Monday, December 31, 2007

Travelogue of a vagabond.

Its almost 3 in the morning and i am not feeling sleepy. So here goes my travelogue for the Allahabad.

A journey to delve into past and dig up that would take me to future that was the motive of this present trip.

Some say all you need is money to travel, the rest would be taken care by the same. I always believed the same. But this time I planned unlike anything else I have done before, I planned this voyage. All the tickets booked prior, in fact well before the last moment. Northern plains of ganges were shivering , so I got myself 2 blazers from friends. I phoned the professors got myself appointment . Then I send them the letter , the format, the resume everything that suffix for the objective of journey to be successful : to get the letter of recommendation from the best professors in the best format. Then I had called my juniors for getting a place to bunk . And so the journey was to be fruitful, if everything went fine…of course.

The cab came at the right time to pick me to Chennai airport. Kamaraj airport was busy as usual, I checked for any good looking ladies, none. Thank you Chennai. I got my boarding pass and went to the security check. My baggy pants with innumerous pockets made the security guard think I was a terrorist . Apparently it was on the eve of Dec 06. And all the airport across the country was on high alert. But nevertheless, the lackadaisical approach of the Indian police force was omnipresent. The guard just checked the left part of my body, I was free to go in with anything in my right pocket. Too much of security!

The ageing fleet of Air Deccan sometimes gives you a shudder across your spines when you put the first step on it.But then on that day , I never had a faintest belief that I would be another Icarus. Even before I could get a good nap in the plane, it landed in Indira Gandhi international airport.

Delhi, the powerhouse of india, had changed from what I saw three years back. A glossy metropolitan look that awed everybody, welcomed me with a cozy chillness . With flyovers that criss crossed, with cars that you could never afford , with building that roared at sky, Delhi was majestic as it was always. I took a pre paid taxi and went to station. Pahar Ganj in purana delhi was still the same, as if the god just winked his eyes when he crossed this area while horning his artistic skills. This was the place where you found the actual india, the india of bhaiyaas who don’t know how to read, how to feed their children their daily bread, who were despised without any pettiness. I tried to remember the last time here, with anish and arun. Those were the best days which are never to return. Inside the train , it was easy for me to doze off. The secret of getting a fast sleep is simple – just take a book that’s damn boring.

In winter, even Laloo can’t make the train run on time. After the first cycle of my sleep, I slowly opened my eyes to see the same old delhi station. It was 1:00 AM in the morning and I haven’t moved an inch towards “abode of god” aka Allahabad. These are the moments when you feel why you had to take all these pains. But then no pain ,no gain. Memories of old journeys began to peek into my semi conscious mind, the first time with sudeep and haris , another time when we nearly lost the connection train, when we travelled without ticket, when Eunice took arun’s cards and threw them away…..those time, will they come again? . I tried my level best to sleep, I took the book and again started reading. At around the hour of devil I finally succumbed to angel of sleep.

North Indians are early risers, so at 10:00 Am morning everybody was busy snoring under their quilt. I looked out for the station.. Kanpur. Another three more hour and I will be there once again, may be for the last time. Kanpur is one of the dirtiest city I ever seen. There is nothing to admire here except the IIT. It was a dream come true when I first stepped into this green campus. And we were there for three days. This is where we the underdogs pulled our sleeves and bet almost 50 colleges in northern india to get ourselves a 2nd place in Antaragni. I still remember that hall in which I along with sudeep, 2 mallus stopping the heart beats of all hindi speakers in the last minute and getting on to final Hindi dumb charades competition. Those were days, when you don’t know whats going to happen the next minute still success comes in the end, somehow . The train started to move slowly. I didn’t remember whether my college would pass through this track. No,it comes when you come from Banaras side. The last time when we went to Banaras, we pulled the train on the way back to get down in the college instead of the station.

Allahabad – pretty much the same. The same old crowded station, babus chewing beetal leaves and expectorating everywhere, the frail hapless looking rickshawwalas . I took a rickshaw, he asked 15 rs to govindpur, I didn’t argue for the first time. I was earning now, and no longer I am carrying my pop’s money. On the way, before crossing the civil lanes, I checked out for the old Tibetan winter market. No, they hadn’t come, instead a lot of new Indian traders had taken their place. Strange, they too have been disposed, like me. Somebody new had taken their place, just like my rooms would be occupied by somebody. We reached telarganj in no time, I was shocked when I saw the new gate of the campus. The old one had been better. But then change is a must . Inside it was better, the roads were tarred and garden renovated, a new administration block in the shape of I don’t know what.The change was evident. It was already 1:00 PM, the final years would be having an exam at 2. I could see few students busily going to exam halls. I laughed, I knew why they were going this early. If destiny permits they will sit in the same bench on which they would have written the formulas otherwise ,of course ,the roll number rules. The garden in front of the hostel was even more beautiful. I was happy that I had the camera to capture them. I never stayed in Tilak hostel, but it was no different from Patel. Room number 260 that’s where I was supposed to bunk. During the ragging time I used to get myself lost in these corridors, but then I found the trick, 15 rooms in a wing , divide the room number and you get in which floor you need to go. So I went to third floor. Room 260 was locked.

