For her eyes Alone

Sitting in the first bench is the worst thing that can happen to a last bencher. Its even worser if he has to do that all round the year. And that too consecutively for two years

I went through this ordeal.

2001,June 16. Most of the faces around me were familiar. But who knows some unfamiliar ones may be fringed upon your mind forever. The circle were already formed, some big, some small and discussion begun. “I joined at PC Thomas” my STUDIOUS friend was bragging to me and my circle.” Well I too joined: - waste of money” another friend of mine said. Every body had a good time and me too. I got my Hawk as a present and was roaming across the township for most of the time.

Then suddenly silence echoed across the class room.

We still were in our world. Topic had gone from PC Thomas to Sunni’s Bio class from there to girls outfits and norms of having MINI’s in school.

“You there” shouted the woman in the red( I think she was teleported there just a few sec before) “what’s there to laugh this much?” .“If its that much funny then let us here too” . A thousand butterflies suddenly started a migration trip inside my stomach. “Maam, we were just talking about …eh..umm….” . “No explanation needed” she barked. “Come to first bench and you will be fine there" ,

“Ok “who cares…..wickedness in me scowled.

“for the rest of year”

Nooooooooo. I didn’t expect this …at least on the first day.

Thus my first and as well class first punitive act began. Thank god I had peed before coming to class.

I quietly came to the front row. “Oh god the black board is too near! Moreover I was in the striking range of every teacher”. I knew everyone in that row but none of them were close enough : At least for men’s world they were young….too young.

I stared at the board.

Blank. A black infinity an eternal one, stretching across the unknown platitudes, maybe sitting the first bench is not bad after all. I can dream a lot. Suddenly that trance was broken by supernova explosion. “ Day dreaming in the first bench”. “no maam I just….” I again fumbled. “Do you want me to throw you out on the first day itself”. “Oh Please” But nothing came from mouth. I just stood there – like a dumb head.

“May I come in Maam” .

40 pair of eyes turned towards the door.

The same navy blue churidhar with dark blue shawl and bottoms. Is there something special? Nothing. But wait those eyes. Is it trying to say something?

She gracefully walked across me, I turned back to see rest of the SITTING guys were doing. They were waiting for something to happen. I quietly tried to press my ass to sweet bench.

“Did I ask you to sit down?” she snarled. “No maam but I thought…… I could just …as you were talking to her “.

The new girl looked at me and I looked at her. Into her eyes.

She went sat near at the other end of the class. I turned back. Just to lock the vision once more.
The transparency in her eyes was narrating the story for me. Our story.

I stood there all throughout the period and when the bell rang, I straight away went to her.
“Your eyes are beautiful” I said.

“What were you dreaming of?” she asked with a naughty smile.

“oh that…. someone with a beautiful eyes would come into class and she would look at me and I wouldn’t miss that “ I said in subdued romantic tone.

She blushed.

On a Rainy Night

“Its going to be sunny day ” The CNN-IBN weatherman forecasted. I turned around to my window and saw bright sun saying “Oh Man I am going to be so hot hot today”.
I put on my thinnest cotton outfits and went to office.

6:30 PM: Time to leave.

In the bus it was a relief after day long monotony. Everybody had a resentful look, in the background 98.3 FM was howling some Linkin Park-converted-Tamil song. Oh they spoiled the song. Wind was squeezing in through the half opened window. I wanted to push it and open completely but HUMAN COURTSY compelled me not to do so. And no I was not interested brawl with the good looking female sitting front, the half owner of my window. When and where I don’t know. But when I opened the eyes and turned to see whether the my stop missed me or not. The window pane was hazy and the bag on my lap was wet.

The Rain.

The ambiguity that lies behind those windows was soothing. Balmy breeze straddled across my face. And the wet smell of earth made me nostalgic.

The bus had stopped.

It was a drizzle. Small chilly drops smothered across my eyes. I looked up and saw a thousand messages coming to me. I was helpless. The key to that ciphered text, I had lost it long back and didn’t even try to find a spare. Everybody was running for cover. Everybody was expecting something bigger. But I had stopped expecting. I walked in my usual pace. The darkness coupled with rain was making vision blizzard. Yes, the way ahead was into darkness.

Now the battalion attacked with impeccable force. I was completely soaked. Worst socks got wet too. The soggy feet and water in the shoes pulled me back. But I walked. My communication was also going wet too and I thought about setting the semantic right. But eh? I don’t need it .

White blades fought against, from hiding behind veil of clouds.

The holler went to other side of world. I closed my eyes but failed to do the same with ears. The battle was going in some far far of land and suddenly like the end of curtain of movie everything stopped.

The lightning stopped, The thunder stopped and the rain stopped.

