eat without bothering what they are eating. They are just not bothered and they have no hope of life. They are living because they are breathing and somehow they dont know how to stop that breathing... jaisa chal raha hai chalta rahe...I have actually met at least one such person. Even though it was like talking to a zombie, the guy was nevertheless breathing n living.
As for everything coming your way, well that in indeed the worst of all coz then your expectations go on an all time high. They are not mere expectations anymore. you take the expected result to be a natural obvious one..ye toh hona hi hai. You take it for granted without a slightest doubt of failure. Its indeed the worst of all coz in such a mind frame when you fall, most often den not, You are not able to rise again.

To: Anon
From:Bakfire
Well how to put it.... you got a nice way of analyzing things around. But Let me give you another ball to juggle with. What if the person you say is confused. He is having a hope but he is confused. Go thru a term called Quarter Life crisis. Sometimes in people it extends for long period. And that should not be taken for loosing hope. Because loosing hope is THE END.

About high expectation class.... you don’t fall, even after you try so hard. It’s like a curse, a devilish encroachment of your destiny to deny all twists. You rarely come across this .yes may be one day there is fall. But as i said in the beginning life has to be bad sometime in order to feel the good things... :)

Love,Sex and Death

“I didn’t have sex yet” My friend howled from back.
“Why are you saying that to me now??” I howled back. It is very difficult to talk while riding a bike you know. And moreover when your ego is being cashed by guy who overtook you, it’s virtually impossible to think straight.
“I don’t want to die without having sex” He howled again.

For the sake of sex(ah!) my pulsar 180 reduced its RPM, after all its definitely male !
“Who knows death is more pleasurable than sex” I reasoned.
“But then if otherwise I do have a choice. I ll have sex then experience death” he had a point.
“Do you actually want to have sex or just make love?” I wanted to ask. But hands from ether knitted my mouths before it spelled out.
Make love – I don’t know who coined that term. How do you possibly make love? Love just happens if you try to make it, is it love?
Reasons unknown, fate unknown, perdition/existence unknown – just a sense of being in love is the only absolute; I just love it!!!

Yet again.....

2 years is a long time. People change, as well as places also. Back then, the city was not this much crowded. There were concrete structure everywhere and an urban tag hung loose in slippery wet paint. Vehicles with registration number from all over the county plied across with a haste to catch up the one in the front. Everybody was busy. The city had lost his sheen. Only thing that reminded of the old city was the beautiful climate which itself, sometimes, felt like coughing and brooding over his majestic lost glory.

Welcome to Bangalore.

Somehow through the menacing traffic he reached there. Every body had already arrived. He was the last, as usual. Back in college, the professor would have shouted for coming this late but not today. “yaar, tu bilkul nahi badla(dude, you haven’t changed at all)” Shagun said with his resonating voice. One after another followed the suit. They hadn’t changed, he thought. He felt like back to where he belongs, after a long time.

Time swept across, day became night and even crossed midnight, but nobody slept. They were here not to sleep. They all had everything they aspired for: a good career, money and a life. He too seemed normal like them until the question was raised. “Why are you like this?” So many people had asked him this but then he didn’t have the answer. He never had the answer. But then some questions cannot be answered. It simply comes in one category. “I don’t know”, he said with a fake smile. And they never asked him again.

Everything had indeed changed.

The fun part.....

I ogled. She didn’t see.
She did the same. I pretended not to see.
I want to flash a smile, A sign of recognition. But she wouldn’t turn to my side.
Pickup lines clouded my thought process, it then became hazy. Then I jumped ahead.
“Would you mind buying me a coffee?”
She stared. “uh…..”.
“Ok then, let me buy you one….” I said with my ill famous naughty smile.
Now, she removed her Versace glasses to stare…even more beautifully.
“Tea also no problem…..but please…. I know begging is humiliating, but I don’t care..”
She didn’t hesitate anymore.
The finger was up.
No, not the one I expected, but the one with the golden ring on it.
“I am married”. She said, may be with a dismal which she didn’t want to express.

This is us.....

I got drenched in the summer rain. With soaked shoes I climbed the stair towards my den.

On the top of the door it was written S1 in blue on the light brown plaster shade, the plaster from the side walls were going off. I should inform the land lady about it, I thought.