Mobile phone is a boon to the immobile (if he is a student!), But once in a corporate life, it makes you immobile. Now I was in college , and nearly a student again. I called up my junior and within 5 minutes he was there to greet me. Our greetings started without failing the tradition – the most nastiest and dirtiest introduction to each other and then a hug. Inside the room, it was a typical engg grad room. A study table with com half open and covered in dust, a lot of Photostat papers which served their purpose only on the eve of exams, and then the good old beautiful cot with Rajai : the most cherished belonging of a grad student here in winter. I had to wash my face, I walked towards the end of the corridor. The restrooms were the same, but a lot cleaner. I guess more civilized students have been given admissions recently, and the change could well be seen. The water from the tub was cold and refreshing. After splashing 2 handful over my face I looked into the mirror. On the sides there were gray stray marks, where silver had waned off, or may be ….

After changing to a presentable civilized form , I got off to see my professors. First I went to the one who taught me how to take a class. After returning from Stanford university (he taught there for 13 years) he gave us a scare by giving one of the toughest paper of all time. Out of 150 students only 56 passed, fortunately I was one among them. I had already taken the appointment, and he was expecting me. He said what he needs from me and I gave him in no time. I was happy to whatever the former director asked me to do. Before leaving from the computer science department I went to see the one thought me the secret rule of the blessed – confidence is the mother of everything. He was happy to see my face and took around to all other professors . Goose bumps were shooting all over my body. Yes I was a good student, at least. He gave me one of the best recos I have ever seen. I repented my thought of throwing him a stone in the night after the final year presentation. My intentions were not always right, but given a chance to rectify I would surely do. But opportunities are very hard to find now a days.

The winter nights in Allahabad is one memory that I would always cherish in my life
With fog making your vision hazy and smoke coming out of your mouth, it gives one the spooky feeling that you see in some of the ghost movies. I and my junior went to My Ghana at around 10:00. This is the place where we used to share our joy and disappointments. Countless treats, countless bouts all came flooding into my memory. After tasting the once forgotten spicy food, we took our way back. Far across, in the basket ball court, we could see the flood lights. Somebody were playing. To refresh my memories he took me there. Under the brightness of halogen where even the sun would get ashamed off, guys were practicing . Not very far, the volleyball court was also occupied. I remembered the times when we used to come here and play till 4:00 in the morning. I bet, nowhere in India you could get facilities like this.

Next day I was on the way to do all sorts of paper work. Indian bureaucracy is known for their laggardness. I was expecting the same here. From 10 to 2:30 I started walking from one desk to another . Finally the verdict was out. I would get my certificates on Monday. “Monday!!!” – who needs them on Monday . I wanted to protest, apart from increasing adrenaline flow, I knew, it was not solution. One of my junior said he would take care of it. I was relieved. One thing I must say is that ragging makes you closer. I don’t know how it gets undone but it’s true. Talking of ragging , there was once this funny thing that happened. In the first year because of heavy ragging we decided to boycott it. The term was called “Group out”, meaning you are not going to be a part of the mallu clan. But due to some unavoidable circumstances we decided not to go forward with it. But by then seniors came to know about it. So during the next room call , all nine of us were summoned . we were standing in a straight line. One senior in his raucous voice asked us whose plan was it to boycott. With our head down and sweating profusely, Everybody was trembling with fear, you don’t know what they are going to do. He then said whosever want to quit the group and could come forward . As soon as he said this , we all took a step back ward, except sudeep ,he didn’t see this treachery coming. And thus he became the scapegoat. The same senior was there with me in Chennai laughing at our fears and being there for everything, day or night.
Before it even started, it was the time to go. I wanted to take few shots so I took my camera and roamed around the campus. These sights would always be there in my mind, But I never knew when I would return. May be never. One thing I learned here or rather this campus taught me was how to detach myself from everything. I never felt any emotion while I left this place 3 years before. I knew it would never happen also. But yes, this place holds a special position in my heart. Well.. am I contradicting ? if not, then it’s not me who is speaking. I had to get one more recommendation letter, this was the most precious one. She was my guide. I still remember the embarrassment caused when my project didn’t get executed on the final day in front on 60 odd people. Would you call it unfortunate if you have 2 design which worked just perfectly but failed on that one moment when it mattered most. That day I stopped believing in the so called phenomenon of being fortunate. She never forgave me for that, but then I left the mark. That was the only necessary…he he. She too gave me good writing. I guess I was really a good student (OMG!) .But cogito,Ergo sum.

My train was at 9:30 PM, I left the college at around 7:30. Few of my juniors came to see me off. Alvida they said. Come to Chennai, we will have a blast, I screamed from the tempo waving my hands madly. It was very foggy and rear window of the tempo was not that clean. Vision was getting hazy and before I could comprehend everything became a far far away land. In the station ,I knew nobody. There was a time when it would be difficult to find somebody else other than the guys from the college. But today I was a stranger, a stranger in my own backyard. Just when train was about to leave I got a call . Gandu calling….
Hello, Mein Allahabad mein hoon……Has anything changed? He asked.

The train had already started to move.

Retrospection & resolutions

Umm... Can I tame the present to shape a better future ? May be yes. My grey cells were howling to get that "synaptic knob" which held the key to my present and future. 5 minutes of juggling from one unfinished thought to another , which felt like eternity , i stumbled on my resolutions of previous year. I had four resolutions.