But my battle had just began with closed eyes and opened ears.

A Harbinger’s journey

Railway station is full of anxiety. Always. People looking around, the chai wala running to catch his next prey, the paper boy shouting todays news as if there is no tomorrow, The arrival announcement of the next train echoing through the platform.

I stared out to the platform to check whether it was my train.it was a 110 bogie cargo traing straining to move ahead strenously.The line in front of me was wagging its
long tail. Somebody tried to get inside the queue and people started shouting. Even in this June its hot and dont mentioned the humidity. People were getting baked in that 20*20 foot hall. One by one the the queue shortened, the frustrated guy at the counter was firing away tickets as well as abuses. At last I was at st peter’s gate, one ticket to Thalessery. I gave him a yesterday-printed hundred rupee note. It seems he was not satisfied, ok a 10 rupee more. He gave me the ticket with smirk along with the change. In my hands were the ticket and the first ever printed two rupee note of India. Surf Excel should have given the challenge of cleaning it up I bet even they could have failed. But courtesy should be maintained, in a humble “Thank you sir” and he was smiling at me. Respect- something that he doesn’t get outside that counter even from his wife.

Indian railway is always to be indebted for providing so much of time in a busy station with train coming late as usual. If the station contains some Head-turners well then Indian railway is the best railways of the world( yes I am admirer of Laloo !!!(railway mini)). Everywhere there was humming sound. “ she shouldn’t have done that……..” some fat lady sitting beside was saying. “ I wont go there as……” a guy in the checkered black shirt was stating. I strained my ears to catch the next word. “For kind attention of passengers…..” This lady is agonizingly a menace sometimes. She didn’t want me having my time.
The Mangla-lakshdeep express bellowed its tongue before stopping with screeching sound that shrilled across the platform. I took my stride to catch my prey and den. The search didn’t last. I clamored in to S4 to sit just beside her and the journey started. And the journey is still going on. Across the green meadows, across the rice fields, across the meandering rivers, across the horizon ……….

The Journey back

Nobody was around. The silence was Mystical and stuffy. Left overs of packing was strewn across and the hot dusty May loo was taking them all over the hostel. May 04, 2005, Last day here and Tomorrow? God knows.

I saw everybody leave. One by one and after some time I stopped counting. I packed their bags, helped them carry it and then board them off. Everybody had the same picture in their eyes: - They were going back to old days when everybody walked in white dress, with their head bowed and honoring seniors; when the first bottle of vodka opened on the hostel roof top; when that beautiful junior girl came in and fighting who is going to hit her first; when the new professor came in asked for Batch name, replied with a false one …so many memories.

They are going to be just memories. Aint it? Nothing more. I stared through my window. I could see Gandu calling at me for movie but now …there was nobody. Only the echo left after the call, still reverberating in my ears. It was getting hot and almost half past one. Nobody came to call me for lunch. I locked my room and went towards the Mess. Nobody was there blocking my way. I hallucinated faces, calling me, asking me how I did in the presentation, asking to share a movie or two. Mess was empty, chair and table left after the chaos. No plates, no glasses. I turned around just to see the notice on the Wall beside me “ Mess closing day: 04/05/2005”

I looked up towards the hostel building, windows were all open everybody wanted to come out but nobody was around. I slowly retraced my steps back to my room. I was no more hungry. Everywhere I saw every faces but its was dark and musky. Gloominess surrounding me was telling the tales. I could hear them loud and clear about friendship, about love, about sleepless nights, about parties, about …everything that happened in the last four years.

I took my keys and opened the door for the last time. The room was dusty and murky as never before. Walls across staring at me and all those posters, I didn’t want them to leave it. But then I had a train to catch. The bag was already packed. Nobody was there to wish me adieu except the gigantic cement structures around with plane white walls . I stared one more time across the window . I took my marker and wrote on the wall” This room belongs to your grandfather Mr X,B.Tech IT, Batch of 2005” I locked the room with backpack on, walked towards the exit.


Good Bye MNNIT.

Men dont cook and women dont eat.

yesterday it was not a mistake. Mistakes do happen but not with me, because to err is human but elves dont err!!! I cooked and moreover jasu had it. Friendship was gratified when he said that it tastes good . WOW!! thanks yaar. But might be true it was good. The catch is if you put a tint of Ghee in the Scrambled egg it smells and tastes good.
Leave all that,, Point i want to emphasize why men have to cook if ladies dont want to eat .We are so happy with Mcdonalds and Pizza Huts. They want to have perfect body(we too want that) and why do we want us to cook, afterall their body is OUR BODY right??? (:))
Any females who wants to eat what i cook is welcome. But mind you, dont say it tastes bad, because afterall i dont make any mistakes.