It’s locked. Where are the others? In the office?? Nah …..Partying? May be…

I turned to the opposite flat ‘S4’, without any mercy, pressed the calling bell. I could hear a chair being pushed back and the slacked sound of a lazy feet coming to the door step.

“Keys uncle.” I say with a little respect and warm smile, you know why? He is the spy our land lady has arranged for keeping an eye on our “business”.

He already had the key which he gives me in haste so that he won’t miss the never-ending-soap that he was watching. And even before I say my rare ‘thank you’, the door just closes with a bang.

It’s the same pair of keys that our land lady gave to us 2 years back. She, then, had asked to replace the godrej lock, which still is guarding our fort faithfully .I smirk.

The doors open with creaky sound and into darkness I enter. Oh! It’s so beautiful.
With fumbling wet hands I search for the master switch and turn it on. Again I am safe, I didn’t get electrocuted.

The light after darkness blinded me for second then I adjust myself to the reality. The messy reality. I dont have to switch on any switch, every thing has been on from yesterday night.

I throw my shoes to dunes in the corner, way far from the shoe rack. Chaos is beautiful. In that mountain of shoes, it would take me at least 10 min to find the right pair. For the pair socks, I am thankful that there is no rule that we should wear a matching pair.

Neatly pressed clothes lay on the floor adjacent to door, the ones in the bottom is already getting dirty, but since we are adamant about giving a daily 1 hr task to our maid I don’t complain. I remove my wet clothes and recollect the day I was born and again come back to civilized world by putting on my boxers. The curtain to the next building was still open. Yes, it’s a free show.

The old coffee mug promoted ash tray lay on the floor with hundred and one cigarette stubs in it. I search for the TV remote. We love to archive our belongings on the table so that we don’t have to search anywhere else. I begin my search. Yester newspaper, magazines, id cards, watches, CDs, resumes, novels, cigarette packs….and finally a group of remotes for the all the electronic gadgets present in working/non working state… I delicately take TV one with both my hands, I don’t want to disrupt the equilibrium, because it works according to its mercy. I jam my fingers on the red button and wait. Nothing happens. I tap first gently and then when it fails, bang violently. No batteries. I curse my roomies. One after another, all the remotes are opened – no batteries. Should I buy one? Nah…..anyway it’s the time for them to come, I check the clock which stopped at 11:00 am a year way back. Reason: no batteries. I smile.

I turn back to the only thing that works without any hiccups (at present) – the speaker and the Ipod.

“In the end…..” Linkin park says our state loud and clear.

Welcome to bachelors world!

B – Bad boy.

Its ringing again, he should have enrolled for the evening class!!!

“Oye you got class!! “ I try not to show my anger at him.

Wake up, or else you ll miss the bus

huh….5 more minutes…

Oh god! Wont this thing stops ringing.

Should I go to office or not?

I guess its already late

May be I ll go in the late shuttle.

Now who is ring at the door – ah the maid, let somebody else open the door

Why cant he put that curtain on, the glare is too much to bear.

“B get up.. lets go for a swim.” He exclaim.

I peep out of my den with a complete emptiness.

“Huh….umm….I am already late for the office.” I say with a wearing tone

“On a Saturday???”

I pull back my covers…again.

That letter I never wrote.

Dear …..,

I never knew when it happened or how it happened. I thought I was hard and invincible and am above the forces of nature. But cupid wouldn’t let me live an uncommon life of a common man. And for that arrow that struck my heart you reside in me with a joyful pain of love.

From the rainy day of June when I first saw you to yesterday’s sweet laughter with which you kept the phone, you gave me memories that I like to live in for ever and ever. With you around I want to count the lives that every second holds in my breath. Never have I felt alone when I was far away – your breath was always there to keep me warm and to tell me about eternity that we would live.

Sun is setting down, a day of my chapter closing with twinkle of your smile to dream for. I wish the life would be like this forever.

PS: I am stopping here; I am so bad in it!!!!!!

Love,
B…

Off-Court..

She says Rafa is better than Roger. She lays out a million instances for his glory - About his mastery on clay, his agility, his stamina, his hunger for victory. And this year, she continuous, it will be Rafa and his Corrida in Rolland Garros and after this year it would be just Rafa’s Capote that French people would talk of.

He just sits back and listens.

She then goes to say about the serve, the fastest servers, and the unbelievable -the one that curve into, the one that eludes you by a whisker and then she moves on the great match, grand slam matches that he hasn’t even heard off. He wondered if there is any thing else in this female’s mind apart from Tennis!!