1. To read one book per week - My total tally for last year is 53 one more than the expected.
2. To propose the girl i loved(tense is important!) - I did, unfortunately her resolution for 2007 was to say no to all the guys .
3. To learn a foriegn language - ich liebe deutsche.
4. To learn Violin - I figured where to study, now thats what i call progress.

Even though not a good year ,from the above statics it seems that i did have a great year.

Now itself, I have started to miss 2007.But then i know time wont wait for me, it never did.
Auf Wierdesehn 2007.

The convergence completed, i had my resolutions for 2008.
1. This will be my last new year in India - No its not Houdini act that i am going to disappear.
2. To learn Violin - I would do my solo before the year end.
3. I would take the photograph of a woman(not nude!) having an absolute black hair with a streak of white running from the forehead - i would name it Spes,after the Greek Goddess of Hope.

I know I dont have the power over my future but i do have the control over my present. Living in the present i would make 2008 good year(Dont count that a resolution!).

Happy new year!

Monday, November 05, 2007

Psychogenic syncope

They said in hushed voice ‘she is going to be the topper; she has been doing it for the last 4 years’ ……Some say that she can finish a complete denture in less than an hour’

The door creaked to register its protest when she pushed it.

On the other end sat the 3 almighty. The famous trinity.

She was not new to this but every time was a first time for her. A first time that she would never get used to.

They gave the courtesy smile – an invitation to a massacre.

So…Ms Mehta how did your practical go?

It was Ok...Sirrrrr

Hmmm… I see that from your reading. Did you know the eyetooth was having a growth of more than 5mm ?

To err is human but to forgive is monstrosity!

Did you take the reading or you just wrote it out of thin air!! The ‘r’ of ‘air’ reverberated throughout.

I am not able to breath, I am seeing multiple personalities, are there 3 or 6? Why is this colorful ring coming in my eyes….

HOLD HER ..!!! Somebody shouted.

Time ticked away like a snail.
She opened her eyes slowly…

I think she prepared too much….

Please lie down..dont try to get up…

I… am …ok sir …. . With cluttered hand and that seemed like not supporting she got up . ( somehow ….!!)

Umm….sir …can you repeat the question.

Which one…oh…that eh ….never mind… don’t have to give your viva…we know you are good..if you are ok you can leave now….or if you want you lie down here for some more time…..

Uh…I am ok sir…..but….the viva….

No..Ms Mehta…we understand.

Slowly like a wounded beggar she move her feet towards the door.
Your last time can sometimes be worse than the last time. And numbers always doesn’t speak the truth…

Thursday, October 18, 2007

The conversation

The coolest guy(i know) who knows me like an unknown said in the most serious voice he could deliver.
My hands didn't tremble

My voice didn't quiver.

I didn't muster all my courage to utter the next word.


a boisterous laugh came from the other end.

When are you coming ???
on Saturday.

which year ???now it was my turn to laugh.
at 6:30 am on 20Th Oct,2007, you can find me on your doorstep.

trust me dad!
should i, considering you are my son. He said with a flick.
i will be there.

And here i am, ready to go.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Beyond the empty Spaces

I write. Though not continuously. There are blank spaces in between the words. An emptiness that doesn’t have continuity… They are white in color. And if you gaze at them with a purpose, they would tell you a million stories…. About me….those blank white spaces. Yet they are necessary evil, the one that completes my sentence because otherwise, as said by one of my friend, the sentence would be incomplete. An incoherency removed by adding uneven emptiness.

Every sentence I begin with on the opening page starts with a capital letter .But sometimes, while on a writing spree, I forget to make them in caps when I start a new line, but text editor, like a guide, tells me to change them now and then…..there are quite many who asks me to change. Just like I sometimes avoid the editor telling me what to make small and what to make big, I simply ignore them. But, yes, I do consider them.

In the end, there is the full stop. The sentences that are churned out, without a second thought, always end with them. And they are so placed with an intention. They complete the meaning….. Sometimes the confusion. But I decide where to place them; after all, it’s me who decides my life.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Final Hour

'Eyes Scanning across.... its difficult..... But then you came here for nothing'. The man in spectacles thought.

'The last one was sad. It put me to sleep everytimes i took it up.' The Lady in the blue saree reasoned .

'How the hell could he stand here in between these dusty racks..but i love him...i have to be here or else he will be disappointed. 'The foriegn lady with bare minimum clothes looked back at her boy friend.

Just one hour left. And it will get closed for the day.

Just one more hour to choose the 2 books for coming 2 weeks.

Just one hour to decide whether it would make me wide awake or make me sleep as soon as i pick it up.

Just one hour to decide what somebody unknown has to say to me about someone in the coming 2 weeks.

Just one hour to decide the future that would sometimes make my strange smile come back on my lips when i flip the last page.

Life is never fair , isnt it ?

Saturday, September 15, 2007

With Regards, BakFire.

To: Anon
Life has to be bad sometime in order to feel the good things...

You are right in your observation but at times the bad phase runs so long that good time seem like a distant memory (at times even an illusion). It is in those times you start thinking that life is not good at all. And when like everything else, bad phase also ends, u realize that life isn’t so bad after all:)

To: Anon
Hmmm....for sec I thought you are saying about me, but tell you the truth ...the best thing about that kind of life is that you stop expecting. And once you stop expecting there is nothing called bad and good coming in your way’s all the same. You just do things because you feel like doing.... you are not worried about the repercussions or being wrong.... you just move ahead. And that is a great feeling. You sense the true feeling of being independent.