My yesterday.......

Its a kinda of weard title but who cares about my yesterday. Well to start with the day was blank. sometimes people stare towards the sky and brood what to do?, yesterday was that kinda of day for me. I was thinking of my small impulsive decisions( MISTAKES) that was in continum and resulted in this mess called MY LIFE .
But then I am happy that i should be and well to matter of fact i am . so no regrets...
I went for PINK PANTHER , if somebody hates french this kinda of movie they should watch. Every sec, french are slapped with one after another.The movie got some witty moments showcasing the french upper intellect.Its a one time watchable movie.
The way back home was memorable one. I went alone for this one, friends had seen it all. The bike was cruising around 90-95 kmph suddenly out of blue a stoned fellow waggled into front of the bike . I shouted at him from distance to move off, nothing happend. I just closed my eyes and thought " poor soul i may meet him in the hell" . His hands just graced mine. Hey ppl you might be thinking why i thought i ll meet him hell him. I dont know whether he will be given an entry by St Peters but its for sure that i ll be denied there and as i am now, i will be happy in the hell with my friends : - Loose control.

Expectation of expecting nothing.

I think..... , I hope......, I would like to ......., I may......etc etc. The more I use these, deeper shit holes I am in. I don’t expect anything but to err is human sometimes i become just like 99.9% of the mass:- a commoner.
Today I belong to this category and i expect to go home for visu. I haven’t called home for the last 4 days and my mobile is switched off (that piece of junk should always be kept in that mode!!!). But so far no work has come and I EXPECT it to be anytime from now. i hate slogging my ass for more than 8 hours After all this company which i work doesn’t pay me that much!!! But the other part of the coin is that even if they would have paid me a million, my soul is not here and i am still in that trance from which my peers have left me for their good . But me??? I again EXPECT something to happen and what that is i dont know!!!
The power of expectation is too much. it can motivate you higher or to stoop down below the earth. Expectation was always high on me. be it in the family, be it in the school, be it in the college and be it with my friends. They know me . But the truth i don’t know myself and am in the enduring process of search. The alacrity that pushes me towards it is very very mere compared to a commoner. When I see around People have something to gain. They are expecting irrespective of the results and that move them but me ? i am expecting nothing so no worries and no tensions and I am happy as the way i am . i know that will change when i find out what the god damn business i have here in the so called life. But that again is an EXPECTATION, isn’t it??
I wrote it for the sake of writing and am I EXPECTING something from your side for this
ill-literary masterpiece? Naaaaaaaaayyy

Sunday - not a fun day!!!!

Another day, not just any day but a sunday. and what am i doing ? Validating that whether my program is correct or not , that too in the office, what a fun !!!!!!. I too have become a CORPORATE WHORE any day is a just business day for me.
The definition of fun varies for everyone . I enjoy a nice cozy bed with a fluffy pillows and pin drop silence, i can go snoozing for hours like this. This is my idea of fun . But today i lost this for the may be for first and last time . Work is good . Only between monday and friday and rest two days its better to be doing nothing than going to theCORPORATE OFFICE. Or else do something like i do now called CORPORATE OFFICE blogging ... :)
Strange, never in my life i have done anything on a sunday. But what do i used to do on sundays, chat with friends ,sleep, watch movies and birds and then ??? nothing by the time i do all these things the day is almost over. For eg last sunday was no different saw some mallu movie which bored me to death but like a Phoenix i resurrected again to watch all other worst movies but alas today i wont be. Because its CORPORATE SUNDAY and its not a fun day.