Then, again, she comes back to Rafa. She says about his Girl friend, his role model and writes another masterpiece with ever inexhaustible vocabulary.
He thinks she was born on a tennis court with Rafa as the midwife (or mid husband!!).

For second she becomes silent. And he just grabs that opportunity.

“Were you in the college tennis team or something like that? “ He was genuinely curious.

“No…I was not that…athletic” – she tries to reason.

Now his eagerness prompts “Have you watched any matches – maybe Chennai open?”

“No..never… I didn’t have the company to go last time …” She says with despair.

“Have you ever seen a tennis court?” He mocks.

She doesn’t reply. Only silence answers in its vague, yet emotional way.

He bites his lips; he knew he had asked the wrong question. Catastrophe caused couldn’t be undone yet he asks “let’s make the next team outing to Rolland Garros and see Federer winning it!!”

She turns around with glimmer in her eyes and says “Correction, Rafa winning it!!”

From the page i missed.....

He used to sit in the 3rd bench and I on the 4th. We met there, in the tuition class, but we knew we had met before- where and when we didn’t know. But it was for sure that we had met before.

While going back we either boarded the same bus or he would come with us in my car. Curses about the teachers then sprung in the air,Unchecked by my dad, as he too didn’t like Math and chemistry. He never knew where I stayed. He always got down in the middle. And he got out from the tuition class in the middle too.
When professor asked for the reason, he shyly said he wanted to prepare for JEE. In our part of the country only People with insane mind go for IIT the rest of the insanes get satisfied with NIT or other state colleges. But he wasn’t insane.

After that I saw him for the IIT screening, which I humbly wrote because I was supposed to write it as my mothers friends sibling were fighting for it. For unbounded forces and the deep integration which that paper heralded at me, I should have ran away from that examination hall. But I stayed. After the exam I saw him in the middle of the crowd fiercely arguing the correctness of his answer. An inner shame compelled me not to go there.

When the result came, his name popped out from everywhere. Those who didn’t know him claimed to be his best friends and those who knew, praised his hard work and dedication.

Then the unavoidable space of separation came between us for about 3 years.

One day when I was at home for my vacation, I read in the newspaper about an IITian getting drowned. I prayed it was not him.
But then he was always in the habit of getting down in the middle. And yes, he went in the middle, to where I still don’t know.

A second chance….

“Will you give me a second chance” .He pleaded.

“It is late now, but then, what will you do with this so called chance” It asked.

“I have to change a sequence of my life, just one...” He beamed with confidence.

“Are you sure that’s the correct one” It was trying to play with his mind.

“Umm…Ya I guess so.”

“May be its better to change today and expect for a better tomorrow than changing yesterday and expecting for a better today” again it was trying to play – with his mind.

“No I want to have a better today than a hope for a better tomorrow” He was adamant.

“Ok, so shall be it. Where do you want to change it?” It was curious.

“Let me have your ears..” Then he whispered with gleam never seen before.

Boom!!!!

He looked around and smiled.

See no more.....

I didn’t want to drive.

I wanted to be a pillion.

My bike first grunted to the inexperienced hands of my friend but then every wild animal can be Tamed and it so happened with my Bike.

Chilled breeze flew from the beach to the highway side: its going to rain, I could smell its
arrival. To make my 'unstable' equilibrium stable, I held my arms in crossed position
on his shoulder.

Then I closed my eyes.

It was a strange feeling, a feeling of not lost but in search, a feeling of complacent but for a long time, a feeling of just about to fall but into infinity

I didn’t know where I was going.

I didn’t know what would happen in the next second.

I didn’t know if somebody who knew would give me a smile of recognition.

I didn’t know whether we took a wrong turn or not.

What I did know is that somewhere the journey is going to end and I will get down safely.

Only with this belief I sat behind, waiting for the stop to come.

Chemistry in the lab

132000 – This is the number of hits that Google gets when you search for ‘Guava + experiments”. My eyes, scrolled down, following the blue hyperlinks which destined themselves in some other corner of this world.

I found what I was looking for. And the link took me back into time – once again.