There are two ways to reach that stage of no-expectations:
1. You understand that expectations lead to unnecessary burden n even disappointments at times
2. You have lost hope. You just don’t give a damn
What you are taking about is the 2nd case n that isn’t good. You loose your jest for life and now there is absolutely nothing that you hold dear or care for.

To: Anon
Bingo! You are smart...! Nice inference. But may I object please...
Hope being a quintessential necessity, there is no possible life afterwards.... so your 2nd point become invalid as the subject of that matter would possibly have passed away.
Coming to your first one.... you are correct. Though partially. You can also stop expecting if everything comes your way without any hiccups...and that is the worst of all.

I don’t agree to any of this Bakfire.
I have actually seen people without any hope for anything they do. they move without destination, they eat without bothering what they are eating. They are just not bothered and they have no hope of life. They are living because they are breathing and somehow they dont know how to stop that breathing... jaisa chal raha hai chalta rahe...I have actually met at least one such person. Even though it was like talking to a zombie, the guy was nevertheless breathing n living.
As for everything coming your way, well that in indeed the worst of all coz then your expectations go on an all time high. They are not mere expectations anymore. you take the expected result to be a natural obvious toh hona hi hai. You take it for granted without a slightest doubt of failure. Its indeed the worst of all coz in such a mind frame when you fall, most often den not, You are not able to rise again.

To: Anon
Well how to put it.... you got a nice way of analyzing things around. But Let me give you another ball to juggle with. What if the person you say is confused. He is having a hope but he is confused. Go thru a term called Quarter Life crisis. Sometimes in people it extends for long period. And that should not be taken for loosing hope. Because loosing hope is THE END.

About high expectation class.... you don’t fall, even after you try so hard. It’s like a curse, a devilish encroachment of your destiny to deny all twists. You rarely come across this .yes may be one day there is fall. But as i said in the beginning life has to be bad sometime in order to feel the good things... :)

Friday, August 17, 2007

Love,Sex and Death

“I didn’t have sex yet” My friend howled from back.
“Why are you saying that to me now??” I howled back. It is very difficult to talk while riding a bike you know. And moreover when your ego is being cashed by guy who overtook you, it’s virtually impossible to think straight.
“I don’t want to die without having sex” He howled again.

For the sake of sex(ah!) my pulsar 180 reduced its RPM, after all its definitely male !
“Who knows death is more pleasurable than sex” I reasoned.
“But then if otherwise I do have a choice. I ll have sex then experience death” he had a point.
“Do you actually want to have sex or just make love?” I wanted to ask. But hands from ether knitted my mouths before it spelled out.
Make love – I don’t know who coined that term. How do you possibly make love? Love just happens if you try to make it, is it love?
Reasons unknown, fate unknown, perdition/existence unknown – just a sense of being in love is the only absolute; I just love it!!!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Yet again.....

2 years is a long time. People change, as well as places also. Back then, the city was not this much crowded. There were concrete structure everywhere and an urban tag hung loose in slippery wet paint. Vehicles with registration number from all over the county plied across with a haste to catch up the one in the front. Everybody was busy. The city had lost his sheen. Only thing that reminded of the old city was the beautiful climate which itself, sometimes, felt like coughing and brooding over his majestic lost glory.

Welcome to Bangalore.

Somehow through the menacing traffic he reached there. Every body had already arrived. He was the last, as usual. Back in college, the professor would have shouted for coming this late but not today. “yaar, tu bilkul nahi badla(dude, you haven’t changed at all)” Shagun said with his resonating voice. One after another followed the suit. They hadn’t changed, he thought. He felt like back to where he belongs, after a long time.

Time swept across, day became night and even crossed midnight, but nobody slept. They were here not to sleep. They all had everything they aspired for: a good career, money and a life. He too seemed normal like them until the question was raised. “Why are you like this?” So many people had asked him this but then he didn’t have the answer. He never had the answer. But then some questions cannot be answered. It simply comes in one category. “I don’t know”, he said with a fake smile. And they never asked him again.

Everything had indeed changed.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

The fun part.....

I ogled. She didn’t see.
She did the same. I pretended not to see.
I want to flash a smile, A sign of recognition. But she wouldn’t turn to my side.
Pickup lines clouded my thought process, it then became hazy. Then I jumped ahead.
“Would you mind buying me a coffee?”
She stared. “uh…..”.
“Ok then, let me buy you one….” I said with my ill famous naughty smile.
Now, she removed her Versace glasses to stare…even more beautifully.
“Tea also no problem…..but please…. I know begging is humiliating, but I don’t care..”
She didn’t hesitate anymore.
The finger was up.
No, not the one I expected, but the one with the golden ring on it.
“I am married”. She said, may be with a dismal which she didn’t want to express.

Monday, July 16, 2007

This is us.....

I got drenched in the summer rain. With soaked shoes I climbed the stair towards my den.

On the top of the door it was written S1 in blue on the light brown plaster shade, the plaster from the side walls were going off. I should inform the land lady about it, I thought.