GRE - Ghostly ride entrusted

March 23,2006 - not like just another day . It was or might be the D day of my life. I gave my GRE on this wonderful day. Somewhere in the ETS site its not said to be there at the test centre half an hour before the appointment time - and as usual i was there not just half an hour before but a more than that. I was of the fear that i might missthe GRE bus if late but in the end i did miss it by around 80 pts .
It was 4 hours ordeal and i havent taken any test for that much time in my life but for one time(i believe ) its fun. The first session was writing about an Issue for which i gave a lucid and long writing of around 650 words now if there is point reduction for the essay being lengthy then i might loose some . The second session was more interesting than the first one . As i am always best in analysing the arguement i gave a decent shot about why i would end up having a low score in this session. Maths was always my favourite and it never ever have ditched me . The standard of the questions were of CAT and i was literally sweating in that Air conditioned room. At one point of time i thought why i took GRE itself i could have done with the CAT . Then it became all foggy and i was in a transcended state. From then on i didnt have any problem marking the bubbles you know why ? because i still remembered 'inky pinky ponky, father had a donkey,.........' . I dont know when i finished it and suddenly the verbal section started. Even if i had the OXFORD Dictionary besides me i would still have marked the wrong answer . But the twist in the tale was that i was able to answer it most of them ( rather i think i answered them correctly) . I was just cruising along then the a long paragraph poped up in front : - a reading Comphrension , this thing you not only need to read but also to comprehend , I bet on my life even the author of these didnt have a clue thats why they gave us to COMPREHEND. If any GRE guy is looking for anyone of these kind i got a clue of where to find them - Look out for any national level mental asylum . The ordeal extended for 20 min more and then it ended in subdued manner. Like 'THE END' part comes for a movie the score submission part came, i thought for a sec 'i dont know about the writing, i screwed up the quant, i am looser in the verbal(even though it was better than ever) should i ??" my index finger guided itself to the enter key and alas i had done it .
I scored 1320/1600 540/800 - verbal 780/800 -Quant. Now dont ask me how it happened . Thats why i still holds my golden rule ' Never expect anything' - Ghostly ride thus came to its finale. And i quietly left the room, may be some university would accept me, as a NITian with a flare to dare and shake things . The journey however rusty wont end here. right??

Install,Deliverables........Issues
Every month or so there is this big blast which takes you on the toes and shoot upward-its the install time. Every sopware proffessionals nightmare and a reason for a nightout !!!! For me today is that D day.For last couple of days i am going at wee hours with just having butterflies in the stomach of expecting whats there for me tomorrow!!!
When IBM says that line"change of plan" it makes me think whats this ON DEMAND business. you DEMAND from the other end(ONSITE) and plans go CHANGING at the other end(OFFSHORE) - nice jargon and good ad too but concept..... kills the already flagging and paltry guy . But everybody say change is inevitable and insensitve too according to me. i dont know why my mind goes over and over to the change of plan . I change a lot and still in search of my self ah .... i got it ... you are crazy ya maan who is not??? and all these changes what would they do ultimately make - a demented moron who nods his head for whosever.
Finally the change has arrived and i got to do it by EOD ( another idiotic sopware term, i think it should be EOYD-End of your Day!!!). And then you slog your ass till it get warm and round for what ??? may be a couple of buck but other end what you loose - a walk in the beach with girl beside ,a chat with your buddy , a lunch with your old mates in Dhaaba ...etc. All these are now dreams, once upon a time i was like that and now ?? ya man ..another mail just poped up another change of plan i guess!!!!

And Finally......
And finally i have done what my mum has been asking for quite some time - i bought the table. Now it would be another story whether i would be going to study on it. But proving all my critics wrong i got up in the morning and started my 'mugging' well not bad considering the fact that last time i got up at 5 o clock in the morning was around 4 years back - i dont know why i broke my sleep that day but god when are you going to reimburse that wee hours for me???
people say the world has gone 'mobile' but i am trying to become immobile and you know what its best not to have a mobile in your hand, reasons for it - a million, you dont get unnecessary phone calls like from your boss, from your GF etc.... well if you do want one at the cost of not actually posessing it make a friend who will be your bridge to the 'mobile' world.

The Friday Fever

Today is friday, what am i going to do after 6. Jasu has gone home for his bro marriage: hope he doesnt end up tying a knot over there. so that entertainment gone . so whats next...ummm yupie ...i will cover half the word list today and tomorrow morning the analogy session. Oh god! right now itself i am havng rumbles in stomach, hardly a month to go and then ......no ..that will seal my fate of what i would become.

I am have been dreaming a lot about what would happen to me in the end. I believe in moving ahead and being stranded and stagnent here makes me very much obsifucated, you know why ? because i know what i want but i dont have the will to follow it . Its a perfect paradise for me still i live like in hell with nightmares of failures around and swaying accross my feet now and then .
i know my time will come but right now if you ask me i am tiried of waiting .

but what to do ? JUST WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey my colleague is peeping in ...let me finish it off.....

Pressure of doing nothing

yup...i am doing nothing . Just sitting like a lame duck on this cozy chair of mine. Being a sopware professional i just have to know how to Copy-Paste- thanks Bill, I admire you the most for that particular utility of yours.

Its been arond 8 months since i have got out of the college but still i feel its warmth and care. I am so missing it all. Even there i was doing nothing in the final sem but even that nothingness didnt have any pressure!!!!

when you are thrown at the so called life suddenly you starts to think what you need from it . For me i am still in that on going process.....i care a little about the money and all the other wordly thing, that doesnt mean i am not a human yup a human with a care for nothing.

Today is friday and all i am waiting for is to get out of this wretched place. well 4 more hours to go. and then bingo!!! its off for two days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!