I was standing alone in that silence filled huge room. The shelves around were stacked with blue and red soln and on the grey door it was written in white font on a black rectangular board – ‘Chemistry Lab’. I loved chemistry and could have spent my life time there if not my craze for physics. One by one everybody had gone home. But I was there; I needed to finish my experiment for this week. I had missed it when others were completing it because of the inter house volleyball match – which we pathetically lost: thanks to me.

Blue was the color I was looking for but don’t know why it was giving me a dark brown – experiment gone haywire. I looked at tutor’s “Basic mistake list” – Blue, shady green…ah brown: Excess of HCl . Ghosh!! I need to start it all again. I began my next level of curses for the guy who added this to the CBSE syllabus.
“This time I am going to make it “I was getting late, as usual. I put in that extra ounce of concentration. I ll find this salt. I hated salt. Didn’t know why they gave any sugar- may be because it was edible with any yuk!

Tap Tap… somebody was coming down the stair to the lab. We had our lab below the ground level. Pretty unusual, but then there was nothing usual in this school.

The foot taps then stopped.

“May be checking out for the assistant” – who had left long ago. I turned back to see who it was. Then I missed my beat.

It was her.

I turned back and tried to act as if I hadn’t heard her coming. “A drop of sulphuric acid then some water…careful …then…ah….talk to her” I knew I was going to repeat it all again.

She came and stood besides me. “ which salt?” she asked with a smile. “I don’t know…I been trying to find it for the last one hour” I said with all my eyes on the test-tube. “You?here?at this time? …let me guess …you missed your practical for this week?” “Nah..I needed some guava ..so came to ask the assist to bring it” she said with mocking smile.” What for?? I think apples are better….an apple a day keeps the doc away ”
“ and if the doc is good looking keep the apple away” she completed. I smiled.“no yaar ..its for that oxalate ion test…one of ferrous oxide” she reasoned. I looked up. I couldn’t see the sky but my head got clouded after hearing that. “Why are you looking confused” she asked. “you were talking chemistry or something else ?” I was getting naughty. “Don’t flirt ...don’t start flirting”. “That’s the new experiment we need to do for the week next…I was preparing my self” she elucidated. “how boring!!!” I didn’t say it aloud. But still I liked her.” Do you need any help?” she asked. “Ya I guess so, but I used to give chances to only lovely girls” I winked. “ don’t flirt … don’t flirt you moron!!…she is not that type” somebody was shouting in bossy voice from inside. “Oh! Is that so?…I too used give this offer to smart and handsome guys. I guess I should probably leave” she said with an irritated tone.“No wait. I was joking…please help me…I have done up to this” I showed my stat sheet.

We finished the experiment in the next 10 min or so. It was easy but not before she came.

And now when she left, it’s become all the more difficult.

We did the oxalate ion experiment together. At least partially; I just bought the guava, the rest she did.

Confused

I was checking down the lane for that stranger. But she never came, may be she came, but I never knew that she was my stranger then I stopped checking, quite reclining to myself for some or the other reason. I thought I got dejected but lately I realized with all my horrors that why I try to be elusive.
Commitment – whether it’s to follow or to fall; you need them and that’s one sure thing that I lack. I want to do something but then next moment I feel –‘ whats the use if after all these I am wrong” . This lackadaisical feeling just languishes your spirit. The dreams that I cherish aren’t big not for me but then I do not have the vigor to follow them. Half across the lane I keep running and then I stop and ponder “I have reached so far, lets stop there is no thrill anymore chasing this.”
Met across many, but heart caught trapped only once or twice and there too I paused, with a deep apprehension of being right or wrong. Only years have passed, and still, I stand the same with that sheer confusion.

But then am I right or wrong in this?

Should have...

It was a hot day, in fact an unusually hot day. His heart was racing to reach home, To escape from this scorching heat and the black dust that blurred his vision now and then. He cursed himself for not taking his sunglasses. “10 more minutes” he thought.

Not very far, he could see the green signal granting him the permission to cut across the last main street before he reached his final destination, home. He didn’t want to miss this one, involuntarily the accelerator raised and the monster machine raced ahead, leaving behind all the incompetent just to awe. Just 100 yards before, the color changed into a blinking yellow. Still he believed he could make it. But the god fearing and rule
Abiding guy in the black civic ahead had other plans. The monster machine stopped with screeching sound that showed the pain his disc brake underwent. “ah..Shit man” He could have got away with it. The signal started his slow count backwards 80...79...78.
The heat inside his helmet was unbearable so to have some fresh air soothe his strain, he removed them.