It’s locked. Where are the others? In the office?? Nah …..Partying? May be

I turned to the opposite flat ‘S4’, without any mercy, pressed the calling bell. I could hear a chair being pushed back and the slacked sound of a lazy feet coming to the door step.

“Keys uncle.” I say with a little respect and warm smile, you know why? He is the spy our land lady has arranged for keeping an eye on our “business”.

He already had the key which he gives me in haste so that he won’t miss the never-ending-soap that he was watching. And even before I say my rare ‘thank you’, the door just closes with a bang.

It’s the same pair of keys that our land lady gave to us 2 years back. She, then, had asked to replace the godrej lock, which still is guarding our fort faithfully .I smirk.

The doors open with creaky sound and into darkness I enter. Oh! It’s so beautiful.
With fumbling wet hands I search for the master switch and turn it on. Again I am safe, I didn’t get electrocuted.

The light after darkness blinded me for second then I adjust myself to the reality. The messy reality. I dont have to switch on any switch, every thing has been on from yesterday night.

I throw my shoes to dunes in the corner, way far from the shoe rack. Chaos is beautiful. In that mountain of shoes, it would take me at least 10 min to find the right pair. For the pair socks, I am thankful that there is no rule that we should wear a matching pair.

Neatly pressed clothes lay on the floor adjacent to door, the ones in the bottom is already getting dirty, but since we are adamant about giving a daily 1 hr task to our maid I don’t complain. I remove my wet clothes and recollect the day I was born and again come back to civilized world by putting on my boxers. The curtain to the next building was still open. Yes, it’s a free show.

The old coffee mug promoted ash tray lay on the floor with hundred and one cigarette stubs in it. I search for the TV remote. We love to archive our belongings on the table so that we don’t have to search anywhere else. I begin my search. Yester newspaper, magazines, id cards, watches, CDs, resumes, novels, cigarette packs….and finally a group of remotes for the all the electronic gadgets present in working/non working state… I delicately take TV one with both my hands, I don’t want to disrupt the equilibrium, because it works according to its mercy. I jam my fingers on the red button and wait. Nothing happens. I tap first gently and then when it fails, bang violently. No batteries. I curse my roomies. One after another, all the remotes are opened – no batteries. Should I buy one? Nah…..anyway it’s the time for them to come, I check the clock which stopped at 11:00 am a year way back. Reason: no batteries. I smile.

I turn back to the only thing that works without any hiccups (at present) – the speaker and the Ipod.

“In the end…..” Linkin park says our state loud and clear.

Welcome to bachelors world!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

B – Bad boy.

Its ringing again, he should have enrolled for the evening class!!!

“Oye you got class!! “ I try not to show my anger at him.

Wake up, or else you ll miss the bus

huh….5 more minutes…

Oh god! Wont this thing stops ringing.

Should I go to office or not?

I guess its already late

May be I ll go in the late shuttle.

Now who is ring at the door – ah the maid, let somebody else open the door

Why cant he put that curtain on, the glare is too much to bear.

“B get up.. lets go for a swim.” He exclaim.

I peep out of my den with a complete emptiness.

“Huh….umm….I am already late for the office.” I say with a wearing tone

“On a Saturday???”

I pull back my covers…again.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

That letter I never wrote.

Dear …..,

I never knew when it happened or how it happened. I thought I was hard and invincible and am above the forces of nature. But cupid wouldn’t let me live an uncommon life of a common man. And for that arrow that struck my heart you reside in me with a joyful pain of love.

From the rainy day of June when I first saw you to yesterday’s sweet laughter with which you kept the phone, you gave me memories that I like to live in for ever and ever. With you around I want to count the lives that every second holds in my breath. Never have I felt alone when I was far away – your breath was always there to keep me warm and to tell me about eternity that we would live.

Sun is setting down, a day of my chapter closing with twinkle of your smile to dream for. I wish the life would be like this forever.

PS: I am stopping here; I am so bad in it!!!!!!


Tuesday, June 12, 2007


She says Rafa is better than Roger. She
lays out a million instances for his glory - About his mastery on clay, his agility, his stamina, his hunger for victory. And this year, she continuous, it will be Rafa and his Corrida in Rolland Garros and after this year it would be just Rafa’s Capote that French people would talk of.

He just sits back and listens.

She then goes to say about the serve, the fastest servers, and the unbelievable -the one that curve into, the one that eludes you by a whisker and then she moves on the great match, grand slam matches that he hasn’t even heard off. He wondered if there is any thing else in this female’s mind apart from Tennis!!

Then, again, she comes back to Rafa. She says about his Girl friend, his role model and writes another masterpiece with ever inexhaustible vocabulary.
He thinks she was born on a tennis court with Rafa as the midwife (or mid husband!!).

For second she becomes silent. And he just grabs that opportunity.

“Were you in the college tennis team or something like that? “ He was genuinely curious.

“No…I was not that…athletic” – she tries to reason.

Now his eagerness prompts “Have you watched any matches – maybe Chennai open?”

“No..never… I didn’t have the company to go last time …” She says with despair.

“Have you ever seen a tennis court?” He mocks.

She doesn’t reply. Only silence answers in its vague, yet emotional way.

He bites his lips; he knew he had asked the wrong question. Catastrophe caused couldn’t be undone yet he asks “let’s make the next team outing to Rolland Garros and see Federer winning it!!”

She turns around with glimmer in her eyes and says “Correction, Rafa winning it!!”

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

From the page i missed.....

He used to sit in the 3rd bench and I on the 4th. We met there, in the tuition class, but we knew we had met before- where and when we didn’t know. But it was for sure that we had met before.

While going back we either boarded the same bus or he would come with us in my car. Curses about the teachers then sprung in the air,Unchecked by my dad, as he too didn’t like Math and chemistry. He never knew where I stayed. He always got down in the middle. And he got out from the tuition class in the middle too.
When professor asked for the reason, he shyly said he wanted to prepare for JEE. In our part of the country only People with insane mind go for IIT the rest of the insanes get satisfied with NIT or other state colleges. But he wasn’t insane.

After that I saw him for the IIT screening, which I humbly wrote because I was supposed to write it as my mothers friends sibling were fighting for it. For unbounded forces and the deep integration which that paper heralded at me, I should have ran away from that examination hall. But I stayed. After the exam I saw him in the middle of the crowd fiercely arguing the correctness of his answer. An inner shame compelled me not to go there.

When the result came, his name popped out from everywhere. Those who didn’t know him claimed to be his best friends and those who knew, praised his hard work and dedication.

Then the unavoidable space of separation came between us for about 3 years.

One day when I was at home for my vacation, I read in the newspaper about an IITian getting drowned. I prayed it was not him.
But then he was always in the habit of getting down in the middle. And yes, he went in the middle, to where I still don’t know.

Friday, May 04, 2007

A second chance….

“Will you give me a second chance” .He pleaded.

“It is late now, but then, what will you do with this so called ch
ance” It asked.

“I have to change a sequence of my life, just one...” He beamed with confidence.

“Are you sure that’s the correct one” It was trying to play with his mind.

“Umm…Ya I guess so.”

“May be its better to change today and expect for a better tomorrow than changing yesterday and expecting for a better today” again it was trying to play – with his mind.

“No I want to have a better today than a hope for a better tomorrow” He was adamant.

“Ok, so shall be it. Where do you want to change it?” It was curious.

“Let me have your ears..” Then he whispered with gleam never seen before.


He looked around and smiled.

Monday, April 23, 2007

See no more.....

I didn’t want to drive.

I wanted to be a pillion.

My bike first grunted to the inexperienced hands of my friend but then every wild animal can be Tamed and it so happened with my Bike.

Chilled breeze flew from the beach to the highway side: its going to rain, I could smell its
arrival. To make my 'unstable' equilibrium stable, I held my arms in crossed position
on his shoulder.

Then I closed my eyes.

It was a strange feeling, a feeling of not lost but in search, a feeling of complacent but for a long time, a feeling of just about to fall but into infinity

I didn’t know where I was going.

I didn’t know what would happen in the next second.

I didn’t know if somebody who knew would give me a smile of recognition.

I didn’t know whether we took a wrong turn or not.

What I did know is that somewhere the journey is going to end and I will get down safely.

Only with this belief I sat behind, waiting for the stop to come.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Chemistry in the lab

132000 – This is the number of hits that Google gets when you search for ‘Guava + experiments”. My eyes, scrolled down, following the blue hyperlinks which destined themselves in some other corner of this world.

I found what I was looking for. And the link took me back into time – once again.

I was standing alone in that silence filled huge room. The shelves around were stacked with blue and red soln and on the grey door it was written in white font on a black rectangular board – ‘Chemistry Lab’. I loved chemistry and could have spent my life time there if not my craze for physics. One by one everybody had gone home. But I was there; I needed to finish my experiment for this week. I had missed it when others were completing it because of the inter house volleyball match – which we pathetically lost: thanks to me.
Blue was the color I was looking for but don’t know why it was giving me a dark brown – experiment gone haywire. I looked at tutor’s “Basic mistake list” – Blue, shady green…ah brown: Excess of HCl . Ghosh!! I need to start it all again. I began my next level of curses for the guy who added this to the CBSE syllabus.
This time I am going to make it “I was getting late, as usual. I put in that extra ounce of concentration. I ll find this salt. I hated salt. Didn’t know why they gave any sugar- may be because it was edible with any yuk!

Tap Tap… somebody was coming down the stair to the lab. We had our lab below the ground level. Pretty unusual, but then there was nothing usual in this school.

The foot taps then stopped.

May be checking out for the assistant” – who had left long ago. I turned back to see who it was. Then I missed my beat.

It was her.

I turned back and tried to act as if I hadn’t heard her coming. “A drop of sulphuric acid then some water…careful …then…ah….talk to her” I knew I was going to repeat it all again.