The old man didn’t have the right arm, looked like it got severed in an accident. It was sure not a congenital tragedy. Without the help of that bended stick his mobility was restricted. But then it was not what made him beg either. For an unknown reason he was on this street and here only begging let him sustain his life. With the weary eyes and a hopeful look he walked towards him. The signal was not still green. His hand fumbled for his wallet.” it’s in my left pocket…” he tried hard. He caught his wallet with his left hand and still trying hard not to let the helmet fall down. There were notes of different denomination but he didn’t want to part them, he had worked hard for them. “And there were many beggars like this one. I can’t give them all” he reasoned. Suddenly his N70 started its vibration. He switched on his blue tooth.” hello..” he hated this piece of his investment, still he had to bear it. The old man still was eyeing him. He tried to look somewhere else.” a that’s it” he turned off the blue tooth. He again began the search for a coin. “Its there” he thought.

“oye kiska wait kar rahe ho”( whom are you waiting for) somebody shouted from behind. The green signal blinked and hundreds of horns blared at once. He quickly put the wallet back. The monster roared to life again lurching forward. In the rear view mirror he saw the old man waiting for another red signal.

A school time to remember.



Years after when I went there, I didn’t see any familiar faces. The strange building, which, once was not, welcomed me with a bagful of memories. Walking across that veranda, for a retrospection ,or may be not, memories flooded my mind.

It all started here; when the life was full of possibilities with limitless freedom ,but always willing to give you a second chance. The schooling period of life is indeed the golden era of this paradoxical journey called life.

The innocent faces with inquisitive looks that you mauls you from the moment you enter the class late, to the relief for agony when that long bell ring in the evening: I miss them all.

Unannounced tests that make your heart pump faster to nearby answer sheet that doesn’t tally; I dare not think about the day when mistakes of those private answers were made public with a slight humiliation in front of 42 pair of eyes. But still I miss them all.


5 minutes break that falls for less or more time, in between the teachers that come and go, to the arguments which seemed like the never ending battle for world dominion. The commotion when asked about the assignments that test your physical stamina to zero periods that was for, say, doing nothing. I miss them all.

Unholy white dress on Wednesday to make your day with a mass PT to the rounds of jogging around the ground before the chaotic football session, nah an un pedagogic freedom, I miss them all… because never are they going to come back

I stood in front of my class room: 12 A, there on the left side I still could see myself. He was packing the bag, I remember, concerned about tuition thereafter. Suddenly his eyes went towards the door step. He was looking at me….. like a stranger.

ps: grammer and spelling mistakes are to be forgiven -:)

11 years……

Tring Tring.

“Hello, Aadi here”.

“Hi, do you recognize me “The other end said with an air of naughtiness.

“uh? Umm….Rithika?”

“why? Is she the only female who calls you up?” There was a tint of disgust.

“Ok, tell me which angel is talking” He asked.

“ah , so you flirt eh??” She was mused.

There was a brief of silence as Aadi was ransacking his brains.

“you remember a short, bobbed and cheeky girl in 6th and 7th std ?” she was not sure.

“Tia…? TIA!!!!!” finally senses knotted together to pulled it up.

And so the conversation started. 11 years of stories was exchanged in 6 minutes . There was more to be said , more to be heard. May be it was 11 years since he met her. But still he could sense the bondage. And moreover there was this easiness in talking to her.
11 years is a long time. A time for which change has no absolute meaning. A time when you feel that you have been forgotten, peacefully laid in the entangle of some obscure grey cells.

“So how come you remembered me suddenly?” he asked.

“Umm…who said I forgot you” The tone was heavy.

“Adi!!!!!!!! Aren’t you coming with me or not??” a female voice shouted in the background.

“Who is that??” The concern in the voice was feeble yet strong.

“She is my friend….girl friend” he said with a pause.

Beep Beep Beep. The line became dead in the next second.

Everything had changed in the 11 years.

I wish....

I wish there was no existence
As a mere mortal what is in life
A world full of woes and worries
And existence is to have more.

I wish there was no existence
To see the end I cannot,
Here I stand with endless mistakes
And existence is to have more.

I wish there was no existence
For the path once taken
Thorns rip my toes walking
And existence is to have more.

I wish there was no existence
The burden of expectation
Failing all across the way
And existence is to have more.