She came and stood besides me. “ which salt?” she asked with a smile. “I don’t know…I been trying to find it for the last one hour” I said with all my eyes on the test-tube. “You?here?at this time? …let me guess …you missed your practical for this week?” “Nah..I needed some guava came to ask the assist to bring it” she said with mocking smile.” What for?? I think apples are better….an apple a day keeps the doc away ”
“ and if the doc is good looking keep the apple away” she completed. I smiled.“no yaar ..its for that oxalate ion test…one of ferrous oxide” she reasoned. I looked up. I couldn’t see the sky but my head got clouded after hearing that. “Why are you looking confused” she asked. “you were talking chemistry or something else ?” I was getting naughty. “Don’t flirt ...don’t start flirting”. “That’s the new experiment we need to do for the week next…I was preparing my self” she elucidated. “how boring!!!” I didn’t say it aloud. But still I liked her.” Do you need any help?” she asked. “Ya I guess so, but I used to give chances to only lovely girls” I winked. “ don’t flirt … don’t flirt you moron!!…she is not that type” somebody was shouting in bossy voice from inside. “Oh! Is that so?…I too used give this offer to smart and handsome guys. I guess I should probably leave” she said with an irritated tone.“No wait. I was joking…please help me…I have done up to this” I showed my stat sheet.

We finished the experiment in the next 10 min or so. It was easy but not before she came.

And now when she left, it’s become all the more difficult.

We did the oxalate ion experiment together. At least partially; I just bought the guava, the rest she did.

Friday, March 16, 2007


I was checking down the lane for that stranger. But she never came, may be she came, but I never knew that she was my stranger then I stopped checking, quite reclining to myself for some or the other reason. I thought I got dejected but lately I realized with all my horrors that why I try to be elusive.
Commitment – whether it’s to follow or to fall; you need them and that’s one sure thing that I lack. I want to do something but then next moment I feel –‘ whats the use if after all these I am wrong” . This lackadaisical feeling just languishes your spirit. The dreams that I cherish aren’t big not for me but then I do not have the vigor to follow them. Half across the lane I keep running and then I stop and ponder “I have reached so far, lets stop there is no thrill anymore chasing this.”
Met across many, but heart caught trapped only once or twice and there too I paused, with a deep apprehension of being right or wrong. Only years have passed, and still, I stand the same with that sheer confusion.

But then am I right or wrong in this?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Should have...

It was a hot day, in fact an unusually hot day. His heart was racing to reach home, To escape from this scorching heat and the black dust that blurred his vision now and then. He cursed himself for not taking his sunglasses. “10 more minutes” he thought.

Not very far, he could see the green signal granting him the permission to cut across the last main street before he reached his final destination, home. He didn’t want to miss this one, involuntarily the accelerator raised and the monster machine raced ahead, leaving behind all the incompetent just to awe. Just 100 yards before, the color changed into a blinking yellow. Still he believed he could make it. But the god fearing and rule
Abiding guy in the black civic ahead had other plans. The monster machine stopped with screeching sound that showed the pain his disc brake underwent. “ah..Shit man” He could have got away with it. The signal started his slow count backwards 80...79...78.
The heat inside his helmet was unbearable so to have some fresh air soothe his strain, he removed them.

The old man didn’t have the right arm, looked like it got severed in an accident. It was sure not a congenital tragedy. Without the help of that bended stick his mobility was restricted. But then it was not what made him beg either. For an unknown reason he was on this street and here only begging let him sustain his life. With the weary eyes and a hopeful look he walked towards him. The signal was not still green. His hand fumbled for his wallet.” it’s in my left pocket…” he tried hard. He caught his wallet with his left hand and still trying hard not to let the helmet fall down. There were notes of different denomination but he didn’t want to part them, he had worked hard for them. “And there were many beggars like this one. I can’t give them all” he reasoned. Suddenly his N70 started its vibration. He switched on his blue tooth.” hello..” he hated this piece of his investment, still he had to bear it. The old man still was eyeing him. He tried to look somewhere else.” a that’s it” he turned off the blue tooth. He again began the search for a coin. “Its there” he thought.

oye kiska wait kar rahe ho”( whom are you waiting for) somebody shouted from behind. The green signal blinked and hundreds of horns blared at once. He quickly put the wallet back. The monster roared to life again lurching forward. In the rear view mirror he saw the old man waiting for another red signal.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

A school time to remember.

Years after when I went there, I didn’t see any familiar faces. The strange building, which, once was not, welcomed me with a bagful of memories. Walking across that veranda, for a retrospection ,or may be not, memories flooded my mind.

It all started here; when the life was full of possibilities with limitless freedom ,but always willing to give you a second chance. The schooling period of life is indeed the golden era of this paradoxical journey called life.

The innocent faces with inquisitive looks that you mauls you from the moment you enter the class late, to the relief for agony when that long bell ring in the evening: I miss them all.

Unannounced tests that make your heart pump faster to nearby answer sheet that doesn’t tally; I dare not think about the day when mistakes of those private answers were made public with a slight humiliation in front of 42 pair of eyes. But still I miss them all.

5 minutes break that falls for less or more time, in between the teachers that come and go, to the arguments which seemed like the never ending battle for world dominion. The commotion when asked about the assignments that test your physical stamina to zero periods that was for, say, doing nothing. I miss them all.

Unholy white dress on Wednesday to make your day with a mass PT to the rounds of jogging around the ground before the chaotic football session, nah an un pedagogic freedom, I miss them all… because never are they going to come back

I stood in front of my class room: 12 A, there on the left side I still could see myself. He was packing the bag, I remember, concerned about tuition thereafter. Suddenly his eyes went towards the door step. He was looking at me….. like a stranger.

ps: grammer and spelling mistakes are to be forgiven -:)

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

11 years……

Tring Tring.

“Hello, Aadi here”.

“Hi, do you recognize me “The other end said with an air of naughtiness.

“uh? Umm….Rithika?”

“why? Is she the only female who calls you up?” There was a tint of disgust.

“Ok, tell me which angel is talking” He asked.

“ah , so you flirt eh??” She was mused.

There was a brief of silence as Aadi was ransacking his brains.

“you remember a short, bobbed and cheeky girl in 6th and 7th std ?” she was not sure.

“Tia…? TIA!!!!!” finally senses knotted together to pulled it up.

And so the conversation started. 11 years of stories was exchanged in 6 minutes . There was more to be said , more to be heard. May be it was 11 years since he met her. But still he could sense the bondage. And moreover there was this easiness in talking to her.
11 years is a long time. A time for which change has no absolute meaning. A time when you feel that you have been forgotten, peacefully laid in the entangle of some obscure grey cells.

“So how come you remembered me suddenly?” he asked.

“Umm…who said I forgot you” The tone was heavy.

“Adi!!!!!!!! Aren’t you coming with me or not??” a female voice shouted in the background.

“Who is that??” The concern in the voice was feeble yet strong.

“She is my friend….girl friend” he said with a pause.

Beep Beep Beep. The line became dead in the next second.

Everything had changed in the 11 years.

Friday, February 02, 2007

I wish....

I wish there was no existence
As a mere mortal what is in life
A world full of woes and worries
And existence is to have more.

I wish there was no existence
To see the end I cannot,
Here I stand with endless mistakes
And existence is to have more.

I wish there was no existence
For the path once taken
Thorns rip my toes walking
And existence is to have more.

I wish there was no existence
The burden of expectation
Failing all across the way
And existence is to have more.

Monday, January 15, 2007

On the Stage with Signs

I believe in miracles.
when hope ends,miracles happens and then it creates a new saga.

"Next team is synergy, please come on the stage.." the coordinator for Dumb chrades bellowed.
Three most smartest chaps of our batch went on to the stage. The coordinator uttered something in the third guy's ears .He had to show it to second guy who would be sitting with his back on to first guy. Now the rule was, after the second guys gets what the third guy is showing, he needs to face the first and make him say what the coordinator said. The round was called dumb-dumbc.

The third guy was acting out something, with a ciphered text known only to his mate. The encryption was so strong that the audience of 60 odd people sat dumb folded in that auditorium at 11:30 in the night. They were watching the future literary champions of the coming 3 years.

Suddenly the second guy got up with an exhilaration and went to the first guy. The tension of the third was visible, he didnt know whether he conveyed it correct or not. But before the cordinator could give the first warning bell. They blurted it out - "1857- first war of independence".

They had done it in 1 min 45 sec. now the event standing were:
1st Daredevils .
2nd pirates of caribeans
3rd Synergy
4th Three of us - "thats us!!!!"

"Its over dude" my friend told to me with a tone of disappointment. "they study well, they are the good and dutiful sons of their parents and so the god gives them all and what are we..just a bunch of hoogligans, we deserve to loose we are loosing to some good team" My friend uttered so that only myself and our other team member could hear.

Just then Maheshwari from the pirates gave me sneer. I knew the meaning. we had to do this round in 54 second to be at least third. And if we dont, well wait for another one more year and beat all the 60 teams or more that came this year from different parts of the country.

" B!! remember the codes right ..independence struggle and related - Gandhi, wars- planes, assasinations - A gun......" my third mate tried to remind me.
"err....ya man i know....." i thought we should run away now.

"Now the last team for this competetion and this final, Three of us...please come on stage"

My heart started pounding ."72...80...90...oh god its going to burst" I thought. I was the first one to get the incident from the mouth of the cordinator. I had to enact this to my first team member who by now was staring on to my face.

As soon as i got the topic from the coordinator. I came in front my first interpreter and jumped - meaning its a sitter and think low (dont break your head!!!) . I hunched back and started to walk

He laughed at me and stood up and raced to final interpreter. Showed the same sequence to him.
"Dandi march" My friend screamed.

"Yessssss" i screamed.

"Guys ," Three of Us" just made a new record- They did this in 11 seconds which means we now have our results"

1st Daredevils .
2nd Three of Us
3rd pirates of caribeans

Daredevils were a final year team. It was their last time on the stage . From a point of no hope, we came back and created a whole new order. It was Three of Us all the way for the next three years.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Dear God,

First let me congratulate (again) for creating this wonderful world. More wishes for creating a masterpiece like me. That apex creativity always radiates from me. I mean how you put all those complexities in me like a cough at sharp 11 pm then a sneeze at 1:00 am ,getting up at 7 am( whatever time I sleep) etc . I always try my programs to be perfect like yours but alas I am not you.

You must have been very busy in the last year with all those terrorist activities going around in the name of you and your foreign policies. I wonder how you are able to play from both sides of the chess board, I find it rather boring. Moving from the global arena my personal playground, even though you didn’t do a great job in 2006, but more or less it wasn’t a bad year. I met a whole lot of people and closely got associated with some funny, some weird, some social, some kewl and some great people, thanks for making my destiny to meet them.

Well then what else, hope you will make the 2007 a great year . Please refrain from making any sort of confusion as it may indirectly harm me as I am working on this tight rope industry of softwares. Oops forgot to ask “ How are you ?”

Your creation,